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Title: What to do Post by: JoeJoe on August 13, 2020, 03:07:06 PM Hi Guys! I am new here and really seeking for support because I do not know what to do anymore. I am an entrepreneur with an own business and have a girlfriend for almost 10 years now and we are living together. In the past few months we have been having discussions almost every single day. She does not really have Friends and says that I am the only one she really feels comfortable with. As I said I am an entrepreneur trying to build a business for our children in the future but it seems like she is having difficulties supporting me. Next to this she said today that I do not take the initiative to spend time with her whiles we do things that I planned the last few times that even other couples would be happy to do with their spouse. It looks like she does not want me to spend time on something I love to do and keeps complaining about something that is not even true. I do a lot of things with her that even my Friends girlfriends are jealous of. I do not know what to do because it is really starting to on my nerves and I am starting to get a shorter temper. Please help!
Title: Re: What to do Post by: Mutt on August 13, 2020, 03:37:30 PM Hi JoeJoe, :hi:
Excerpt Next to this she said today that I do not take the initiative to spend time with her whiles we do things that I planned the last few times that even other couples would be happy to do with their spouse. I want to welcome you to BPDFamily. I'm glad that you have decided to join us. You'll find a lot of similar stories as your own if you browse the different discussions. Is she diagnosed with BPD? Sometime that comes to mind as I'm reading your post is validation - a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) need a lot of validation and validation will help you in relationships or conversations because everybody wants to be heard. I recall a T ( therapist ) had thought me active listening but validation is more than that because you're interpreting what the person is saying between the lines and creating a connection hits home for the other person. That being said, there's no magic pill and there could be other nuances that you'll you'll soon share with us - for example some people call BPD an emotional dysregulation disorder - I'll quote Dr Edward Hallowell "BPD is like having a Ferrari with bicycle brakes" The point is that she could be emotionally flooded at the time and validation or any of the other tools will have little to no affect so it's better to give a pwBPD ( and yourself ) space or changing the tempo by doing something different like going out to the garage and start cleaning it. Excerpt R. Skip Johnson When it comes to emotional intelligence, one of the most advanced skills is learning how to become more validating and less invalidating. Often, if we are experiencing a communication breakdown, or if there is a wall between us and someone else, it most likely has been built with the bricks of invalidation. This is a powerful tool and life skill. Mastering it will greatly elevate your emotional intelligence and your "people skills". Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating) Title: Re: What to do Post by: JoeJoe on August 14, 2020, 02:31:36 AM Hi Mutt :hi:
She is diagnosed with BPD more than 1,5 years ago and she is in the moment of having Group therapie, Individual therapy and Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Yesterday eventually she got really angry and started pushing me and throwing with the door because I was sitting down quietly whiles she was angry and said I did not care about the way she felt and that I did not do anything to help her. This started all because she said that my communication towards her had changed for the past few weeks because I got busier. Me knowing that I got busier I told her exactly everything that I was doing except one thing that I had to do suddenly but told her after. We keep getting in conflicts lately too fast and too often and I do not know if I am still strong to keep myself going with this but I do love her and I would definitely want to help her but it feels like I am forgetting myself then more and more because I do not do the things I want to do that often anymore. |