BPDFamily.com

I have been trying, for a long time, to have some kind of dialogue in email with my BPD mother who is in her 80s now.  This is mostly me trying very hard to stick to facts, and her throwing all kinds of crazy PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) back while refusing to take responsibility, and then going radio silent for months.  I am otherwise NC with her, and have been with small exceptions for over 20 years

The last substantive email I sent listed out my checkboxes on the Adverse Childhood Experiences Scale (I have 6, this is pretty high), after which she didn't reply.  I sent some followups and got nothing.

And then, the other day, I got an untitled message, 3 words.  "I am sorry."

I don't even know what to think about that.  It has no context, no specific thing she is sorry about, nothing.  But - she said it, to me, directly.  The previous, closest she's come was five years ago, when she sent an apology through my 7 year old son.  (He told me "she's sorry she was mean to you when you were little")  I told her (by email) that it was inappropriate to use him as a go-between, and if she had anything to say she should say it to me directly.  She didn't.  I feel like I lost an opportunity there, I should have been more accepting of the message, even if the messenger entirely inappropriate.  Anyway, I didn't, and now I have this email.

It turns out my older son (mid 20s) had a talk with her, and managed to get through the smokescreens and denials and diversions and bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) to the simple fact that she needed to apologize.  For background, his mother and I are long divorced, and though son and ex recognize BPD moms insanity, they maintain some degree of relationship. 

And now, here we are.

I wrote back a short letter, thanking her and saying that I knew it was hard, it didn't solve everything, but it helped.  I haven't heard back.

And more to the point, I have no idea what to do.  I am very busy trying to navigate a business through COVID, having trouble sleeping sometimes, and I don't know if I have the emotional energy to support her through apologizing to me.  I don't know if it can even mean anything at this point - I mean, she's in her 80s, has met her younger grandson perhaps twice, by accident.  What future is there here?  I feel overwhelmed by the weight of decades and decades of the anger, blame, neglect, abuse she has thrown at me.  The rare support she's shown has been grudging at best, always counted up for emotional blackmail.  In the same conversation where my son managed to get her to realized she should apologize, she told him she's still expecting repayment, with interest, for two thousand dollars she gave me in 1992 to start a business (which didn't work out, followed promptly by my divorce, loss of house and a thirteen year journey to get back to where I'd started).  During the divorce she refused to let me store any of my stuff in her 5 bedroom house in which she lives alone, and so I lost almost almost everything.  And, BTW, while I was struggling all those years, she gave half a million dollars to her various charities.  And, BTW, she earned none of that, it's all inherited or earned by my father (long since passed away).

There's much more of course, what BPD doesn't come with more?

Anyway, I am just overwhelmed by this.  I mean - it's what I've been trying to get to for a long time, but I also know it will be a huge amount of work to go any further and I don't know if I have that in me right now. 

No real question here, but input most welcome.

Hi.

I will never forget years ago an older mentor telling me that longing for and then getting an apology is a tough thing to deal with.  It changes nothing, yet it is something many of us often long for... but then what?  I went through similar when my father (the supposed healthier parent) acknowledged that he knew there was something wrong with my mom since the very beginning.  Hearing him say that actually hurt more.

Can you just sit with this apology for now?  See how it feels in a week or two or even longer?  Are you able to accept that this may be the very best apology she is capable of?

Maybe, for now at least, you do not need to go any further with this.   :hug:

My elderly uBPDm will occasionally apologize, but will always dysregulate often the next day, and get right back to the manipulative toxic behavior, often blaming me for her unhappiness. It is still hard, but I am getting better at not falling for it, because I know too well she cannot sustain normal behavior. That makes the apology feel more like part of her twisted game, like she wants to lull me into being vulnerable so she can go in for the attack. I really don't think it's a conscious thing, it seems like she just cant control her emotions, but i am at times overwhelmed by the amount of sheer dysregulation. In some ways, no apology would be better as i wouldn't get false hope.

My mother with BPD who died last summer, my sister with NPD, and my brother with BPD, have never apologized. They have always alternated between love bombing me with saying how they love me and being incredibly generous at times to being openly abusive and passive agressive. I think the bottom line on your mother's apology is she does not get what she has done at all, and how much it has hurt you.

Thanks all for the insights.  I do think that on some level my mother understands what the problem is (ie, her).  In addition to her trying to relay an apology through my son, my sister also once told me that my mother had broken down about how badly I'd been treated.  So, perhaps once in ten years I get a little glimmer.  I think the real problem is that admitting that to herself, and especially to me, is such a devastating thing.  How can you accept that you deliberately, willfully, hurt your child?  I know as a parent it's hard enough having a child be angry over things that have to happen (or not happen) because of circumstances beyond your control, things that are in their genuine best interest.  And yet my mother has done many cruel, abusive things.  I get that she would do anything to deny that.  In practice that means blaming me so she doesn't have to accept responsibility - although of course that only perpetuates the damage.

I dunno.  I'm exhausted by this.  I think I picked the wrong week to give up coffee.

P

Hi again!

I get the impression that you were hoping for more from her?  Is that right?

How are you doing today?

Hey Harri, thanks for checking in. 

I'm good, kinda in a fog though.  And yes, I would like much more from her.  At the same time, even if she were magically emotionally healthy again - which is not a reality that can exist in this world - there's not really much she can do.  The lost opportunities are lost.  I needed her at age 12, perhaps massive amounts of work could have salvaged something in my twenties - I'm in my fifties now - there's nothing left.  Objectively my life is very good, I have a wonderful wife, two delightful sons - but I find myself wanting to just retreat, vanish from the world.  I am (I think) good at being mindful, appreciating each moment, but mindfulness doesn't bring much joy.  I'm worried about my business, and this makes me resentful of the half-million dollars she's squandered while pleading too poor to cover my education (decades ago now, but it really hurt when I learned it, and still does).  I'm having a great deal of trouble focusing and getting stuff done.  And I'm realizing that this will never, ever, ever go away.  I want my childhood back, I want a do-over that doesn't involve fighting depression and anxiety my whole damn life.  I want a relationship with my mother that isn't about manipulation and emotional blackmail and power.  And I don't want to have to be the mature one who provides the stable support to get her through her dysfunction, because that's exactly the role she forced on my since I was old enough to talk.

And, while I'm wishing, I'd like a pony. 

I keep web searching BPD like I'm going to one day stumble on the solution or some insight, but I've been on this board for 10 years now, I've worked very hard to salvage some kind of relationship and - meh.  There's not even any point in expressing my anger.  If she was able to somehow listen and accept it and take responsibility she'd probably just die from the guilt and shame I already know define her whole existence.

So, I guess where I am is - I have all the tools, I know what I should do to get through this, I do those things, I still feel like crap. 

Anyway, thanks again for reaching out.  My wife is unfailingly loving and supportive, but it's so alien to her experience, and there's nothing new to the story. 

Anyway, thanks for reaching out.  It's helped to write this down, and I think will help me sleep now.

C

Having a mother with BPD and suffering all the losses it brings is a life long sorrow. I hear you when you wish you could have a do over, and have the kind of mother every human being deserves. The depression, anxiety, and struggle to feel joy do not have to be life long. You have made some very courageous choices by marrying a woman who is able to love others and help you to raise fine children. I think you could benefit from doing some long term mind body work which would help you to grieve your losses. You are not alone in not being able to do mindfulness. I could not do mindfulness nor feel real joy until I did EMDR therapy. "The Body Keeps the Score" discusses the latest in mind body therapies, all of which can help to end the terror and disappointment trauma survivors are often constantly plagued with when raised in an abusive home. There is no such thing as posting too much here. Do let us know how you are doing.

Thanks zach.  I suppose what I'm now realizing is - not only have I lost my childhood, my youth, much of my self - but that it is all unrecoverable.  Her apology won't do it, nothing will do it.  I cannot go back in time and have a safe home, I cannot go back and have secure attachment.  This isn't a rough patch, not something I can get through with resilience and exercise and meditation.  This is just my reality.  I'm very frustrated with my inability to focus, to get things done, because I am constantly sucked back into a pointless quest to understand what I already understand as well as can be understood.  I'm not going to learn more about her, about myself, BPD, the total history that brought me to this point.  It's like a plane crash investigation - you can learn all kinds of fascinating things about the crash, the pilot, the plane, aviation writ large.  Maybe you can even learn how to prevent the same thing happening again - but at the end of the day the dead are still dead, the bereaved are bereaved, the plane is destroyed, and the world keeps spinning.  I love my wife and children, and they love me, but I feel disconnected, unable to really enjoy them even as I look after them (and they me).

I looked up "The Body Keeps Score", maybe EMDR will help, I'll look into that.

In your work so far, do you think you have grieved the loss of absence of the mother you wanted, the life you could have had? That is very difficult emotional work, but it does move per or past much of the hurt and trauma.

You are not alone in feeling extremely frustrated in being unable to focus and get things done. I was a lost soul for most of my life. I found out that I had terrible dissociation steming from being left in the crib most of the time when I was an infant. EMDR and doing all kinds of body work have helped me to get grounded and be present. I hear a lot of despair in your post. It is terribly uncomfortable to feel so lost, and there is hope if you get the right kind of help. I think you will find "The Body Keeps the Score" very helpful in deciding how to find some relief from your discomfort. I am glad you are interested in EMDR. Just keep reminding yourself there is hope. There are many people on this board who were once suffering like you are, and are now feeling good most of the time, with some intermittant though a lot the time not overwhelming anger about having to deal with an emotionally unavailable mother with BPD.

Hi Sterraris,

I would like a pony too. Actually, I would like a magical unicorn.
I feel very much like you do. On an intellectual level, I understand the dynamics of BPD and the effect is has on others, namely me. Dare I say me, as I have been conditioned to think of her first and foremost. I am just weary, she is elderly and I am no spring chicken. I just want to be able to live a more spontaneous life, one where I am not thinking about her rage, her silent treatment, her occasional apology, I just want the toxicity to stop. 

stellaris,

The plane crash investigation analogy resonated with me to the nth degree.  No connection in our lives is more primary than that of the family. Therefore it makes sense that having had a markedly dysfunctional one would feel devastating. 

The usual advice for these feelings of profound loss is "radical acceptance,"  a concept/attitude that I find quite challenging to get my arms around.  I think it's hard to grieve a person and the myriad losses they entail while that person is still alive.  That said, I don't see an alternative - at least for me - to continually coming back to the goal of detaching from the wreckage and attendant rumination to the best of one's ability.  Is there anthing that provides you some relief or respite - even temporarily? 

@GaGrl, @missingNC - I went through the grieving process a decade or more ago, when I realized she was incapable of change - and then went through it again when I suddenly understood that my father was not the "safe" parent but an emasculated enabler who not only didn't protect me, but carried out abuse on her behalf.  This was important, but it came at the cost of abandoning my childhood, and it seems - like Citizen Kane - that no matter what I do, what I accomplish, what I want most are those moments when I felt safe in my world, and there have been none of those, not one, since I was twelve, and none with my family since I was nine.  And the thing is - I have now built my own family, with my truly angelic wife, and yet I still don't feel safe.

@zachira - I've been trying a sort of EMDR/meditation thing - one of my current issues is that I wake up in the middle of the night can't sleep, and just want to die.  I'm not in any way suicidal I have to emphasize - zero risk - I just visualize violent death as a route to peace and sleep.   I read up on the theory behind EMDR, and the last couple of nights have substituted visualizing a clock ticking, and following the hand around with my eyes as it goes.  This really seems to help.  Slept last night better than I have in a while. (And yes, I know this isn't EMDR proper, but I'm going to try that too).  And yeah, lost soul seems appropriate.  I have a lot of trouble coping with the day-to-day.

@madeline7 - One thing that has helped is just going NC for a long, long time.  It's hard, it tears a hole in my soul, but it did allow me to get to a place where I wasn't prioritizing her (and frankly, the whole damn world) above myself.  It allowed me to break the cycle, but it did require burning my whole life down and starting again from zero.  Totally.  Worth.  It.

And @everyone - thanks for taking the time to reach out.  It has really helped, and today is a better day.

C