BPDFamily.com

I'm a 48 year old daughter of an undiagnosed BPD mother.  As the eldest child, I spent my growing up years attempting to keep peace.  If I could just walk quietly enough, accomplish enough, say the right thing, act the right way, distract her-- I could avoid waking the "dragon" that lived in my mom.  The first 30 minutes of each day were spent evaluating the "mood", adjusting my movements and behavior to avoid an eruption until I could get myself and my younger sister out the door to school.  I literally walked on my tiptoes to avoid shaking the floor as I walked past her. I would lower my gaze to the floor.  Eye contact could set her off.  This was my life until I married at 21 and moved away.  Though she called every day, I had at least put physical distance between us.  I had escaped, sort of, except for obligatory visits home a few times a year.  Then she began to threaten suicide because she was so lonely and I felt like I had no choice but to let her move to where I live.  So now, for the last 10 years,  she and my dad live within 10 minutes of my door.  I had my leg back in the trap. 
I want to love her.  I want to help her.  But she's been so awful and hateful even in my adulthood that I've often found myself wishing she would die so that I could be free.  I know this is horrible!
This year has been particularly hard.  She seems to be spiraling into an even deeper pit of this.  She has given me the silent treatment multiple times this year (this is her go-to move when I've displeased her or "failed" her in some way, to withdraw her love until I've learned my lesson, suffered enough and begged her to return to my life).  And now, it's been over a month since we've had any contact because I'm just done.  I won't be "punished" anymore like I'm a child.  And my father, who I've always adored has cut me off as well.  She's also cut off my kids, who have done nothing but try to love her as grandkids will, but their relationship to me makes them the enemy too.  To be clear, I did not break off contact with her.  I attempted to contact her multiple times at the beginning of this episode but her m.o. is to refuse to take my calls until she's done being mad and I have suffered enough.  This time, I just stopped making attempts before she was ready to stop being angry.  This is unforgivable in her mind.
I've been reading much trying to get a handle on this and what I'm responsible for in this.  I understand that she is ill, that she didn't ask to have this but do I have to suffer the second half of my life as I have the first half at the hands of someone who will take no responsibility for her behavior? 
I toggle between incredible anger and horrible sadness.  I can feel her hate even now.  I never thought I would be able to describe myself as an estranged daughter, but I guess that's what I am now.  Do I have a right to be "selfish" and protect myself?   

This is the million dollar question that I think all members, regardless of board, struggle with, yet especially here on PSI.

Short answer: you're not responsible for her feelings.

Easy to say if you want to detach with emotional cut-off (that's her MO, and it unfortunately extends to her own grandchildren who don't understand). It protects you and your primary family (your nuclear family), but it doesn't solve anything and doesn't help in long term healing.

This sounds like the first time you've refused to keep reaching out against her silent treatment, yes? How do you feel it will impact you if she continues "radio silence?"

Maybe this can help to start.

BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330440.0;all)

Turkish,
Thanks for the article recommendation.  It was informative. I've resisted over the years labeling myself as an abuse victim.  What I've endured seems so minor compared to victims of physical abuse that I felt I hadn't earned that label.  I'm beginning to see that verbal and emotional abuse is just as damaging and long lasting.  I should have recognized it... her response has always been that we made her yell at us, that it's my fault she had to  shut me out.  Classic abuser language.
 Yes, this is the first time I've refused to chase her down and end the withdrawal.  I'm done feeding her sense of superiority that she so desperately needs in any relationship.  I'm done giving her a pass and giving in to get along.  These episodes have very rarely been the result of any actual misdeed on my part (ie due to a verbal altercation).  This episode was launched after I traveled to visit my sister without asking mom to go along.  It's so ridiculous that I've finally hit the wall with what I'm willing to tolerate.  I want a healthy relationship with my mother, but I no longer want THIS relationship.  Having no relationship may be the result but that will be her choice.

Your post resonated with me. I too, used to think I couldn't "complain" as I was not physically abused. But the emotional abuse is sort of insidious, and at times not seen by others. I now only talk with a few close friends, as most everyone else just doesn't get it. I am older than you, and my uBPDm is older than your Mom. and I can tell you from my experience that nothing has changed in terms of my Mom's emotional dysregulation. I am finally making changes, and realizing that moving towards NC is the only way to save myself. I recently attempted LC with compassion, but she just manipulated, lied and reared her narcissistic ways in a very upsetting manner.  I am glad i attempted LC, and acted with compassion instead of anger. But now the anger is creeping back in, and I am just too weary to continue. I do feel badly that she will spend her final years alone and acting out, yet I am reassured by my feeling bad about it that I am not like her.

Hi Soprano1.  I'm a 58yo only child of 84yo uBPD mom.  Growing up with her was difficult, but I didn't realize just how not normal it was, until more recently.  My relationship took a really difficult turn for the worse after my dad became ill and died about 14 years ago.  Then I became her new full-time punching bag, and emotional caretaker.  I guess my point is that as the pwBPD ages, and they become more stressed from life events and aging, their behavior gets worse in my experience.  An important thing I had to learn was boundaries.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

So because they've learned these maladaptive relationship strategies (usually formed as survival strategies from traumatic childhood experiences), they are truly unaware of how damaging this is to a relationship.  Conditional love is not healthy genuine love, but a BPD can't understand that because their thinking is distorted.
 
 While my mom used the "silent treatment" on me, it wasn't her "go to" strategy to manipulate me.  However, when she last used the silent treatment, I accepted it as a holiday away from her, because quite honestly, I needed the time to regroup myself, and get back to my own baseline.  This "thing" your mom is doing of giving you the "silent treatment" to make you suffer, what if it didn't make you suffer?  Could a shift in thinking nudge you to seeing the silent treatment differently like this?

A book that was recommended by my T, and really helped me a lot was "Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning.  The entire last chapter was dedicated to the topic of suicide and suicide threats by pwBPD.  I would highly recommend it.

I would think about working on boundaries, because living the rest of your life in a leg hold trap isn't a good option.  And the fact that threatening suicide once got her the result she wanted makes it more likely that she learned that strategy worked for her.  The boundaries we set are to protect ourselves from the BPD's behavior, not to teach them a lesson (cs. they're not going to learn it).  The other thing I learned, is that it's not selfish to take care of myself by doing things for myself.  In fact, self-care is a normal healthy and responsible way to look after our own well-being.  By taking time to do things we enjoy and by looking after our selves, we are in a much better place to deal with life's many curve balls when they come our way (as they inevitably do with a BPD parent).

It also likely involved being smacked around, though from what I remember, it wasn't that bad (and not technically abuse according to the state of California), but I had a seizure when  my mother was harshly berating me once. One second I was standing, and the next second she was helping me off the ground. It did scare her and she took me to get evaluated. I didn't tell the doctor anything much. I was a good little puppy.  They concluded that I was physically ok. 

See this link:

 Some depressing news for your afternoon: Kids who are emotionally abused suffer the same mental-health consequences as those who are physically or sexually abused — and in some cases, psychologically abused kids may actually fare worse.  (https://www.thecut.com/2014/10/emotional-abuse-can-be-as-damaging-as-sex-abuse.html)That’s the takeaway of a sobering new report from the American Psychological Association that was just published in the journal Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy

Update:  So I found out through my sister and my son (who went by to pick up a birthday present-- I didn't know they had contacted him) that mom's story is that she has no idea what is going on, that I just stopped contacting them.  This woman has called me nearly every morning of my adult life (except when she was mad and giving me the silent treatment).  She has not reached out to me at all since this began so it's not like I have been refusing her calls.   I feel like she's trying to make me feel like I'm losing my mind and trying to make my family think I'm having a breakdown or something.  Is this how BPD's act?  I know narcissists will do this in order to cause damage.

She will do/act with whatever makes her look good.  So pretending "she has no idea what is going on" is both her defense, and a great offense because she hopes it will make her look good (and you look bad since she can never be wrong or at fault).  It's less about making you look bad, than it is about making her look good. 

I'm not particularly surprised by this. 

You are not losing your mind.  Lots of self-care for you Soprano1.

Nefarious motives are often assigned to pwBPD, even though most of the behaviours are survival type defensive mechanisms. It's how they learned to navigate the world and their relationships. The author of   Understanding The Borderline Mother  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61982.0) wrote, "... to a [pwBPD], lying feels like survival."

Your mother may sincerely feel that way, lacking the emotional maturity to understand how she was hurtful.

Several months ago, my mom sat at my dinner table and laughed while she said that she knew that when she refused to call me or take my calls, she knew I would be at home upset and worried about what I had done to cause it.  She laughed while looking at me with cold eyes. Does that sound like someone who doesn't have nefarious motives? Who is simply in survival mode? To me, it sounds like a sociopath who relishes the power to cause emotional pain, to prove their ability to control and manipulate the emotional life of their victim.

Dr. Ramani said when dealing with a narcissist, we often stay at the table too long. In this case, you were literally and figuratively at that very table. For me, I am learning to politely excuse myself from the table. Very hard to do, but I am learning slowly.

It can be hard to distinguish between BPD and NPD. People with BPD can have strong narcissitic traits and people with NPD can have strong borderline traits. People with BPD tend to have no empathy or too much empathy. Narcissists use cognitive empathy to manipulate others and actually have no capacity for affective empathy. I too am benefitting tremendously from watching Dr. Ramani's youtube numerous videos. The journey of discovery and healing is a long one yet there are many rewards when we choose to just let go of the people in our lives who only hurt and manipulate us. Being no contact with your mother, you are now in a safer place to process the pain, all the hurt your mother has inflicted upon you. Going no contact, leaves your mother in charge of her feelings, and gives you the freedom to give yourself the love you deserve and make the kind of life for yourself that you truly deserve.

This is excruciatingly painful.  Nothing about BPD is "fair".  The only thing I see in your control here is to find a way/ways to change your own reactions to her hurtful actions.  In addition to temporary or permanent N/C, can you think of any other ways you might be able to start that process (to change your feelings of being upset and worried that comes with the silent treatment)?

That's sounds like deliberate cruelty, soprano1. You are in no way responsible for that. Telling you is additional deliberate cruelty.