BPDFamily.com

Hello Friends,

We need your help. Our elder daughter had always been a problem since her high school days - since junior year her grades started falling, did all kinds of activities school kept asking us to intervene - we did and thought over time things will get sorted out. Went to college of her choice (al though limited because of of her low grades in school and other), and started activities that was beyond our control - we were still okay because we thought not all kids are same and she will grow, get matured - but the pattern started going worse, declined some job offers and went for study abroad - again we thought she will see the world and take responsibility of her own. But it did not, she became very irritating at everything from time to time - will not take up a steady job - do odd jobs and get into a fight and will eventually leave.

All these time, she was staying with us and mostly stay in her room - there were times when she is normal and then at other times she is so rebellious. Will never eat with us or talk with us. One day she said she is going to stay with some friend for a few days and we learned that she left home to go to London - we were shocked - but slowly getting used to and she will communicate once in a while. Six months past, and she moved to Paris and then eventually had no choice but to come back to US. After a few weeks her behavioral patterns were just the same - we did not when she is coming home or going out - sometimes I smell smoke or alcohol from her room. Last year, when I had to go out of the country with my wife and she said she will take care - came back to know that she totaled the car she was allowed to drive. She was fine though and we thought it is okay to forgive. Another time, last october, we went out last year to India and within few days she again left for London. Another shock - we had no idea that she will go again. Since then we got almost zero communication. But she sent some photos from time to time that she is fine - last couple of months, her friends started saying she has mental/behavioral issues and she is staying with people with criminal records etc.

First week of August, she placed sort of a distress call to her mom and we arranged her to stay in a motel for a week and bought a ticket to come back to US. Again for the past two weeks she is staying with us and we thought she is getting better. She was agreeing to see dentist, optometrist and doctor before she looses health insurance from my work because she is going to tuen into 26 this october. She was cooking some new food for herself and shares with us. Well, too soon - since yesterday, she has started threatening that she feels she is not being respected by any of us and demands that we have to pay her - needs credit card to be paid by us, needs a separate place to live and get paid by us, wants all the tickets and pending bills that she borrowed last year (whih we did not know) to be paid by us and cash etc. etc.

We are still keeping quiet to see if the pattern changes over a day or so, but we had seen that she takes some decision that ends up problematic for her. I was thinking of calling 911 yesterday when her mom felt unconscious while talking to her - I asked her to help lift my wife but she just wen to her room. We feel that she needs to be seen by doctors but the fact is she will never agree to see anyone. She was cognitive science student and she thinks she is in total control. She thinks that her failures are because of us - but will never say what are those.

How do we get her see professional help? She seems normal but emotionally threatening us and we can never live our life as normal.

Please please...

Mousa

Hi! You are certainly in the right place.  When you have a chance, click onto my name ( or anyone's name here) to get previous posts/ more of a back story .  I also had/have a therapy resistant adult son living with me.  He did state to me that in order for him to move out , he wanted me and the family to give him $50,000, so he could live comfortably (!) .  We understand the extortion -like demands for $$ .

Here is a link from this forum https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy
It may help you.  However I can't stress enough that getting an adult into therapy is a goal, not an automatic given, as the link states. 

This is a longgg marathon , not a sprint.  Patience, trial and error are the key.  You can get your life back, ( and are obligated to) but you will have to stay strong.  You do have control over you / what goes on in your household.  There is a section here on boundaries  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries.
In my particular case, I actually had my own therapist to help me with boundaries for my adult son.  They will have to be enforceable by you ( that is the tricky part). 

So long story short, the best we can do , with the laws that are in place, is to realize while we can encourage, we can't force an adult to do what they don't want. Our power lies in  protecting ourselves, our assets.  Remember, for something to change, something has to change and we parents are the ones that have to initiate since our BPD kids won't be able to. Also, get some supports in place for yourself, writing here is one, maybe therapy , I would also suggest 12 step programs for family members ( free, and they help with keeping the focus on us ) , exercise.  It is very easy to get swooped up in the BPD vortex otherwise. 

Please write back as you are able . We are here for you. 

First of all, thank you so much Swimmy55 - I watched the video from Dr Xavier Amador and yes, there are many of the symptoms or examples mentioned matches our situation. But what should I do next? She is becoming so furious at home - verbal abuse on us (blame on every angle) and demands of money is unthinkable - I wish there is a hospitalization process that I can adopt to - but she is very smart and thankfully will not hurt us physically (so far). Looking at her anger and verbal abuse, we are just thinking she can attack us anytime. I tried to call some local therapist office - but I think they are all busy and will not attend to our calls (or calls us back) anytime soon.

Hi,
 A couple of ideas come to mind that could be possibilities
1. I don't know if you live in the US, but many states/ counties have a mental health crisis unit that can come out to the house and calm a situation.   Now the trick is to get your adult daughter to agree to talk to them.  Various things I have tried is to call the crisis team and have them speak to my son on phone.   I have also tricked my son into having the crisis team come out - couching it that if he had a problem with me / the government/ the whatever, the crisis team can come out and talk with him about it.    The crisis team can also send you a list of therapists that have sliding scale payments according to what you can afford. They came out in group of 2 or a policeman if necessary .  If it's just the team, the car is unmarked so no need to be embarrassed.
2. Again, if you live in the US , you can go to psychologytoday.com and they recommend therapists according to specialty/ area. 
3. Keep in mind unfortunately there is no " one trick" that makes this hell go away and makes our BPD kid better.. The crisis team/ someone new talking to her could calm that particular situation for that particular time and it can be a start. 
4. There is also a degree of not responding on our part .  This is hard.  Before my son got too dysregulated, I could get myself into a "time out".  Where if he starts yelling and cursing, it is understood that nothing more is said and I go into another room( this plan was announced to the son when he was calm and remorseful/ receptive).  This may or may not work, but worth a try to discuss with her and see. 
5. Hospitalization is tricky.  They can talk themselves  out of anything  to docs/ police .   However, if you ever feel she is completely out of control  and too dysregulated to the point of hurting herself, by all means call 911 and state it to the dispatch it is a mental health crisis, not a crime crisis. 

Yes, we are in the US. I saw a few tips from phsycologytoday.com - one thing we are learning is to not confront her for any of the rude comments she make. We are trying to restrain ourselves from any discussions that can lead (although we have very little conversations) to eruptions. But it is so unpredictable - like she went to a dentist office and they asked who will pay for the services - "is that going to be paid by you mom and dad?" - that was it - came back home and erupted into emotions that these people are rude and have no sense on how to talk. This morning I took her to her PCP for annual physical check - she dragged me to the receptionist to ensure that I am there to tell that all of those dues will be paid - anyway, I went and assured the staff to not worry about payment - on the way back she started saying that she likes to business and I should talk to my company CEO that she writes a check for that purpose. She is asking, for her business idea, I should write to my company executives and they are legally obligated to pay for her business to start - I have a deadline of today. Otherwise, I and her mom should leave the country and go back to our native place (that we left 30 years back), because we do not deserve this country and this country does not need us. Now, I do not know where these all come from or how can I get her treated. So, clueless - day after day, week after week, it is a living hell. Call my insurance helpline - they provided some local psychiatrists to be seen - but alas! no one calls us back - everyone is so busy.

 :hi: Hello / ^!سلام

-My first thought reading your story is that it might not just be Borderline Personality Disorder at play in your daughter's case; I'm not an expert, but some parts sound like they might be either Bipolar or drug-induced psychosis (perhaps alongside BPD) - you would know better than I, but it might be worth considering if ⅓ of her issues are BPD, ⅓ are Bipolar or drug-induced and ⅓ are just "normal dysfunctional youth".

-Tobacco smoking and alcohol are not likely to cause permanent mental health damage (beyond physiological brain damage) on their own assuming the alcohol is not to an extreme; but it's always possible that she's also experimented with the harder drugs, which do not take a long time to get an unlucky batch that can cause psychiatric problems. (And BPD persons often struggle with such addictions)

-If you are financially able, it might be worth sitting down with her to "compromise" - after all you "want" to pay none of her bills, but she might be appreciative and calm her anger if you agree that "some" of them look like they were not her fault, or say your own father paid a similar bill for you, etc. If she has siblings, you could flatter her by saying "I would not pay this sort of a bill for Asad, but for you - just promise you will not tell Asad I paid it". The risk is that if she thinks she's manipulating you, she may never stop.

-Do not worry about defending yourself when she suggests you failed in her childhood; that is egoism speaking, and arrogance borders on shirk - the truth is, we have all failed...and none of us were perfect in even one task we attempted in our life. So she might relax and be more open to the idea of speaking to a therapist, or agreeing to curb her drinking, or not involving other relatives in her "drama" if she admires that you have admitted what is obviously truth - that you and her mother are not perfect, and you made mistakes with all of your children but you also did many things right, and you wish you could go back in time and be better - but that is not how life works.

-Ask her forgiveness the same as you would ask it of any brother or sister, not for a specific event or failing she lists, but just "for any time we were unjust to you". I did this with my own pwBPD about once a year when she was calm - the truth is that most people would say I was never unjust to her, but on a cosmic scale of course there were times that I pretended to be asleep when I was not, there were times I ate a piece of food I knew she would prefer, or I gave her the silent treatment when I was upset with her...there are always "small" wrongs. And if you just say "for any time we were unjust", she can picture what she wants, you can picture what you want; you can also forgive her for anything she did prior to a certain time - but then khalas, it is finished and if she says it again in a month that her mother was bad, you can chide her and remind her that she has forgiven that and it is now dust.

-If you determine it is certainly BPD, then consider https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/ or similar support groups for the loved ones and caretakers of those with BPD. I have completed it myself, and it was much more valuable than simply posting on internet forums.

-She may feel a stigma associated with seeing a doctor to ask about anxiolytic medication (if that is necessary); BPDs typically have a VERY high sense of "shame" that they are hiding, they are terrified of people "knowing" that they are sick/weak/bad...so if you or your wife take any medication, perhaps share that detail with her so she feels better knowing that you won't think "she is crazy, she needs to be on her meds!" because YOU have also been on anti-depressants before, or her mother takes something to clear the mental fog associated with migraines, or whatever.

-I would largely agree with Swimmy55, except I would caution AGAINST calling 911 unless absolutely, absolutely necessary; the first responders with whom I have dealt are unfamiliar with Borderline Personality or even confuse it with Bipolar (although in your case, if she's comorbid with bipolar then that might be less of an issue); and you cannot decide whether the 911 dispatcher sends only paramedics or also sends police...and that can be a recipe for disaster. The last thing you want is for your loved one with BPD to think you just called the cops to come lock them away or something. Obviously "yes, if necessary, call 911" - but I think I might be of the opinion it is necessary less often than others do.