BPDFamily.com

Hi all - 34m married to 32f with one small child.

What is wrong - my marriage is on the edge and I am not sure what to do. I should have seen a lot of the red flags early on, dashing off from social events or the clinginess/showing up uninvited and how she described her previous relationship (he wasn't involved/paying attention to her enough basically). Such an warm and friendly person at times and that is what I used to mostly only see, and now that is mostly gone and I see the opposite. Someone who can be so rude, dismissive and unaware yet so sensitive to any perceived slight.

Her parents had a tumultuous and violent relationship - something I never really knew until after we were married.

There is nothing she can not turn in to my fault. Any ounce of frustration, stress, unhappiness - she will turn on me, sometimes publicly, and find a way to blame it on me aggressively and loudly (the repetition, wild leaps of logic etc I have read about). She has made every vacation we have ever had chaos, any events for me are usually met by threats of not going/anger etc.. This only got worse when my daughter arrived. Anytime anything stresses her out, she loses it on me it's because I am not being supportive enough. Her mother also completely smothered her I think to make up for the chaos that was her childhood so I think she craves a constant offering of doing things for her. Frankly though, she won't really talk about it and is totally unable to communicate about any of her emotions.

Sometimes, things are great, and then it comes out of nowhere, almost as is things are too normal so she needs the conflict (I remember once on day 6 of a great relaxing (rare!) vacation her basically just decided at dinner to tell me I am a terrible father etc... and just seeming totally unaware how rude and hurtful that is to say - this lead to a day or two of chaos). I have also seen times where it truly seems like she craves the conflict ramping up and me getting angry and frankly saying things I shouldn't say. I have at times felt the only way to get her to stop the relentless attacks is to basically break her down emotionally and I regret every time I have let my anger get the better of me. Frankly though, I am angry, very angry for the hell I am being put through.

Nonetheless, it has only gotten worse. Violent attacks by her are not uncommon. Sometimes I have provoked them with words, other times not really at all, my only sin was trying to walk away or just ignore her. It is way too common and has resulted in deep scratches etc... Recently she attacked me while I was driving and we almost crashed.

I can't talk to her at all about any of this, she immediately gets very aggravated and interrupts constantly. The justifications, connections etc... make me feel like maybe I am losing it.

She has gone to therapy. One did a attachment style type test, where she was soo sure I was super detached style because I have no empathy because my mom didn't (a usual attack of hers) and she was fine. Anyways, she was very high on attachment anxiety (shocking...) and I was basically right in the middle/normal. I don't say this to highlight me as perfect (i am not at all), more to point out the world she lives in. She stopped going soon after. Next, one guy for ~6 sessions and he wanted to bring me in. I did a couple alone with him and it became very obvious she had basically avoided everything serious/embarrassing and he was obviously very concerned ("we can get her some help"). She even covered for me. Clearly this frustrated me. Nevertheless we started doing together and it was basically a waste of time as nothing was changing because she CAN'T and is totally unable to see anything she does wrong usually (she can justify anything, rarely apologizes, and is never at fault, and if she ever knows shes at fault for something... watch out). Sure enough I was talking about how I felt in a session, she didn't like it, tried to storm out, he stopped her, we finished, she stormed out down the street by herself etc...  didn't go back again. Recently after a long wait list got her to agree to go after a particularly wild incident (probably violence, potentially in front of our child) to a place I thought looked great. She did a lot of sessions and I know they were talking about splitting, black and white thinking, negative thought patterns etc... yet after a handful or two the therapist said well you seem good clearly our husband is the problem go get couples counselling and recommended someone. I have pushed for weeks to go, it gets met with predictable vitriol. I tried to ask to speak with her therapist when she was going and the therapist apparently refused but then called a few weeks ago out of desperation as I know she has basically been manipulated for a few months (while taking our $) and she called my wife back instead so that was great.

I love my wife, and I don't want to leave my daughter - but I don't know what to do. I know deep down she knows there is problems (she admits if in the odd occasion but then the next day is right back to nothing is wrong, your the problem mode). Need some guidance, advice or really anything that can be helpful. Thanks!

Hi Notname87 *welcome*

we've all been there. Your situation sounds very complicated, no wonder you feel at the end of your rope.

To me it makes a difference to think "I deserve help" rather than "I need help". It might aply to your wife, if you can tell her she deserves help. If you navigate through the page, you'll find posts and tools to get a person to seek this help when they don't contemplate it or refuse to go.

At the very least, it helps us to see we are not alone. Thousands of people are going through the same problems as you, or did.

My experience is very different, as my SO embraces the diagnosis and blames herself for everything (at least rationally). But still, she doesn't believe in therapy, as her experiences have been very disapointing and unhelpful. Emotionally, she still acts as if she blamed me for everything everyday, so what you say resonates with me.

I hope you find usefull information, and you keep us posted about your experience.

Best of luck,

Joe.