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I have several female friends that she despises, even though they have never really done anything to her. In her mind, these friends secretly long for me and in her mind they have done many disrespectful things to her. Her negative emotions are just so strong when it comes to anything to do with these friends. What causes me so much anxiety and grief is how much she hates these friends. It's like I don't even want to mention their names and I get anxiety anytime these friends come up in conversation or when her and I encounter these friends when her and I are out and about. I love her, but it's hard to understand her hatred toward these friends. Her negative feelings about these friends are just so out of proportion with what the situation is. This is just one area where I have anxiety and pain. I also have anxiety any time I assert myself or express my needs with her. Can anyone relate to this post?

Yes, I can relate. My uBPDh doesn't like me to interact with other people. Part of it is jealousy - maybe a big part - because he doesn't have just "normal" interactions with people without overthinking every little aspect. He is especially weird about men I interact with. He's accused me of improper behavior with male friends and just acquaintances. I've had to coordinate with a lot of dads out there on kid coordination stuff and he sees that as a threat. He's also accused me of keeping him out of interactions with other people. I've tried to explain that adding him to texts when he actually doesn't do any of that coordination anyway would be a little awkward and no one else does that. Well, reason doesn't work!

So yes, I can relate.

So nice to hear from someone who can relate to what I'm dealing with. Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, it all stems from her tremendous insecurity and feelings of inadequacy, which results in her tremendous fear/jealousy in connection with these other woman friends. I can relate to the texting thing you are referring to. It's like you have to bring the BPD into everything, otherwise he/she will think you are up to something and be hurt, jealous and upset. l feel I have to be totally transparent with my communications with these other woman so that she can see exactly what transpires and thus be able to feel comfortable. It's all very stressful to me.

YES!
I hear you  :)

My relationships with other people, are a HUGE trigger for my bpdH.
Every single man I have had a friendship with, he considers to be a threat, or I'm cheating on him. It is even becoming a threat to have female friendships too. Its as thought everyone I speak to has the ability so steal me away from him.
I cannot mention the men to him, as they are a huge trigger, so because of him making me feel like that, and it then being me causing an argument, I stay quiet. This make some cross and sad. I shouldn't have to feel like this and neither should you.
we should be allowed a life without fear or worry x

Thank you Diddle. Yes my experience is very similar to what you've described about your husband.

And yes I experience extreme fear and anxiety in connection with her fear and jealousy surrounding these female friends.

Oh yes. My GF absolutely hates that I have female friends. She's been piling on rules over time... some examples:

• I'm not to enter a woman's apartment or house, even with a group.
• I'm not to chat with or meet female friends unless "strictly necessary", and there should be at least a third person present.
• I must never mention a relationship problem or talk about my GF to a female friend.
• I'm not allowed to travel or stay somewhere overnight with a mixed group of friends, unless she's there to monitor that women don't get too friendly with me. The catch is... she won't go, because she's not interested in the kind of trip my friends do. She says after we get married she'll definitely join, because as a married couple it would be expected for her to go with me (?), but this doesn't apply while we're just dating.
• I am to cut contact with my ex (we were friends), and delete / throw out all my personal photos that have an ex or a place where I went together with an ex. When she visited my country, she spent most of the trip upset because a picture with my ex in it came up while my mom was flipping through an old photo album.
• If we have kids, they're not allowed to meet my dad's wife, because she chose to stay Facebook friends with my ex. She's relaxed that rule a bit since - now my GF won't go to my dad's place or talk to his wife, but she says if we have kids I can introduce them.
• I can't bring my GF to any restaurant or place where I went on a date with someone before.

These are just the general rules. This year has been hell because of one specific friend. It's a long story...

In December, my GF had a look at the notes on my old computer while my back was turned, and saw a draft of a message I sent 3 years ago to a female friend, where I mentioned dating. I explained that we briefly tried dating, but then decided to stay just friends (which is true - never kissed, etc.) She went nuclear: she can't believe I would stay friends with her while I'm committed to my GF, this is cheating, I'm a liar, etc. I told her I'm not going to cut contact with my friend, I've known and trusted her for more than a decade, she even helped me get into university.

In January, I chatted with my friend, who told me she was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My GF asked if I was still chatting with her, and I said yes, a couple times per month, which triggered more fights. She started asking for my phone so she could check my message history. I pushed back. I knew it would just lead to more controlling behaviour, and I found it rude to my friend who confided a private medical problem.

In February, my GF started accusing me of bringing my phone to the bathroom to chat with my friend, or calling her in secret while I'm on business trips. Eventually in March she blew up, she demanded to see my chat history or she'd leave. And I mean BLEW UP. She hurled and destroyed a bowl full of food I cooked, spilled water around electronics, slapped me, said that I was disgusting, that she hated me, etc. I was trying to keep her out of the kitchen because I was afraid she'd break more stuff. She was trying to wrestle her way back in, hitting me, screaming, then threatening to leave (at 2AM, in the middle of a storm, during COVID lockout - we live together). I had never seen someone so enraged in my life, it was terrifying. I remember keeping my back to the knife drawer. I couldn't believe this was real and not a movie.

I let her have her way, unfortunately. She read my history, admitted my messages were fine, but said my friend was a dangerous, messed up person, because... she replied to a picture I sent of my new office with a sticker of a rabbit with heart eyes (and hearts = love), and she joked about her cancer surgery, saying "it went much better than I expected, the shape didn't change, you'll see next time I wear a swimsuit!" - which to my GF proves that 1) I must have seen my friend naked before and 2) she's trying to "steal" me. My GF made me send her a rude message telling her off for being so inappropriate, then made me promise to show her as soon as I get a reply.

I discretely called my friend the next day and explained the situation. Then I didn't talk to her for a couple months, I was worn out of fighting with my GF and didn't want to lie either. Eventually I got worried and pinged her, and learned that things had worsened and she was in the hospital for a couple days. I decided that a friend who might die is more important than my GF's jealousy and that I'd go meet her once she feels better.

The fighting, oh boy... it was hell, for weeks. My GF understood that I was going no matter what, but she wasn't about to go down without a fight. She argued about everything: what clothes I can wear, what topics I'm allowed to talk about, I can't take photos or touch my friend, can't offer her the meal. She made me rehearse a speech I had to say, in short: "my GF only allowed me to meet you because you have cancer and she has experienced cancer in her family, this will be the last time we meet." The little get-well-soon gift had to come from my GF and I was to mention that clearly.

Even just shaving triggered a fight, because I had shaved the previous day, and I rarely shave two days in a row, so she concluded I was trying to look sharp to impress my friend. She also kept me up very late, kicked me in my sleep, pinched my nose to wake me up, so I was very sleep deprived the day I went to meet my friend.

While I was seeing my friend (lunch + coffee), my GF messaged me a constant stream of abuse. Stuff like "how are you enjoying your date?", "don't forget to tell her why I allowed you to go", stuff like that. I went to the bathroom at some point and had 47 notifications, a lot of her deleting her own messages. She explicitly told me she was trying to hurt me as a revenge for hurting her. I'm not sure why she was deleting her messages just after I read them... Out of shame? To confuse me?

After I came back home I got the interrogation, of course. What did my friend talk about, how did she react to the gift, what intonation did she use, what was her face when I told her we would never meet again (I didn't). Then more fights over the following days.

My GF says she hates my friend, and that she deserves to suffer and die from her disease for what she did. She says things were perfect between us until she came in the picture. I guess the massive fights we were having about my ex or about marriage don't count!

Anyway, sorry for the long story. I'm glad I was honest with my GF about meeting my friend, because it means I saw this really nasty side of her before agreeing to get married. I can't stay in this relationship.

All this to say, yes, I can relate :)

Late Appointment - before I got to the very end, I was going to ask what you thought of how you had been treated now you had written it out and had chance to read it back.

I'm pleased you can see that it isn't right for you and I hope you're doing ok

Diddle

Hey lateappointment.

Thanks so much for sharing this story. It sounds SO much like what I have been dealing with. It reminded of the things I have been through and of the thought processes I have had to go through as a result of her insecurity around my female friends (friends I actually agreed to give up some time ago). I really appreciate what you wrote because it brings home the reality of what I have been dealing with with my GF for over 3.5 years.

Last weekend my girlfriend broke up with me because she didn't feel comfortable that I had started writing on this blog. I feel like I'm the one who broke it off because I didn't acquiesce and didn't beg her to stay with me. The truth is that I had been thinking of breaking it off with her for a while because I just couldn't live with giving up several good female friends which I agreed to do about 1.5 years ago. Giving up these friends just doesn't feel right for me anymore. Anyhow, I have been feeling guilty about not wanting to be with her anymore. Also feel guilty about something I said to her during that same phone call that she broke up with me, but have been hesitant to reach out to her because she is hurt and upset and doesn't want to talk to me. Her being upset with me because of me wanting to break up is something I have always worried about. So now that we've broken up and she's hurt and upset, I'm having a hard time with it.

Just want to thank you lateappointment because what you wrote reminds me so much of what I have gone through with my GF and it reminds me of the reality of my situation and reminds me of what I would have to continue to have to deal with if stayed with her.

Hey lateappointment I look forward to your and any other replies to this post.