BPDFamily.com

I got back with my ex last month, we've been in this on and off thing since we started to talk again this year. But after a week or so that we were together she had a crisis or something and broke up with me. Again. She didn't want to lose me though, said she really liked me, the person who I am, so she wanted to keep friendship. I didn't. So I told her it was best not only for me but for both of us if we didn't try to stay friends or keep in touch with each other anymore. She agreed and we went no contact "for good"...

But after a week away she messaged me again in the middle of the night. She said she missed me badly. I missed her badly too. I let ourselves "sit down" and talk once again. She didn't want to leave, was feeling bad about it and didn't even know what happened to her the other day, breaking up wasn't her intention, although she recognizes she's not mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship with anybody at the moment. But she assures me she loves me and always tells me not to forget it, like ever, she thinks about me even when she's away. That's what she keeps telling me. I don't even know what we are anymore, we're not officially dating but we're far from being just friends.

Now, there's a cycle that's been repeating itself for a couple months now. She contacts me, we spend a few days talking good and loving each other, but suddenly she starts ignoring me and dissapears for days and even weeks if I let her. The cycle goes on.

Alright. I understand that she gets easily triggered being around me, specifically at the present moment with us being away from each other because of all this sh*t happening worldwide. We talked about it. But how much is too much? I mean, when her disappearing act is not ok anymore? Basically when I no longer feel ok with it anymore, right?

But what can I do then? Should I address this matter to her or just let it go? I know communication is the best way in most cases, but now I just don't know what to do. The only thing I know is that I can't help myself but feel like I'm being played.

It's usually wise to pay attention to you intuition about peoples intentions.

I mean...try to explain it.  She loves you enough to keep coming back,  but not enough to...(fill in the blank).

Right? 

Trust your intuition.

Best,

FF

This appears to be who she is and whether or not you can tolerate this on and off business is your decision.

Since BPD is a disorder that manifests more acutely in intimate relationships, you are now experiencing her limits. And this is likely to be what you can expect should you continue the relationship.

At some point we all are in a situation where we have to do what's good for ourselves, and not for the other person. And when you say "it's best for us both..." you're wandering into making decisions about what's best for her, and that's supposed to be solely her job.

You do you. Let her do her.

If you need to break it off, and keep it that way, then do it. After that it's her job to do her and figure out her life without. That means being okay with her hurting. Here's the thing, it's not fair for her continue boomerang'ing you like this. You shouldn' t have to endure her dysfunction like this. It's a natural consequence of her treating you like this that she loses the relationship because nobody should be willing to put up with it. So that leads to the thought that yeah she's hurting, but she created it for herself. It's not your job to save her from hurting when she's the one creating it. In fact, you staying involved only prolongs it. The only way she learns to quit hurting herself (maybe - if she doesn't simply go find another person to recreate the same cycles with) is if she doesn't have you involved to keep the cycle going.