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My stepkids are now 20 and 16. I was a big part of raising them, and they now recognize me as one of three parents. Their mom abandoned them four years ago and moved to another state. They were immensely relieved and also feel guilty. I think stepparents are very important when there is a BPD bioparent.

Their dad and were together nearly 10 years, and now are divorced. He and I get along, and I still coparent with him, while mom is mostly out of the picture. For awhile I had EOW with the kids plus two weekday evenings; I also have staid with them a most of a couple of months a year while dad is out of town.


In California, for them to be adopted by me, they must renounce their other parents...unless a stepparent adopts during marriage. Then you gain parental rights. I did not do this, and now I regret it.

The girls consider me mom, I pay for stuff and spend a lot of time with them, but I can’t fill out medical forms or sign permission slips.  I was the one who did a lot of that all during their childhoods, as the other parents were not terribly organized. They still look to me for help.  SD20 called yesterday to ask that I help her fill out her health insurance info; I took her to vote when she turned 18, taught her how to file taxes, etc. Obviously, after 18 SD20 can ask anyone she wants for help, so that is not my issue.  But SD16 has not had a doctors visit since my divorce from dad, does not have health insurance, and I was her main support during distance learning last year but could not access records!

My former husband is totally supportive of my parenting efforts, and I ask his permission before doing anything. But he has a really hard time getting around to paperwork.

So, I wish I had a adopted Them when I could have; if you have that kind of step parent relationship with your children of a BPD parent, I highly recommend adoption. 

Hello.  Thank you for the advice.  I was not aware a step-parent can "adopt" step-children.  What is the process in CA to do that?  Thank you.  jdc

It is important in reverse also. My grandfather remarried after my grandmother's death. My step-grandmother, at age 18, became late-night to a 4-year-old. She never had biological childrrn. She never legally adopted my mother.

In her final illness, she was in hospital with my mother unable to speak for her wishes and needs. No one in her family was willing to do so (she was uBPD/NP D and had abused everyone). My mother, sister, and I would have done so, but we had no legal standing at all.

My recollection is that a step-parent can't adopt children unless their other parent relinquishes parental rights (or it is removed from the other parent by a court).  If the other parent is unknown or long gone may be up to a court to rule.