BPDFamily.com

I’m tired.  My adult daughter has BPD and I’m never sure what to say or do.  I have a mental list of things I am not allowed to talk to her about or say to her because they hurt her feelings, I’m not to make suggestions or have opinions about anything.  If I say something wrong or say something the wrong way, I hear about it and am told that I’m hurting her feelings.  I’ve come to realize I’m not suppose to have any sort of feelings.  Today I was told I never listen to her because I didn’t look at her when she was talking (even though if I do look at her that’s not right either). I’m tired.  I’m sad and I don’t know what to do

Gosh you have just described my interactions with my DD. I get half way through a sentence and whoosh - she flies off at me - it's all my fault she is like the way she is etc etc.

And yes it is so tiring!

So I go about my business without communicating unless she talks to me, then my responses are very short and I also have a list - I never give an opinion or suggestion other than a something that is general and, as I say, short.

So of course at times this becomes a trigger for another abusive outburst, but then I say 'If I say something now, it will only make things worse.'

Surprisingly this method has resulted in a much calmer environment. I am not setting off triggers for her emotional distress. I have found that the only good time to talk is if we are on a long drive together (motion calms her) and if she initiates it.

The other thing that I think is the reason it works is that I actively engage my mind with something else ie I'm not thinking about not engaging with her. Somehow DD is sensitive just to whether or not I am thinking about her and this aggravates her.

Most of the time I feel that I have let go. I cannot influence her choices etc. I am just walking beside her and occasionally - very, very occasionally I must say - she does seem to appreciate that I am there. That is, until the next moment when I am the most dreadful person in the universe.