BPDFamily.com

Hey!
So this is my first post and I’m just trying to figure out what to do and how to deal with everything we have going on. So my story is this. I started dating my husband when I was 17 he was 18. I came from a home where I was never allowed to hang out with friends or go on dates so when I met my husband and he offered to rent an apartment with me after only “dating” for a few months, I jumped on the opportunity. I ignored all the red flags and proceeded forward. The day we moved out his mom was helping us gather his things and she had suggested putting the tv in the back seat since the trunk was full and he completely lost it. I began screaming and belittling her and almost got into a fist fight with his step dad over the way he was talking to his mom and in an attempt to calm him down I tried to isolate him from the situation and he proceeded to put his head through every wall in his room at least 4 times. Ever since then it has been a battle. Little insignificant things sets him off and once the argument starts, he doesn’t stop. At one point, after my oldest was born, I tried to leave until he almost had me charged from a fight that HE started and I just tried to break up and I got sucked back in. Shortly after this, we had gotten into an argument over something he thought I said (to this day still doesn’t believe I never said anything to him or about him) but he was put in court ordered therapy but the instant we reconciled and the therapist suggested that he may have any disorder he refused to return. Fast forward 8 years and many many ups and downs, he finally reaches an explosion toward people that don’t live in our home and now that he’s burned every bridge he’s ever had as well as completely destroy our relationship and emotionally destroyed his children I gave him the ultimatum to return to therapy so he now reluctantly goes but REFUSES to talk to me about it, refuses to tell me any diagnosis, refuses to tell me if he takes his meds, and I’m at a complete loss. The worst part is my oldest daughter has the same symptoms he has and I’m trying to get her help as well but knowing what’s going on with him is imperative to help her. I have an appointment for 11/25 to see a counselor for myself I just don’t know what to do in the mean time. I’m feeling like I’m at my wits end. 

I'd say him going to therapy is the major battle and it sounds like you've won it, so rejoice in that victory and don't immediately begin looking for the next battle if it's not an emergency.

He may not want to tell you the therapist's opinions, and that's definitely his right, even in a marital relationship. I know someone very touchy about their schizophrenia diagnosis, hit the roof when someone leaked the info to their spouse. Same with his meds if they're easily traceable back to a certain diagnosis (Lithium=Bipolar, etc). You can ask if you can double-check with the therapist that he's attending appointments, but make it clear you won't butt into his privacy if he's afraid of that. He may be more open to telling you about "secondary" medications like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds that don't easily trace back to a diagnosis. But don't stress over what his medication is called, or how much he's supposed to be taking, or whether he took it this morning...because him perceiving you as a control-freak is going to undo some benefits.

*welcome*

I want to assure you that we can help you sort through this confusing mess.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

When you read this article, what kind of stuff rings true to you?

I'm curious how he could stop going to court ordered therapy?  Did I misread your story?

I'll check back soon.

Best,

FF