BPDFamily.com

My sister had bpd, whats is the best way to support her?

Hi and *welcome*

Can you tell us a bit more about your sister and some of what she struggles with and what you already do to support her?

In general, I would recommend learning about the behaviors associated with the disorder and tools that will help you cope and support her.  How's that for a non-specific answer?  :)  I don't mean to be vague it is just a broad question to try to answer.  How is your relationship with her now?  Has she been diagnosed for long?  How old is she? 

There is a book titled "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder) that i find quite helpful in terms of understanding some of the behaviors we see and learning productive and supportive ways to support our loved one and take care of us as well.  I specifically like the book because it helps us have a more productive and constructive relationship with our pwBPD (person with BPD) rather than one full of confrontation and one that takes a more adversarial approach that a lot of other books take.

A big part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD involves having good self-care, strong boundaries and compassion for both us and them.  We can support you as you navigate your way to your goal.

What do you struggle with in terms of supporting her?

 :hi:

As mentioned, more detail would be great on offering more advice - but a general guideline for dealing with someone close to you who has BPD is to try to remain within arms' reach but at arms' length (also phrased as within arms' reach but not within swinging range).

Possibly related to their lack of self-identity and thus identifying with easy Hollywood tropes, people with BPD tend to routinely pick two people in their lives, one to be the evil villain oppressing them and one to be their rescuer. You don't want to be either of those - as the casting shifts and they get reversed frequently in the pwBPD's mind.

Let her rant to you and blow off steam, nod sympathetically...but avoid suggesting that you could go talk to the other person or could otherwise involve yourself in the incidents since she'll then cling to you as a "rescuer".

This may be quite an unconventional answer. I think being the best person you can be and having healthy boundaries with your sister are what you can do to help her. I have a brother with BPD, and I find that allowing him to mistreat me, only makes his BPD worse. We need to hold family members with BPD to high standards and not tolerate treatment from them that no healthy person would tolerate. Part of being the best person you can be, is to be kind and firm when setting boundaries with your sister, which makes you a role model for how healthy relationships work. It is also sending the message that she cannot mistreat you.
I have just bought the book: "Beyond Borderline: The Stories of Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder". I have not read it yet, and maybe it would be helpful in understanding your sister better.
Can you tell us more about what are your main challenges with your sister?