BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I'll start by appologizing my bad English.. this is not my first language. But I hope that I can make myself understood.

My husband and I have been together for over 20 years (!) and his behaviour towards me is getting worse and worse. It has come to a point where both my family member and my/our friends are loosing their patience, and keep telling me that I would be better off without him. We have 3 kids, and they are suffering in this too. Both from his bad behaviour, mostly directed towards me (thank God..), but altso unsecurity abour the situation. They are all walking on eggshells, constantly weighing their words and actions to not "provoke" their father. This hurts me so much to see, and I fear they will be broken if I don't do something... Still, I am the one he blames for all this bad behaviour and outburtst. My lack of planning skills, ability to keep things in order, my lack of consistent rules (in the parenting role), my lack of initiative and lack of romantic gestures towards him, you name it... In short: all of my shortcomings are forcing him to take stand, yell at me and the kids, let me know how to do things (talk to me and lecture me as if he was my parent), take responsibility for everything etc. At the same time, everybody else tell me that I need to stop doing everything for HIM. All they see, is me taking full resposibility for everyday life, the kids, food on the table, cleaning the house, planning renevations and vacations etc. I cannot understand why he keeps "beating" me down for being so "irresponsible" when everyone else (including me) have the complete opposite perception.

Anyhow, he always finds a way to point out why he needs to react the way he does - even if I cannot understand the connection. Neither the reaction itself (way to strong, always) og the "trigger" (what just happened, why, how?). He'll start by yelling og talking harshly to me, letting me know what I did wrong. I rarely get a chance to defend myself (I'm often also speeachless and numb due to the surprise and/or reaction). When he's done talking, he continues into "silent mode" where he ignores me totally. Often for several days... In this mode, he can even ignore the kids as well, or the opposite: he tries to make them his allies, by taking them (not even asking me) on a trip, go shopping etc. I don't know how to react to these situations, so I just stay silent and go about my daily routines... Often, after a given amout of days (1-14) he starts talking to me again. Often with a sigh over him (again) having to be the "responsible adult that want to kiss and make up..." But the truth is, it is in his power - I can do whatever I want to try and repair the situation, but he is the one that decides when to burst out of his angry bubble. Then, with a sigh of reliefe, we live happily (on eggshells) until he is triggered the next time.

Today, he is in his silent angry bubble again due to a (in my opinion) stupid event yesterday. I wanted to take the kids to a spotanous and quick visit at my aunts, since I got to leave work early. I picked up the kids from school (as I always do) and since I thought I'd be back at the time we normally come home, I didn't see the importance of letting him know that we dropped by my aunt on the way home. When we came home, max 30 minutes later than we normally do, his face was all dark and wrinkled. He didn't bother to say "hi" or come to the door, he ignored all of us the entire afternoon (even went to the store to buy his own dinner, even though I had baugt dinner). When I asked him if anything was wrong, I got a lecture about resposibility, abouy playing with open cards, about asking him promission to take the kids somewhere etc. I said I was sorry that I didn't tell him, and that I just didn't think it would matter - as it wouldt have to me, but it didnt have any effect on his mood. Stayed silent and my himself all of last night, and asked to be left alone the entire weekend. "You just take the kids and do whatever you like this weekend, I'll be my myself".

I'm starting to loose my patience with this behavour. The kids have also started to ask me why dad is so mad and "childish" all the time... I simply do not know what to answer. Or what to do, how to talk back to him, to make him see that my intentions are not cruel og evel - I just have an easier and non-complicated view of the world (I would never say this to him, but in reality this is how it feels). Any advice to how I/we should react when he acts out like this? What on earth is he trying to accheive?

Sorry for the loong post, needed to vent a bit...

PS: My husband has not been diagnosed with BPD, but the more I read about this diagnosis the more this situation make sense to me... We have tried couples therapy, but my husband talked the first one around convincing her of his world view (I was to blame for everything) and the second one he yelled at and rushed out on, when the therapist touched a nerve.