BPDFamily.com

Hello, glad to have found this site.

My 1.5 year long relationship has consistently and reliably been an emotional rollercoaster. I have hidden the relationship drama out of pure embarrassment because of the ridiculous and outrageous reoccurring  circumstances. I felt trapped inside of my own house and literally couldn't leave or get her to leave even if I wanted to. I tried to break up with her countless times, but she'd show up at my house at 4am, throwing tennis balls at my window until I came out. She would threaten suicide, text her sister/mom and then ignore their phone calls so they would have to come over and check on her. I even told her family that I needed their help getting her out of my house but she refused to leave. I didn't even feel safe in my own house.

I finally demanded counseling as a last resort, desperate for help... Almost begging someone to help me get out. We had one couples session where she rambled for 30 minutes straight about everything that I do wrong, and how I never take accountability for my part in arguments. At that point, I was so beaten down, overwhelmed and just plain hopeless that I shut down and essentially let her put on a show. The counselor recognized this but at that point could only rely what was told to him and I came out looking like a cold, hardened person, unable to share my feelings.

I am so grateful to have sought out individual therapy where I became aware of her potential BPD. My therapist instantly made everything make sense. For once I felt comforted that I wasn't crazy, it wasn't all of my fault, and that I wasn't so socially inept that I couldn't identify WHY she was mad or what I did that made her so angry. I literally had no idea most of the time, and my confusion (and facial expressions of being confused) enraged her even more. I was afraid to say anything, in fear of not saying it correctly or that my tone would be misinterpreted.

I'm still in the middle of trying to end the relationship. I got her to stay with her mom but she refuses to come get her things out. I think she uses it as manipulation and I still fear not being able to get out. I know you're not supposed to tell someone that you think they may have BPD, but what else can I do? I expressed concern about the behaviors and purposefully worded it in ways that reflected the big, basic symptoms in hopes of her self discovering it- but now she thinks she has PMDD, depression and anxiety. Even started on anti-depressant paired with anxiety management and birth control. But it's so much beyond that.

I don't want to expose her privacy but I truly need help. Is it ok to ask her sister for confidentiality and let her know that I think she has BPD? I need more help from others, otherwise I truly think she could harm herself or continually emotionally abuse me and never get the proper treatment that she needs.

Not sure what I need to hear. Maybe just best advice given the situation or support.

Thanks all.

Welcome,

sorry you are going through this.

You have come to the right place.

It sounds like things are in a crisis mode.
Good that you are getting individual counseling...there is a lot to learn here, look around this website, when you can.

I do know that when things are going badly in my life, I do need to take my own space, bring comfort, peace, relaxation to my world.  Bring self care, it's hard during a pandemic.  Just anything where I can get a reprieve from the constant turmoil.

at some point in my journey, I am able to see I didn't cause the illness, I can't cure it, and I can't control it.  The more I can get this perspective, the more I gain calmness and strength.
Share more about what works, and what else is going on.

You are in the right place. 

Sincerely

juju