BPDFamily.com

I decided to start a separate post from the one I had.  Things have shifted gears.

S9 has returned from the grandparents.  After approx two months.  Exbph has been manipulating S9 and telling him things to tell me.  Inappropriate things a 9 yr old needs to be concerned with.  I am going to to monitor and record any communication exbph has with S9.  My parents may not of been techncally inclined to do so, but I am.  Exbph may have gotten away with it when S9 was with my parents, but I refuse to let the manipulation continue.

My exbph has been doing serious engulfing and charming.  The level of improved or desirable behavior he has been showing is just unreal.  I hate it.  I can see why it was also easy to get pulled back.  I would be such a royal bi$%* to him and he would be an a$$, but then he would flop to the way he was in the beginning.  Promises for being a better man, supporting me, understanding, there for me, wants to help, want to do all this stuff for the kids.  Being patient, telling me he will always be there for me, knows we are toxic and he's no good for me.  Gnawing at the attempts to get me to validate his feelings.  I know he wants me to tell him he's wrong, I still love him, I'm just having a hard time.

What he is doing is a common trap that most of here are pretty well aware of.  Where I use to fight and argue and get baited into getting into it with him, I return with silence.  Where I use to try to JADE until I was blue in the face, I now will type of the long ranting texts and end up deleting them.  I look at the text thread and I had to scroll through his paragraphs just to find where I even said one of two words.

I write on here in hopes that it will reach somebody who is walking the same path.  Knowing they aren't crazy or alone.  I really wish I could say that it gets better, but in my story, it hasn't.  The only thing that has gotten better is my ability to see things for what they really are and what my relationship was with my exbph. 

The only thing I can say is that, I can read a room.  I can read people's emotions and what they are feeling.  I am highly intuitive and self aware.  My exbph use to say otherwise.  Call me cold, heartless, lacking self awareness, so uncaring that I would tell people it was there fault if they had a disability.. all within the past few months.  What he doesn't realize is all of that was because I had given up on him.  He no longer deserved my energy or my love.  My energy is no reserved for people that truly love me, for who I am.  I gave my of my life that I should had.  Now I decided that it's time for me to start living a better, healthier life, for myself and my boys.