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I guess me saying I cracked was a bit of an overstatement.  To me it was a crack because I had been doing so good not responding.  He's just has flared it out and like a virus, trying so hard to pull any and all resources.  Thank you for the reassurance. :)
I remember last year that I had a text messaging app that I had him message through.  I blocked him on my regular phone number.  That might be something I could do now.  Give his the disposable number and tell him he will have to use that if he wants to communicate.  That way I can turn off the notications without worrying about missing messages from other people and only read them when I am ready and in a good state of mind.
I scrolled through the messages and I can see it all there.  When I do get to a point where I do message him to tell him to stop the cr@p, he ends up sending paragraphs of texts.  I joined some Facebook groups under an anonymous name so nobody could figure out who I was.  I heard the term "gray rock".  I looked it up and that is what I want to practice doing.  I have been doing good, but I need to practice more with being uninteresting and unresponsive.  I need to stop feeding their needs for drama or attention.

I also notice that my lack of response has given me the ability to cleary see what is going on without getting emotionally involved or worked up.  For example.  In one of the texts he said.. My mom said she talked to you.  She kept asking if you were with another man.  I got mad and told her you weren't like that.  Then I told her she was a bad mom.  I told her a lot of our problems stem from my problems.  I told her I don't want people talking bad about you, so I didn't want people to now.  I support you.
This is just one example.  He has also called me a bad mom, use to tell me I was putting the kids in danger.  All of that though is his manipulation tactics.  He is trying to make himself out to be the savior of my name.  Defending my honor, proving he is a good guy for sticking up for me when I am making all these irrational choices.  When yesterday he said he was going to call the cops on me and did.  I called everyone yesterday to let them know what he was up to.

The truth is, he is the irrational one.  I have never felt more grounded and sure of my choices that I do now.

Hey...

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

I would resist the urge to tell him things or "compel" him to do things.  Or not do things.

Focus on yourself and what you do/don't do.

Switching gears

If you had to guess how long it will take for custody agreement/financial agreement and all that to be sent to him..served..whatever...what time frame are you expecting?

Best,

FF

What happened when he called the police?

You may want to request a record of the report for your documentation of the way he uses resources to harass you.

I tried calling and emailing the DA and legal aid yesterday, but they didn't call back.  Legal said it could take 3-5 weeks to get picked up but a represenative.  The DA still had the timeframe of 2 months.  I asked her for an update on Friday, so hopefully they will both get back with me on Monday.  

I agree that after my little snap, I have reminded myself that it isn't wise to tell him not to do something.  All it does is give him ammo to try to drag me into an argument and causes me unneeded stress.  I told my parents that with S9 coming back on Sunday, he will no longer have any excuse to contact them.

Today I am at work, but it's a quiet day.  Not much to do, so I am going to focus on organizing what I need to do in order to make the next month go as smooth as possible.
That's not a bad idea.  I did call the cops myself right after he told me he was going to.  When I told the officer what was happening she asked what was his name and when I told her, she told me he did call.  She reassured me that I was going to be okay.  I didn't think to ask her what he said or if he filed a report.

I also got thinking about something to reinforce why I need to deny visits.  If they actually do put a warrant out for his arrest, the last thing I want is for the kids to be with him when he has an active local warrant.  Just something else I tell myself to reassure I am doing the right thing.

Probably the most important skill is to start recognizing the self-care involved when you are being provoked.

My therapist used to tell me to name everything in the room the color red when I felt myself getting wound up. Then I moved to breathing techniques and noticing parts of my body.

Being provoked became a way to pay attention to what I was experiencing physically, and that led to overall better emotional awareness that I didn't have before. My family of origin was relatively clueless about emotions and that certainly showed up in me.

I found it really hard to start taking care of myself because that was also actively discouraged in my family of origin. I was raised to take care of the most difficult person in the family -- a very hard pattern to change.

Gray rock seems to be a starter boundary that's useful when we're in survival mode. You can have all kinds of boundaries, whether verbal or non-verbal, using different combinations of action and language. There is a lot of genuine strength in those skills that are really about taking care of yourself and growing emotionally.

You are doing phenomenally well given the provocations he is messaging to you. He is trying to destabilize the connection to your family by triangulating with them and seems to want to create the illusion of an alliance. My ex did the same thing. I asked them to not communicate with him but they did anyway.

For a while I had to stop sharing information with them because they could not be trusted, especially in that particular crisis. Their instinct is to manage the crisis until it is hardly noticeable rather doing what is healthy.

Honestly, I think they found it so out of character that I would stand up to a bully and leave him. They didn't disagree that he was difficult, but they were alarmed that I stood up for myself. If I was willing to do that, then I might also be willing to other things out of character and that was terrifying to them.

That is a good point.  I really don't have to worry about survival mode anymore.  I saw somewhere that healing is facing your triggers, but not responding to the triggers.  Something like that.  I have been feeling better with my ability to see his messages and not respond.  Sometimes I type out a respond message in my journal of what I really want to say and then just delete it.  I did it when I listened to a voicemail he left.  When he said something, I said what I wanted to say and then let it go.  It seems to be helping me to vent my frustrations, but in a way where it's just out in the air and then it's gone.

S9 came home today.  My parents stayed the night at a hotel to travel to their house farther east.  We spent time with my parents and the boys went to the pool at the hotel.  It was pretty quiet there.

S9 told me a couple things that exbph said to him while he was at his grandparents.  First was when he was asking to see dad.  I said I don't know what days he has off... I didn't want to go into detail about him not seeing him right then... Then S9 said this and this day.  I said.. I'm not sure, I'll have to ask.  S9 goes, ah ha!  I got you to talk to Dad!  I just looked at him and S9 was laughing.  I realized S9 didn't understand that exbph had been manipulating him to try to get me to talk to him.  

Second thing was.. s9 said.. mom, dad told me when I get to wherever you were staying that I needed to come see him right away.  I was just.. oh yeah?  Then a few minutes later s9 asked.. can I call dad?  I knew at that point exbph had put it in s9's head that it was urgent that he call him and come see him when he got back.  We were walking and I put my arm around s9.  I just said.. Don't worry so much about all of that.  It's not urgent, he's not going anywhere, you'll see him again.  Let's just enjoy our time with gram and papa before we leave.

When we came back to the shelter, he seemed pretty pleased with the place.  I had done my best to set up the room to make it feel more like a home and I had gotten his toys out and I got him a nice sheet set.  He liked that there was a playground.  I know there will be bad days, but I reassured s9 that these changes were going to be a good thing.  I told him that there wouldn't be anymore fighting, screaming, and bad words.  Told him that he wouldn't have to worry about that.  I want him to know he and s4 are safe.

I probably wrote this before but if your spouse didn't adopt the older son, then as only a stepparent or ex-stepparent he has little or no rights to maintain contact with him.  While court might step in to make a ruling for all I know, I believe most states will not stop you from ending that step relationship.  That's a lawyer question of course.

His is the stepfather.  It has crossed my mind more than once to tell exbph that he needs to leave my son alone, or he needs to stop manipulating my son.. of course that wording is done when I am angry.  It is a 100% right though.  He technically has very little, if any rights to S9.

I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.  S9 may be his stepson, but  S9 has known his since he was 1 year old.  I don't S9 even remembers his bio peice of $*&# dad.  S9 looks at exbph as his dad.  I can't find it in my heart to tell S9 that is his stepdad and only S4's bio dad.  That's a whole different can of worms for another post.

On the flip side, now that S9 is back here with me, I'm going to monitor his communication a lot more closely.  I even have a recorder on my phone that if S9 even really wants to talk to exbph, I am going to set the recorder on my phone.  I have tested it before and can have it on without notice.

I will be trying to get into touch with the DA today about the PO.  I emailed her last week so hopefully I just hear back from her today about all of it as well.

My exbph messaged me today.  I was ignoring it as usual.  I read it though and something caught my attention.
He was talking about something that happened yesterday.  Come to find out he was arrested by the local police for Assault Causes Bodily Injury Family Violence.  Has not been charged, but that is what he was picked up for.

He has been pouring out this.. I'm trying to do the right thing, I want to be there for the boys, I want them to have a dad, I know they want to see me, I don't want to lose the boys.  He has completed shifted focused to.. I know we are toxic, I know we can't be together, I know you want nothing to do with me.  But a couple days ago he tells me he loves me.  It's so ridiculious. 

I have been talking to my girl friend.  I am getting reassurance from her to stay strong.  I can feel it in my bones.  I know I am over him and 100% done, but the part of me that wants the boys to have a dad and still be able to at some point see him.  I haven't felt any severe weighing guilt because the boys haven't asked to see him in a few days.  I know however that right now that's not possible.  He just got arrested yesterday and the last thing I am going to do is agree to meet with him and let him see the boys unsupervised.  That would look very bad on me.  Right now is a very delicate situation on I need to keep my head on straight and not let any of that guilt come back.

I'm glad you have a good support system, and I'm glad you're able to see this logically.  It's hard sometimes to be objective when we're still so caught up in the emotions.

You are doing well.

Wise!

I think you had been waiting on some emails back from people.  Did those ever show up?  Answer your questions?

Were you expecting him to be arrested?  Had they given you a heads up?

Might be good idea to draft an email with questions that come to mind...no hurry, perhaps list out questions, edit  and send on Monday.

You've got this...

Best,

FF

Yes, Frankee, stay strong. I know you want the boys to have a dad, to have a relationship with their dad and be able to see him. The thing is, that choice is really up to him, not you. Of course he says all these things about how he doesn't want to lose them, he knows they want to see him. If that's true, he needs to take steps to be the kind of father that his children need him to be, not one that says he loves them in words and not actions.

I'm so thankful that Forever Dad has consistently said on these boards that a good parent does not abuse the other parent. It took a long time for that to really sink in for me, but after I saw him post that many times to other members, it finally took hold in my mind. Good fathers do not abuse their children's mothers. If he really wants to be a good dad, it's up to him to get help to make the changes he needs to make. Your job is to protect yourself and your kids and that's what you are doing.   |iiii

And I will add that you have no obligation to spare him from his consequences.  If you did that then you would end up enabling him.

Let him face his consequences.  Don't ever feel guilted or obligated.

My then-spouse was arrested when we separated.  The officer taking my statement and evidence warned me that many later regretted if they withdrew their statements.  She did not have a record, it was her first time in court and she was a mother.  Those facts were not mentioned when the court rendered its verdict months later.  It stated she was Not Guilty because she didn't have a weapon in her hands.  She was let off easy and a few years later she had her lawyer get the case expunged. However — and this is my point — I let the case proceed, I testified, but I did not weaken in any way to Gift her escape from her consequences, whatever they turned out to be.

I wasn't really sure what to expect with him being arrested.  The county that I am filing the PO in is a different county than the one where I use to live with him and he got arrested.  I am really wondering if he drew attention to himself that day that he actually called the cops on me.  It wasn't very smart of him to tell me he was calling the cops on me.  I called them right after he did and told them what was going on.

Thank you for the encouragement.  I really feel that I was cleared out the FOG.   It has really helped me really take a step back and look at things in a more real perspective.
I spoke with the DA today.  She said everything was submitted to the courts on July 22nd for the PO.  It's going to take about 3-4 months.  I am looking at about still another month at least for the legal aid to pick up my case. 

I was hoping he would be, but I was never told when to expect it. 
He is saying everything he thinks I want to hear.  Maybe if it was the very first time this happened, I would believe him.  The thing is.. this isn't the first time.  I've heard it several times, and everytime I believed it, I always ended up back fighting and getting hurt by him.  Each time I left him, the FOG and my trauma bonding with him started fading.
I am really trying to remind myself not to let all of this go or call it off like I did last year.  I made a big mistake stopping it last year.  He mentions court in his messages and I know he's playing on my feelings from last year, but I'm not the same person I was back then. 

Sometimes it takes many, many times before the emotional pull weakens enough for you to push past it. It took a very long time for me. It wasn't so much what he said to me as it was my desire to believe it was true. In fact, lots of times I knew better, but I wanted it to be true so bad that I made the choice to give him another chance, and another, and another. Seven years of that merry-go-round from hell and I finally jumped off the ride.


When your trust has been broken over and over and over, you get to a point where you not only become aware of the manipulations and patterns, you start to separate yourself from the emotions that make them effective. I found it less and less possible to believe his promises because I saw him do the exact same things repeatedly and I knew, finally, that it was more than him just being too mentally ill to know how ill he was, if that makes sense. He really had no interest in changing, ever. I realized that to the fullest the night he told me over the phone that all the other times he said he was sorry, he didn't really mean it, but this time he did. I thought- oh, really? And all the terrible assaults over the years came flooding back, and I realized in that moment that he was telling me that when he apologized all those times he had severely injured me he was not really sorry. Yet, he expected me to believe that this time was different, and I felt super offended that he thought I wouldn't pick up on the horrible truth of what he had just said. But, of course he thought I would believe him, because I always gave him another chance. That did it for me.

I looked back over at my messages from August of last year.  I see a difference.  This time last year I was living with my friend and I was struggling.  I was working crazy hours, had no car, was having to have him help me with money and transportation and having to ride a bike a lot.  I have a more consistent schedule, I have my own car, and I have decent amount of money saved up and making more this year at work.  I am a lot more relaxed.  I have also been in the shelter for almost two months and my case worker has applauded me for my efforts and meeting with her every week.  She has also told me that I do not need to worry about an extension because she is going to approve it, I will just have to sign the paperwork.

I really feel he is trying to play on my emotions like he did last time and got me to come back.  He just doesn't realize that the only reason I came back last time is because I was unable to pay my bills.  I have given him chance after chance.  He's said things that I have picked up on the underlying meaning, like I was slapped in the face with them. 

The day I was having my S9's dental surgery, he was arrested.  I had no idea.  Then he's here trying to get me to let him see the boys unsupervised.  Really?  He was arrested on a day he had off work.  What if the boys had been with him?  Would CPS gotten involved?  Would they had investigated?  Would they had taken the kids into custody?  I mean.. that's a big no.  Then they would of been asking me, why did you agree to let him see the kids when we are arresting him for bodily harm to you? 

I have replied a couple times and I realized I just need to stop all together which is extremely hard.  He texts me things about non-child issues and I got fed up and I ended up basically telling him off.  I realized I was getting baited so I stopped and told him that I will only talk about matters with the boys and I am done talking and I didn't reply after that.

Financial pressures are a big reason why a lot of abuse victims return. It's good that you are in a more stable place than you were before. It definitely makes it easier to keep your resolve.

You are wise to consider the risks involved in letting the kids see him unsupervised. He is definitely applying a lot of pressure to you emotionally to get you to let your guard down. If he is anything like my ex, he may be thinking that if you let him see the kids it weakens your claims of being afraid of him or that he is dangerous to you. And honestly, sometimes the courts will see it that way, too. The dynamics of abusive relationships and the effects they have on the victim of abuse are not well understood by a lot of court systems.

As far as CPS goes, that is a valid question to ask if they would have gotten involved if he had had the kids when he got arrested. And yes, they would probably ask you exactly what you thought they would ask. Very wise to consider these things.

It really doesn't feel like he is taking into consideration the reality of the situation.  He has a pending charge for unlawfully carrying a weapon and now he was arrested for domestic violence. 

I am a little nervous.  We did go to the courts last year and I told them that there wasn't any domestic violence and I signed off to close the child support case.  I am really praying I didn't shoot myself in the foot doing all of that.  I know I have to prove to the courts that I'm not going to waste their time again.

I am hoping somebody went through a similar thing.  Lying to the courts about there was no domestic violence (when there was) and cancelling child support.. then coming back a year later and doing all of this again.  I'm trying not to stress and put my faith that it will all work out.

If you have documented evidence of your injuries from the hospital, you have proof that you are not lying. If there was not enough evidence he would not have been arrested.

while courts may not take you seriously if you claim abuse and file for a protective order and then backtrack, having physical contact with him, they do know that many times abuse victims will recant what they have said before.

my ex was arrested three times for assault on me. The first time I asked the judge to drop the mandatory no contact order (my county automatically put one in place when he was arrested for dv). He did. The second time was in a different county. That judge did not grant a mandatory protective order, but I declined to press charges personally. The state did press charges, but he only received probation because I did not go to court or speak to the DA. The third time, I did press charges, I did talk to the judge, I did file for a protective order myself, and I did speak with the DA. No one ever said anything to me about the previous incidents when I did not follow through.

Just keep doing what you need to do. You're taking the right steps.

Hold your head up high, Frankee.

You were trying to survive an abuser while raising small children and did the very best you could at that time. Now you are stronger! This guilt is not yours to carry, neither is the shame. Set it down with all the other junk that's been placed on your shoulders all these years.

It is so f :cursing: hard to leave these relationships and people working in and around domestic violence know that.

If someone in the system is burnt out, has lost empathy, or judges you, that's on them and they should think about a career change. You are one of the women who is determined to make a better life for yourself and one slip at the beginning of your journey is not a mistake, it's a stepping stone.

Look at how far you've come, what you're able to see in him now, and in yourself. How much more strength you have, and certainty about what to do.

Yes, you have to prove something to the courts. You have to prove that you learned. You have more information now. You have more strength and support.

It's not so much that you have to do the right thing. It's that the courts have to do the right thing.

Thank you for the encouragement.  I really hope that I can show the courts that I won't go back.  He has been arrested this time, I have spoke to the DA, I have talked to the police, I have applied to get legal help with divorce and everything.  I didn't do this all of last time.
I really appreciate all the support.  I really feel the only reason why I am feeling such weight is because of the boys.  They don't understand.  S9 has said he wants us to get back together, he wants me to be back with daddy.  I really do feel that if it was just me involved in this whole mess, I would be perfectly fine just blocking him in every aspect on my life and moving on.  I know that isn't possible with the kids.

My exbph is smart though.  He has seen that his horrid behavior pushes me away so he's been trying very hard to do the empty promises to change, be better do the right thing.  I am hoping that once the protective order finally comes through and a legal aid/lawyer picks up my case then I can show the courts I am serious about this.  I am hoping my caseworker will advocate for me with the courts.  I meant to ask her that when I talked to her this afternoon.

I haven't been quiet this go around.  I filed the assault report in January, I filed a report back in June a couple days I left and then when he wasn't being very smart and told me he was going to call the cops on me, I called the cops right after he told me he was.  The officer that answered confirmed he called.  Just been one big $hit show after another with him.  When he told me he got arrested, I didn't say anything, just I don't know what you are talking about.. I really didn't at that time.  He said he's not mad and glad I had nothing to do with it.  I don't know if he really believes I had nothing to do with it or he is trying to "prove" he is forgiving.

This simple statement right here is a telltale sign of an abuser. An abuser who uses anger to intimidate will also use the statement "I'm not mad" to "reassure" the victim when he wants to. He probably thinks he's being a nice guy by saying that. What he is actually doing is giving you a window into how he uses his anger to control you.

who the h cares if he is mad? what if you did have something to do with it? what would he do or say then? the anxiety of that is what he uses to abuse and control you.

I'm really glad I still post on here.  I have gotten better at picking up things he says and means, but some of it slips under my radar.  

This morning he told me all of this...  I am being unreasonable and I am hurting the children.  If we go to court, you know they are going to make you let me see them right?  Why not just work with me now?  Quit making excuses and talk to me.  I know they go to *daycare* and I haven't gone and gotten S4.  I guess we're just going to have to go to court.  I'm not giving up the rights to my sons, well I guess I should say son since you are obviosuly keeping S9 away from me.  I really hope you will consider changing your mind.  I didn't want to do things this way.  I'm not willing to give up my rights.  Remember, I tried.

I reread his messages and I saw more depth to it.  The intimidation, the underhanded threats.  I really feel the anger coming up.  I see what he is doing and I hate the fact that he keeps doing it.  He thinks he's trying and getting better, but he cracks in his talking and I pick it up.

I am still sitting quiet about the PO and the fact I am trying to get legal assistance for custody/visitation.  I hate having to do this silent waiting game, but I know when he gets served the papers, that's when it's going to get really rough.  I need to practice now, holding my ground.

Are you responding to the messages at all?

Best,

FF

The only thing I have said is to only message about the boys.  Which I admit backfired because he said he was messaging about the boys.  Just goes to show his irrational thinking.  Other than that, I find myself going to type out these messages and about half way through I delete them and put my phone away.  It's really hard because I still want to point out everything he is doing wrong and what I know he is up to.

I know it's probably best to completely ignore all of it and I am still working on self control.  Is it wise to completely ignore or say things like stop messaging except about the boys.  If I tell him to stop and continues, that considered harassment right?

Hey...whatever you can do to stop communicating..the better.

Because each these communications is something for you to think about.   

(big breath here...I'm on your side). 

If you contact him and say only contact me about the boys and he only contacts you about the boys, to me that seems rational on his part, vice irrational.    (all that being said, I'm not sure how any of that would apply or matter)

You are heading in a great direction, less or no communication is better.

Faster to court and things like that are better.

One thing I wanted to explore further.

Can you post the exact exchange where he says he knows where the kids go to daycare (or whatever he said)?   

Best,

FF

When he throws in all the other statements about courts, I am hurting the children, telling me to talk to him, he knows where they go to daycare and he hasn't taken them yet.  Would it be best to just outright ignore all of it?

The question of exact exchange about the daycare.  Do you mean when did he find out they are going to the other daycare?  I am not 100% sure when he found out.  It may sound messed up, but I think when S9 was talking to exbph on the phone when he was with his grandparents, he may had told him about the daycare.  My parents told me that they overheard on different occasions where exbph was heard to be saying things to coarse S9 to tell him things.  Exbph seems to be watching what he is saying to the boys since S9 has been back.

I don't think how he found out matters (but not sure)

So, I'm curious to read the exact language he used. 

I would also encourage you to keep screenshots of that separately from all the other and potentially might be an issue to raise with the DA and/or raise with legal assistance.

It may be a blessing in disguise that helps move your request along.  If he really does appear to be threatening to show up at daycare and get kids...well..that's a threat.

If he did that after his arrest, it may look even worse for him.

This is all "maybe" stuff though, it depends what he said.

Basically I could see the DAs and legal help operating at one speed based on "normal" need.  I would hope that if he is threatening to grab kids that they would accelerate their help to get you legal protection quicker.

Make sense?

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

His verbiage was "And I know they go to *daycare name*.  I haven't gone and taken S4.  Can't you see I'm trying to work with you the best I can.  Please."

When I typed that out.. Could it be seen as..  well, I haven't done that because I'm trying to work with you.  What happens if he gets tired of trying to "work" with me and gets impatient?  He has been throwing out a lot about me damaging the kids, hurting them, he doesn't want to drag the kids through this mess.

I sent that text screenshot and the other ones to the DA.  He is saying all of this after he was arrested.  Which he also decided to tell me he was only in the for 3 hours and that the arrest it "under control".  He really appears to not have even have skipped a beat with being arrested for DV charge.  I called the police department and they said it takes about 4-7 days to create a report.  He told me to call bak Wednesday to ask for records.  I am going to see if I can get a copy of that report for his arrest.

Good job sending this to the DA.  At this point probably wise to wait until you get a copy of the report and that report will "prove" the date of arrest.

Then reach out to legal aid again and let them know you "feel threatened" because even after the arrest for DV he is still saying such things, so it's imperative that filings and custody orders get done ASAP, before something happens at daycare.

Likely a good idea to have daycare put in the order and prevent him from coming within xx feet of the daycare or something like that.

Best,

FF

Thak you :) 

We have it being put into the protective order that he isn't allowed to come by my home, place of work, school, or the daycare.

It's a little upsetting.  The DA since there was no threats of domestic violence in the texts, that it's not really a threat.  It may sound harassing, but it really isn't.  It's a little frustrating.  I know him.  When he is trying to manipulate things, he is calm and collected and watches what he says.  It's only when he gets angry is when he loses control and starts threatening.

That certainly is disappointing.

I encourage you to keep going with the process and keep up the documentation.

Sometimes a piece of "evidence" won't stand on its own, but put together with other evidence tells a very compelling story.  Keep up the work!

Best,

FF

He sent me a message yesterday.  Trying to figure out where I'm staying.  Kept saying don't get mad.  Trying to figure out if this "place" is keeping me from seeing the boys.  Then asking me if I have PTSD.  I didn't respond to any of it.  He asked if he could talk to the boys today and I just replied "Tonight".

My mom has COVID and pneumonia.  My dad took her to the hospital two days ago. They transferred her to a different hospital with specialists.  It was 5 days, not they are expecting to have her in there for 3-4 weeks.  My dad is really broken up.  He wasn't able to say bye to her or give her a hug when they went to the hospital.  They hurried her off while my dad signed the paperwork and then had to wait in the van and then they told him they were admitting her.  He's scared that he could lose her and he wouldn't of been even to be able to say bye.  Just typing that out makes me tear up.

I am trying to stay positive for him and keep myself busy.  I'm not telling my exbph.  I already know him.. he would use that as a way to prey on my emotions and try to pretend like he's here for me and wants to support me.  I'm not telling him anything.  I refuse to let him know I am having a hard time because he will just make it worse.

 
Oh my...COVID and pneumonia.   :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

You will be in my thoughts and prayers. 

What can you do today that is extra special for you?

Best,

FF

Thank you for the prayers.  :)

Just trying to stay positive and know that she's in good hands.  Staying focused on my goals is helping me deal with it. 

I have a lead on an apartment complex.  I was honest about my income situation and they are a "tax credit" apartment place.  It looks really nice in the pictures.  2 bedroom, 2 bathrooms.  I am going to go there after my doctor appointment.  I am trying not to get too excited, but it's the first real lead I've have on housing.  I have called so many different apartment complexes and have been turned down or they are for senior living.  I am gathering every and all paperwork I can think of.  I might even throw in the fact I am enrolled in the college to become a nurse.  I'm going to go to the complex looking professional like I would for a job interview.  First impressions are important and I want them to see me as a potential good tenant.

I'm still holding firm on my path and waiting patiently for the PO and legal aid to call me. 

Fingers crossed.

Yes yes..triple yes.  My fingers are crossed for you.

It's so interesting how people's lives criss cross on these boards.  Just after I retired from the Navy I was a "county manager" for a while.  One of my proudest achievements was getting one of these tax credit apartments to locate in my county. 

It was the first one and was/is really nice.  Prior to that we only had traditional public housing.

https://www.enterprisecommunity.org/financing-and-development/new-markets-tax-credits#:~:text=Investors%20get%20a%2039%20percent,in%20the%20final%20four%20years.

Good plan on how you are going to present yourself!

Best,

FF

I know I keep wandering from the inital topic, but I just figured something out.  Last couples days or so, I thought I heard the truck drive by and then someone honk.  I work on a main street where I know he has to drive by to go to his work.  Once I swore I saw the truck and I was like.. nah.. I'm imagining it.  It happened today.  I heard a rumble and then someone honking.  I turned around to look out the window and right as I turned around, I see his truck go by.  Next day I work, on my lunch break, I may go out there and watch for him and video record it.  It would just sound crazy if I told the DA that without any proof.

Frankee, I just saw the news about your mom. I'm so sorry. I will be holding you and your family in my heart.

You are doing the right things right now. I'm excited about the apartment possibility -- that is a major plus.

Stay strong. We believe in you.

Frankee, so sorry to hear about your mother's illness.  I had pneumonia a few weeks ago but fortunately negative for COVID-19 so the hospital let me go.  (I went in for coughing up pink so I thought it was my heart again but they said it was my lungs.)  I know what I would use if I did have it, but sadly I probably should go into details since less expensive remedies have become so politicized.

I am currently taking elderberry with zinc and vitamin D since my state almost banned use of hydroxychloriquine and even so I'd have to jump through hoops to get it, well, unless I was going to travel to a malaria-prone region of the world.  Elderberry is also a natural substitute to help zinc to get into cells.  But your mother is probably advanced into the second stage where the primary issue is not the virus anymore but the body's immune overreaction requiring different angles of attack such as with steroids to reduce the inflammation.  (I'm not a doctor but since I'm high risk category I've educated myself.)

I’ll keep you in my prayers for your mother and for getting the apartment.  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Cat

Thank you for the prayers.  My mom got plasma treatment and it seems like it helped her out immensely.  I am hoping that the effort I am putting into getting the apartment will pay off and they just tell me no.  It really is hard to find a nice apartment complex that doesn't cost more than I make in one paycheck and will work with me on my requirements.

Here's hoping.

Okay.. calling all reinforcements again Lol.  Ever since I figured out that nutcase has been driving by my job and honking his horn.. everytime he does it, it makes me want to punch him and my eyeball twitch.  Just a recap.

Starting last week.  I heard a car honking and I was like, okay.. somebody was being an idiot on the street.  Second day.. I swore I saw his truck.. and I thought, nah.. I'm imagining it.  The third time it happened, I knew it was him and I told my girl friend what he was doing.  I haven't said anything to him about it.  However!  I am back here at work and he did it again.  I heard the honking of his truck and I turned around and I saw him drive by.

Should I call him out on it?  I can't record it because he does it when I am working, not on lunch.  Should I ignore it?  It's really aggraviting to ignore it when I KNOW it's him.  He knows what he is doing and he is doing it on purpose.  I can't do anything about him driving down the street because it is a main road where everybody drives up and down the street. 

I feel like if I call the police and report it, I will just sound like a crazy paranoid woman without proof.  Then not even 5 minutes later he messages me with his mailing address and tells me to have a good day.  This is why I am about two seconds from telling him off.

This is one of those things that you may not be able to do much about. If you were to call the police, they may not have grounds to do anything without a protective order in place (i.e., a court order that says he may not come within so many feet of your place of employment). Even with a court order, you are correct that it's a public road and it may be hard to enforce without concrete proof.

However, lets look at it from a different angle. His motive for doing it may be just to let you know that he is there because he can't abide being ignored. It isn't harming you or threatening you. It's aggravating and your focus on it is making it more aggravating. I would suggest you not acknowledge it to him at all, but also document it in a journal and see if you can get witnesses besides yourself to confirm that it is him. Write it down each day that he does it. It may not be actionable in and of itself, but it may give weight and clarity to an overall pattern of stalkerish behavior in the long run.

When he does it, try thinking to yourself that he's just adding to your list of documentation instead of perceiving it as something he's doing to get under your skin. Changing your perception of it might help you feel less reactive. When you hear that horn, think "ok, one more checkmark on the list that just helps my case."

This is why I am glad I post on here  lol  Real perspective for dealing with people like this.  I think that will be a good idea.  Mark it down everytime he does it.  I really felt that if I told him I knew what he was doing, he would realize it's working and he's getting my attention and that I am allowing my emotions to control my response.  No response is a response.  Ugh.. frustrating still.  It's like when the kids are like.. he's touching me.. no I'm not (while they are waving their fingers a few inches from the other child's face), then that child reacts to the one waving his fingers and smacks him.. then they annoying child cries.. he hit me!

I actually wrote the dates in the notes column for my planner.  Can see how many he racks up.  Even my casework said that the police technically can't do anything, but to report it, just so there will be a record of it.  I feel like what is aggravating, is he is doing this whole behavior after the fact he got arrested from assault. 

He has been trying very very hard to convince me that he isn't going to do anything.  That he could of, but he hasn't.  What I am on guard for is that snap.  Right now he thinks I am just hiding, afraid, and untrusting.  He even told me he know I am staying at the shelter and he doesn't care.  I have not told him that and not said anything to confirm it.  Last year he completely went nuts and told me he would burn the place down.  He may suspect I am, but even if he does, he probably doesn't know it's several towns over since I still am working at the same place. 

Do a search here on the phrase "negative engagement" which is often mentioned here.  Even if he can't contact you, well, a much as before, he is still trying to engage you.  (And you already know that trying to reason doesn't succeed either.)  Yes, it's hard to not react or overreact but that's what he's trying to do, goad you or bait you into a reaction.  And if you do overreact then he'll just point at you and say you're the problem.

However you act or react - or not - don't overreact. |iiii

That was an amazing suggestion.  The first paragraph I read about it was like a lightbulb in my head.  My exbph is extremly good as negative engagement.  Reading the short article in really makes you see how often negative engagement is used.  Sometimes in a fashion that is subtle that is seems common. 

He did ask a question about the kids and a storm coming through.  Wanted to know if I had storm precautions on place.  I replied with a very short response saying yes and the boys will be safe.  He then replied with some nonsense about how he wished we could get past this tension, how he just wants to get along, how he hates it being like this, how he feels like the boys aren't his sons anymore.  I rolled my eyes and grumbled to myself.  I didn't respond at all, but I thought.. be uncomfortable, not my place to make you feel better or validate any of your concerns.  I know he is fishing for some kind of comfort and I am not going to give him anything.

We're in the cone of uncertainty for the storm too.  Glad you have a safety plan. 

I am slightly disappointed.  I hear back from the legal aid about my case.  She informed me that since I am not established in the county of residency, they can't help me.  I explained I was in a DV shelter and they said until I have permanent residency, they will have to put services on hold.  Which really stinks.  There is another legal aid that I am going to get an application for and I asked my caseworker about it.  I am worried that it might be the same situation.  I am still going to apply, but I am not getting my hopes up. 

It really makes me think about how many women in the shelter in the same situation.  How many women can't get legal assistance because they don't have permanent residency.  Then the housing assistance list is months long..  So these women are stuck in shelters, not able to get legal assistance, not able to get housing for months.  I am trying not to get down, but it's really disappointing.  It means that my divorce is just going to longer than I want.  I am trying to be patient, but I really want something started so I can show I'm not just sitting around on my hands.  I talked to my caseworker and if the other legal aid assistance denies for whatever, I am basically on my own.  Which isn't a new concept to me, but just frustrating.  I feel the only thing the DV shelter is providing is a roof over my head.  Everything else I have pretty much done on my own.  I guess I shouldn't be too upset.  At least I have a place to stay that is safe and free from him.