BPDFamily.com

So my bpd boyfriend and I are living with my parents, which is a challenging situation in itself (by the way, he was the one who insisted on leaving our apartment because he deemed it was "no longer safe"). He had, by all means, an unbelievably difficult childhood, so he already had negative expectations from the start about how it would be living with my family, and so everything that has unfolded since has confirmed his expectations.

I can see both sides -- there are times when I can see his point and do believe that (my dad in particular) is being unfair to him, while other times it is him reading too much into a tone, facial expression, innocuous statement, etc. As far as my mom goes, I think she has actually tried to go out of her way to be welcoming, but he just plain despises her and so everything she does backfires.

The situation continues to get worse and worse to the point where he stays in our room and refuses to have any contact with them whatsoever (which personally I think is wise since every time we interact, it just leads to conflicts), and then they wonder why he just avoids them all the time. Now, I can't deny this situation is challenging for him, and I get that he feels like an outsider, and I know this is exacerbated by his disorder (which he's never been diagnosed and we've never discussed, but he has all the signs). He says this whole thing is causing trauma and I believe him. So I do my best to be supportive, empathetic, and take his side.

But occasionally he goes off on me, telling me that I'm not doing nearly enough to defend him while simultaneously showing my parents why they're so wrong and how they're torturing him essentially. And while I know in these situations I should just hear him out, etc., I couldn't help but get a tone in my voice (funny, he can yell and scream and use angry tones all he wants, but when my tone is anything other than soft and calm, I'm a terrible person), telling him that perhaps his attitude about the whole situation was making things worse.

Then he said that I wasn't telling him all the things my parents said about him, and it's TRUE, I don't tell him because I know he will blow a gasket. So I caved and told him some of the milder things (like they wondered what he was up to because they never saw him), and sure enough, he went into a rage.

Also during this whole episode, he narrowed his eyes at me and looked at me with absolute hatred, like I was an enemy to be destroyed, and said in a seething voice, this is "breakup material." Then later, after all this was winding down, he looked at me, and said, "What's wrong, why are you so upset?" and claimed that in the eight years we'd been together, that he'd never done anything to upset me and always been nothing but soft and gentle.

Sorry, I guess I'm mostly venting. As I've said before, I have no one else to talk to. I guess I'm just really lost right now and feeling like I'm going crazy. Like, why do I get so upset? Who cares if he breaks up with me? Obviously I love him. But why do I take this guilt and shame he projects onto me so hard?

Now I'm left feeling like a selfish, terrible person, and seriously doubting myself, and his words keep ringing in my ears -- that I'm weak, that I just be standing up to my parents more. Ironically (or maybe not so ironically), they tell me these exact same things -- that I don't stand up to him, that I'm letting him walk all over me; sometimes it's like I'm having the exact same conversations with both parties. The whole thing has left me drained, like a hollow shell of a person (but I can't say these things to him or I'm selfish and making it all about me; the last time I mentioned feeling "caught in the middle" it turned into a horrendous fight that I never want to relive).

I know I'm not perfect and I could be doing more, but what? When it comes to my parents, there are a lot of things I don't agree with and I want to get the hell out too and certainly there are things they could have done better when it comes to establishing a harmonious relationship with him, but at the same time, I don't want to completely destroy my relationship with them. And it seems like (at least unconsciously), that's what he wants. He had a terrible relationship with his family, so he wants to see that happen for me too. And it's working -- I sometimes feel jolts of hatred towards them for small things and am increasingly pulling away from them and shutting down. It's already happened with friendships; he can't seem to maintain friendships and so I, too, have become increasingly isolated from my friends over the years.

Recently I've been starting to become more hopeful and see more positive changes in his behavior and our relationship, but now I'm once again feeling despair. I keep telling myself not to take things personally and recognize he is just acting out of pain, but it's hard when I keep giving more and more of myself. I guess want I want is to be strong and not always capitulate to his mood swings, but every attempt to assert myself leaves me battle-scarred and plagued by guilt and shame when he starts in on the character assassination.

I'm reading Walking on Eggshells Now and realizing I was being invalidating when I told my uBPD boyfriend that his attitude wasn't helping to make things better with my parents. And being that his worldview is that "people are bad and should be punished," there's no talking him out of his viewpoint. But I'm still lost on what to do, as he feels that I should be the one doing the punishing since he refuses to have any contact with my parents whatsoever.

Today I nearly had a nervous breakdown because my dad wants to take me on a solo boat ride and my bf wants me to "let him have it" and I'm just really feeling torn. My bf looked at me, almost accusingly, and said, "What's wrong?" He seems almost gleeful to find "evidence" that I'm somehow conspiring against him. I hate having to take sides and being put in this position. This is eating me apart psychologically. Would really appreciate some guidance.

Hi, HappyKJ! :hi:

Ah, the BPD partner v family problem. Unfortunately, that’s a difficult dance I’ve gotten to know well. I can’t say that I have the solution but I’m happy to share a bit of wisdom I’ve gathered and has been shared with me.

Bear in mind, in my case, my H and I don’t live with my parents, thank goodness. I sure that’s a stressful situation — it can be even when all parties are emotionally healthy.

As you’ve already experienced, it is VERY common for a pwBPD to isolate their partner from family and friends. Methods for this (conscious or not, I don’t know) include pressure, guilt, manipulation. It is vitally important for your own well-being that you keep your outside relationships going and strong.

My H also had/has a difficult family background. He was adopted at birth and never really “connected” with his parents, who were rather controlling and strict.

Some things he’s tried to convince me of:
1) Your family doesn’t really care about you — at least not as much as they do about your sisters.
2) It’s perfectly normal to yell at your parents and cut them off for months at a time.
3) You need to stand up for me with your parents. Tell them how wrong and awful they are. Sometimes you have to just be mean and make them cry to get your point across.

Now, I disagree with all those. And I continue to refuse to comply. But it’s easy to start to get confused and to get turned around, to start thinking “Is he right?”

Also, any time any family event comes up, it triggers days or even weeks of moodiness and negative comments. Then, when we go, he’s silent and sullen. Makes me want to just avoid them all together.

In my case, my parents have never told me what they think I should do, so I don’t feel torn in that way. For me, I hold on to what I know is true and to who I am. My parents are good people (flawed, yes, but good and well-meaning). My family is important to me. If I want to see them, I will. I will not treat anyone in a way I think is wrong.

In addition, though, I try to keep up support and validation for H. I don’t validate the invalid, but I keep up the affection and the connection in positive times. If he turns nasty or negative about my family, the conversation is over (still working on implementation of that one).

But I’m all too familiar with the confusion, pain and exhaustion that comes from this situation. Believe me. (And feel free to read some of my threads — lots of valid advice out there.)

If you don’t want to be in the middle, don’t let anyone put you there. (Easier said that done, I know.) you might want to read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle. (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle) The problem you’re BF has with your parents is between them, not you. If he has a legitimate problem, what’s stopping him from addressing it with them himself?

Thank you, Ozzie101. Your response comforted me knowing that I am not alone. Before this experience, family get-togethers or even just me talking on the phone with my parents was incredibly stressful, leading to lots of fights with my bf to the point where I'd start avoiding my parents or not calling them. Yes, the things on your list are things that he has asked me to do as well, like make my parents feel terrible pain for all the "turmoil" they have caused him, and he has also tried to convince me that they don't care about me and will leave me out of their will. I recognize that because he grew up in an environment with very little love (his father actually did cheat him out of a will), with an abusive stepdad and a negligent mom who abandoned him (twice), forcing him to be homeless, in his worldview, family is not to be trusted and is in fact to be punished for all the damage they've caused.

But you're absolutely right that just because that's his worldview does not mean it needs to be mine. And I do not need to be their go-between. He told me that he doesn't want to talk to them because he says that I have more influence and that his rage will be so out-of-control that it will irreparably destroy things for everyone. And yes, his rage can be quite intense, even for me who's used to it. He speaks often of his fear of getting thrown out on the street (obviously a legitimate fear going back to his childhood but also a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy as his behavior keeps escalating, when really everyone just wants to get along).

But yes, his anger management problems are not on my court. I need to continue clarifying my values and not getting pulled around like a puppet. Thank you again for your response, and I will check out those links. By the way, the boat trip with my dad went well. There was no negative talk of my bf, and I told him as much (and I think he believed me). He said he was glad I had a good time.

Great on the boat trip!  |iiii I’m glad you got to have quality time with your dad.

One of the things I’ve worked hard on is not getting pulled into the drama and chaos. If he has an issue with my parents? That’s for him to figure out. I may be willing to speak to them, but in my way on my terms. Otherwise, it’s on him.

There are ways to do that empathetically, of course. Being too harsh isn’t usually a good idea — kind but firm.. But I’ve found that he never actually follows through on threats to blast my parents. It’s a manipulation. (This is my H — your guy may be different.) it’s his way of trying to get me to panic and “rescue” him. That no longer works and I have seen a decrease in threats.

Let us know what you think about the triangle!

Thank you, Ozzie101. I like your suggestion to "talk to them, but in my own way and in my own terms." Otherwise, I just get backed into a corner. And yes, he probably would not follow through on threats to blast my parents (he did send an angry email to my mom, but it was pretty mild). I did read the article and found it very revealing; thank you for sharing! I can see how I've been playing the role of rescuer to mitigate conflict, which is ultimately draining and helps no one. I think my BF sees himself as the victim and my parents as the persecutor, though he also plays the role of persecutor at times (and wants me to be persector too) if I'm understanding it correctly. I will work on practicing being compassionate without trying to fix my BF, spend excessive time worrying or taking responsibility for his emotions, or shielding him from the consequences of his actions.

I should clarify: only talk to them if/when it feels appropriate, when there’s something you believe is a genuine concern. I won’t go to my parents about things I disagree with H about.

You read it right. The positions on the triangle can morph a lot.

Yes, don’t let his drama and emotions start to take over your life. And don’t run yourself ragged trying to protect him from the consequences. It not sustainable or healthy. I’m still digging myself out of that mistake (as we speak, sadly).

Yes, I try to keep the drama between my bf and me between us as much as possible and not get my parents involved. Sometimes it's tough because they'll say things to me about him that, if I happen to be in a vulnerable spot that day, I'm tempted to agree with (the controlling part, for instance). But I know it's important to stay in solidarity with him and to defend him against their criticisms, not just for the health of my relationship with him but because, despite our rough patches, I'm with him for a reason, he is a wonderful person, and it's not their place to intervene, even if they believe they're doing it for my good.

At the same time, I am diplomatic in my dealings with them. Giving them a verbal lashing (as he wants me to do) or resorting to shaming and manipulation will benefit no one. When they ask me why he always avoids them, I don't list out all the "atrocities" they have committed, but I do say that he feels unwelcome and it's largely something he needs to work out with himself and he feels that it's better for everyone that he sticks to himself, which is as close to the truth as I can get. They do know about his difficult childhood and the fact that he's never had healthy models for family dynamics. It's a difficult dance for sure and I can't say I do it perfectly by any means but I'm learning day by day, and hopefully it's not one we will have to do for too much longer.