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Title: H vindictively advanced several episodes ahead - help me model a response Post by: JaneWrites on August 16, 2020, 09:47:39 AM While this is a minor dumb situation, I would like to model an appropriate response. My D12 and I sometimes shows together. We found another one we liked, watched 3 episodes while my uBPDh was watching HIS shows (Submarines, Plane Crashes, War and Travel are his genres and he enjoys the self-isolation while watching). We told H and my S10 about this particular show and that they might enjoy it and should catch up. Not only did H decide he liked it, but my D reported he was watching several episodes without me and said he was mad that sometimes we watch shows without him. So clearly he was punishing me.
Hey - whatever - it's a show. But for him, it's a statement that could escalate. I haven't let on that I know yet. I'm trying to figure out what my attitude should be when I "discover" this when we sit down together in front of the TV next. Should I acknowledge the slight? Should I shift to "Oh you watched ahead? It IS an addicting show! I'm going to catch up in the other room." Title: Re: H vindictively advanced several episodes ahead - help me model a response Post by: Baglady on August 16, 2020, 02:16:41 PM Hi Jane :hi:
Again, I can relate. The fear of abandonment shows up even over as something as trivial as a T.V. show :(. My ex felt so threatened when my son and I would do something as simple as watch a show together without him - even though when he joined in (some of the time but not all of the time) - he was often miserable company because it wasn't about him (he also has strong NPD traits). The old damned if you do, damned if you don't dance :(. Guess you'll have to choose your battles on this one but at least understanding the illogic behind it may help. One of the oft-repeated things that my ex threw at me during his weeks long rage fest/mental breakdown during his final discard of me was that I loved my son more than him! According to him, I should have shown my love to him by abandoning our son (yes our own shared biological child) for him! Pfft - so glad I don't have to deal with his illogical crap anymore! Warmly, B Title: Re: H vindictively advanced several episodes ahead - help me model a response Post by: pursuingJoy on August 19, 2020, 07:46:53 PM Should I acknowledge the slight? Should I shift to "Oh you watched ahead? It IS an addicting show! I'm going to catch up in the other room." You nailed a great response here! I really like it. Can you say this and feel ok with it? The reason I ask is I've been guilty of offering a response that will deescalate, but inside, I'm angry because I feel that an important value has been violated, or a line crossed. I've had to learn to stay true to my values. It's been a few days. What did you decide? Title: Re: H vindictively advanced several episodes ahead - help me model a response Post by: JaneWrites on August 20, 2020, 01:09:02 AM It was a little anticlimactic, tbh. I pulled up the show on my laptop as I decided to do a sewing project Sunday. He came through and said, "Oh, are you catching up?" I just said yes I was. I could tell he was acknowledging that I knew what he did.
Title: Re: H vindictively advanced several episodes ahead - help me model a response Post by: pursuingJoy on August 20, 2020, 07:32:48 AM I kind of like that outcome even better. If he didn't get a reaction, maybe he won't try the tactic again?
The other day my H laughed at me, unkindly. I teared up and shared that it hurt my feelings. He finally apologized and we got it sorted out, but in the days that followed, I noticed he laughed at me time and again. I caught on and just ignored it, and he's quit. Not sure why, unless they're trying to prove their fears of abandonment? |