BPDFamily.com

 :help: what am I dealing with..push/pull

I've been here before a few years ago when I was in the middle of an extramarital affair with someone I loved with all my heart. I had so many WTF moments with obssesional periods of contact and then slow withdrawals. I was always questioning what relationship it was. I won't go into my marriage that's another story.
During my affair I had so many family problems and a parental death. My AP was 'my saviour's, but throughout all of it all I could think about was him. He would blow my phone up constantly for weeks and having no support at home made me come to rely on if not long for his contact. Once it became physical he slowed contact down to exactly every 3 days. Then I discovered he was chasing someone else under my nose. It devastated me but his eventual half confession suggested it happened because it was my fault ( said I was a goddess and must he playing him). I was in so deep with him and by then felt I couldn't face losing him that I forgave him and carried on with it. ( I'm normally a very strong person who doesnt suffer fools) but him... it was like I was on drugs.
It went on with push/pull dynamics for 5 years with lots of confusing things going on and me always being obsessed there was someone else in the mix, mainly because of things he'd say and the occasional pull back. I was hurting badly, frustrated and darent ever question his motives or intentions in case he backed off again.
Eventually I ended it because his wife found out, I confessed to my husband but the pain was excruciating for me. I had a years therapy but to no avail. I couldn't get him out of my head. Alternating with thoughts that ''I know he loves me' and how could he be so obsessed with me but keep pulling away.
I researched everything, I was obsessed with researching everything and yet although I knew it was wrong and I felt crap most of the time, I spent my days longing to see him again but never reached out to him.
Then we bumped into each other a couple of times whilst shopping and had brief words.  Two years later he reached out by phone and asked could we talk as we'd both had unanswered questions...of course we could, my God of course we could.
And so it began again the obsessive texts and the first day he even used our own special code...as though wed never had a break. I thought it odd as we were just supposed to be talking and getting answers. He was non stop and then added me onto a gaming site that he knew I'd been on before and had joined since our split. Over time his texts dwindled and moved over to chat on that site. Every single day and night for two years with meetings once a week...but he always had excuses for it not becoming physical again.
Then five months ago he said his wife was fed up of him on games  and instantly he stopped being there with me at night. Then the daytime chats were once again moved down to every 3 to 4 days and I immediately went into panic of 'please dont do it to me again mode'..then came lockdown. He would msg me saying its driving him crazy not being able to see me, used lockdown for an excuse yet never asked to talk on the phone.
I was getting anxious, tapping into the game every night ( I sleep alone) but hes never there but has been online playing.
A month later he tells me his father passed away and hes feeling totally broken.
I cant describe the pain I felt for him and anxiety because i knew he'd have support at home ( despite proclaiming his marriage to be dead with no love) I felt sick.
After 3 weeks I contacted him to see how he was and he replied with his usual adoration and saying its driving him crazy not being able to see me but didnt seem to want to carry on a conversation.
I messaged once a week ( complete switch of contact initiation) to have his replies...all about his dark place, how hard it's been, misses me, desperate to see me...then ending with 'hope you're keeping well my love'
I've never known for sure but from my research i think definitely narcissism, maybe BPD.
This pattern has gone on now for 4 months...me messaging...him getting back to me with almost the same message after a few days. I've been deeply sympathetic then tried including my day a little then reading it back all the time.
But all hes initiated was two 'sweet dreams' messages five weeks ago.
This week hes back to his usual working schedule and also back playing the games...online when I am but still jot chatting to me.
I dont understand why he cant just be honest and tell me he isnt interested any more. He said yesterday that hes missing me so much and thinking of me all the time even with a mixed up head. I've said I'd love to talk to him to listen but hes jot replied.
I know reading this is going to draw judgement but I cant explain myself why I'm stuck in this not wanting to leave but also wanting the confusion to end.
Any insights or advice would be great as there no one I can talk to.