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I'm trying to process some things that went wrong in my recent relationship with my exBPD.  I wasn't very self reflective during the relationship.  We both drank too much most of the time when we were together and so my clarity on certain situations was blurry and my reactions weren't super helpful at the time.

My ex was sexually abused when she was around 9 years old by 3 different people (2 of which were close family members).  She didn't really talk about it much with me, and I don't have any experience (should have done more research back then, but I didn't know she still had such trauma - it's been over 40 years).  I just didn't understand.  In looking back, I remember some things that happened, which are clearly tied to her abusive past and I wonder if it will ever get better or if I could have done something differently to help?  I'm just trying to learn.

Several of her episodes were triggered right as we were about to be intimate.  She would remember something that would trigger her into a tailspin.  It was usually tied to jealousy - I had done something wrong.  The first time it happened, we were just getting into bed and our evening had been fine, but then all of a sudden when I went to get close she got angry and got out of bed and starting ranting about how I had been flirting with someone inappropriately at a party the weekend before and didn't love her.  Was so out of the blue for me.

Then in December of last year, we had an incident where she thought one of her friend's was flirting with me at a party and I didn't handle it appropriately (should have told my ex immediately and we should have left).  She wouldn't let that go.  A month later we were getting along and going for a romantic weekend at the coast and she was so excited.  However, the first night, we'd both been drinking and we went to get in bed and all of a sudden, she pulled back again and got angry.  She went into another room and started texting me that I just wanted her for sex and that was all I thought of her.  I was so confused.  I tried to explain that of course that isn't all I wanted from her.  I thought she was being dramatic.  I didn't realize the pain she was actually in at the time.

Is this normal behavior for people who have experienced sexual trauma?  Do they always/often associate sex with the trauma and have a hard time separating or understanding that someone could actually want to be close and intimate with them and not be using them?   Could I have made it better by being more understanding and sympathetic?

Nala,

I'll take a stab at this and will share some things with you from my last relationship. You probably remember some of my comments about my ex-g/f on one of your other threads. She was sexually abused by a family member of her father's from the age of 6-8. Her family was aware of the abuse, and she never got any professional help for the abuse as a child or as an adult. She did receive some professional counseling in 2019 for 3-4 months, but she admitted to me that she didn't address the abuse with her counselor. According to her, she only touched on her difficult home life as a child, what went wrong in the marriage with her ex-husband, and some of the emotional issues that her children suffer from.

Even though the sexual abuse occurred nearly 30 years ago, it haunts her fairly regularly to a point where I'd say it keeps her from living a fulfilling life. I asked her why she didn't address it when she was seeing the counselor last year, and she said it was too painful to talk about and also that she thought she'd feel better addressing it with a female counselor. I encouraged her to find a female counselor and even recommended a few. The last year of our relationship, she told me several times how her past was haunting her and that she needed to return to see a therapist. I can also recall at least 2-3 occasions where she stated on social media that she needed professional help. One such occasion occurred roughly two weeks before our breakup. Of course at our breakup she asked why I wouldn't propose to her, and I said it was her refusal to deal with her issues and work on getting healthy for herself and for her children. It was at that time she told me "There is nothing wrong with me. Counselors don't work for me. This is just the way I am, and I am fine."

In various conversations with me, my ex-g/f admitted to using sex, alcohol, and food as coping mechanisms. She was a heavy drinker for a couple of years in her early 20's and told me that she drank because it helped her temporarily forget all of the pain from her childhood. One of the downfalls to drinking, she said, was that she made horrible decisions when she was drunk. One of those days she got pregnant by accident when she was in a 2 month long relationship with a former classmate. They were already broken up by the time she found out she was pregnant. The father of the child has never had anything to do with her daughter who is almost 13. That child has really suffered because of that, and also suffers every day because of her mother's issues that she refuses to get help for.

At various times during our relationship, she said that in the past she used sex as "a means of comfort in times of pain" with past partners, her ex-husband, and the rebound guy that she was with before me and after me. Like alcohol, I guess the sex made her feel better temporarily. She admitted to me that every time we were intimate together, it was because she wanted to make love to me to show me how much she loved me and that it was never to feel temporary comfort. Then she said that she "never wanted our relationship to be like the others" that she had been in where she used people for sex to feel better.

She told me that out of all the men that she was intimate with in her life, I was the only man that never asked her to do things that made her feel uncomfortable and that she felt respected, beautiful, and truly loved when she was with me. Several times she told me that's one of the things that she loved most about me. It still hurts me somewhat to know that you can still be discarded even after loving and respecting someone. I guess the old saying is true about sometimes love just isn't enough. It's just the order of the disorder (BPD). Now she is back to doing the same things more than likely with same guy she was with before me.  I guess this is who she really is even though she says it's not who she wants to be.

As you can see with her, there were times where she was reasonable and was conscience about her issues. For the last 5 months or so, she appears to be mostly in a bad place. It probably didn't help matters that she quit taking all of her prescription meds including her anti-depressants at the end of January saying that she "didn't need them" and "felt better without them." I noticed a rapid decline in her mental health after she discontinued her meds, and I pleaded with her to see her doctor and get back on them at the time of our breakup. I have no idea if she ever got back on them or not, as I have not spoken to her in 4 months or so.

Do you know if your ex ever received any treatment for her sexual abuse? It is so debilitating. In addition to my ex-g/f, this family member of her father's also abused 4 other children in her family. Two of them are living productive lives with families, and the other two have had serious issues. One is in jail, and the other one has constant issues and was diagnosed with BPD a little over two years ago.