BPDFamily.com

My uBPD H found out last month what a cruel, sadistic loser his father is.  FIL is in his mid 80s, uNPD or uBPD, and his wife of 60 years died a few years ago.  H found out F blew through all of the life insurance money and was racking up credit cards on gambling debts.  Now his F can't pay for his own medical bills.  This FIL forced his W to be a work horse for him, working two jobs, while he worked at low skillled jobs, as long as he could hunt, fish and play golf.

A few months ago, H got very angry with me and then butted him belly into me (like a toddler picking a fight) and then told me he would hit me but he would lose his guns and rifles.  Imagine that!  The MOSAIC inventory talks about a potential abuser having access to firearms.

I laughed at him, asking if he knew how he sounded.  He sounded just like a tyrant out of a movie drama threatening his wife!  How petty and stupid he sounded.  He also made divorce threats.  I replied that he should file for divorce if he wanted to, but I would let the judges, the lawyers and the mediators know about how he treated his children better than his W, and how he routinely called his W b#tch and c*nt on a regular basis.  Nothing can stop me from doing that.  It would humiliate him.  He'd look like and idiot.   Nothing would change the laws or division of assets, but I would make him look like a cruel sob.

Now with the realisation that his a$$hole father is the root of his problems, H is boasting at what a great job he is doing in how he treats me. He seems to ignore just a few months ago that he mentioned threatening physical violence to me. And he wants all forgiven.  Not.

I have to feel H was turned a new leaf.  A few month is not enough for me.  I mentioned that he is on "prob ation."

Evidently H took this and is angry about it.  He wrote on the hall way calendar "probation," and then sent me an e-mail "invite" for the probation ending in six months.  How juvenile can you be.

I am choosing to ignore both.  These bratty things don't deserve any dignity.  No matter, in a few week's time, he will be visiting with his uNPD D and his grandchildren.  He'll be in heaven.  This D, in her 30s, to my H, is the ideal woman:  kind, generous, funny, intelligent and gorgeous beyond words.  (OK.  She's about 100 pounds over weight.  Enough said.)  H ignores just how this woman mistreats her own H, humiliating him and verbally abusing him.   She has two small children and does not work outside the home, and yet is demanding a housekeeper for their small home.  H has also forgotten how she bullied a co worker so much that the worker had to transfer to another company branch 20 miles away.  And she also bullied classmates in high school.  And I need to add she was arrested for petty theft while still a minor.  What a perfect woman!

H went into work today, so I don't know if he is still pouting over our discussion yesterday.  That invite must have been sent "in the moment" as BPDs do, and that he hated me in the time it was sent.  

Another day in the life of living with a uBPD H.

Can you see how you triggered him with the word "probation"?

Cat familiar,

Is using the word probation breaking one of the Four Agreements to be "Impeccable with words"? What wording would have been more helpful? Today I called my uBPDh manipulative and realized that just escalated things.

Thanks for the clarification about words.

I'm curious to understand your decision to engage some things he says and ignore others.  What is with about your values that you are trying to communicate?

Best,

FF

Using the word “probation” is invalidating to a person with BPD, and thereby almost a guarantee of triggering a fight or a dysregulation.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Similar to “probation,” “manipulative” also signals that we are making a negative judgment about them.

As far as the Four Agreements, we may have said these words in absolute truthfulness. And perhaps if we had partners who were emotionally well adjusted, they could hear our intent without taking offense.

In the case of someone with BPD, using judgmental language will be responded to in a very unhelpful way.