BPDFamily.com

Mom is uBPD.  She hates my Dad.  I personally am apathetic about her, but love my Dad dearly.

I have not seen either of them since Christmas.  Dad was supposed to come to my place for us to attend an event about 2 weeks after the lockdowns and cancellations started mid-March.  The event is for a common hobby that we have and it was only to be Saturday morning.  He usually spends the whole weekend when he comes -- and Mom wants it that way, she wants him out of the house.  She has a love-hate relationship with him.  She hates him but won't let him go.  Now they are in their 80s, so it's indeed "till death do us part".

Mom is an expert at anything medical because "I'm a nurse".   Her being a nurse involves her graduating from nursing school in 1960 and working part-time for a couple years after that.   

She is super-scared of CV -- a lot of us are, that's not really this discussion.  She has kept Dad hostage, and she rarely goes out.  Because "she is a nurse", she knows how to disinfect and keep the germs at bay.  She doesn't trust anyone else to do it.

She does not allow my sister who lives next door to her into the house, but I wouldn't either.  My brother in law works in the ER at the local hospital, so they have a good chance of being exposed.  And sister and brother in law have college aged kids who go out in the community then drop into their house for this or that.

I desperately want to spend time with Dad.  They are about an hour's drive away.   Every time I talk to her, she is a sad kitten about how she doesn't know when she will ever see me again.  I suggested zoom or skype, and she says she's not interested in that, it's the face to face. 

I am secretly planning to visit at the end of next week.  Both husband and I have been completely isolated for about a week now.  I even already have a full tank of gas in the car.  It's only a 1.5 hour drive, so I won't have to stop along the way.

I was going to go when we'd been isolated for two weeks.  I'm not going to present the idea to my parents until a day or two before.  Well, to Mom, since she's the gatekeeper and rule-maker and Dad would just say to ask her.   Mom might still have excuses to not let me go.  I really want to spend the time with Dad, but I know she will monopolize me.  They stay in different parts of the house.  Her in the family room and him in a man-cave he has in the bonus room over the garage.  I will probably have to spend a night to get any quality time with Dad. 

I'm going to wait until 2 days before for several reasons.  First to not get their hopes up in case something changes about my situation and second to give Mom less time to think up excuses.

The pandemic has actually taken away 4 (hobby related) visits that I could have had with Dad without my Mom in the way.  And 4 other visits where she would have been around.   Since Dad is so old, I really do miss our time together.  I feel like I would see him more if uBPD Mom wasn't in the way.

If she doesn't like virtual and wants face to face, then where is the gate keeping you from seeing them?

Maybe you should just call her from 10 minutes away, let them know your in town beside you have been self-isolating for 2 weeks in preparation for seeing them and can’t wait to see them with some fresh cookies, bread or whatever. I wonder if you give her 2 days warning if she will think of reasons you shouldn’t be there and not let you?
I hope you have a great time!

I was just thinking the same thing Bullrider just said! Or even call them from the driveway when you get there or just go up and knock on the door. I hope you get to see your dad!

Too late.  I called her yesterday and she said no. Then I got a text from sister late at night.

Not beating the hornets nest again.  I am really sad.  I miss Dad so much.  If I were to just show up, he would have to pay the consequences from her later.