BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, I'm back after a long time away. Nothing much happened in my case during the height of Covid-19, but things are beginning to move again.

Long story short for those who don't know me:
2017-2018 Undiagnosed (now ex-)wife became more and more erratic.

June/July 2018 We went to couples' counselling - but she refused to accept any responsibility for the relationship's problems.

On August 8th 2018 she said she was taking our son (4 at the time) to see his cousins for the day.  That's the last time I saw him. She left me.
Late August - she accused me of sexually abusing our son.

September 2018 - Custody court battle begins: there was an investigation into her allegation including interviews with my son. The police investigation concluded that there had been no abuse. Several psych evals followed. And several obfuscations from my ex's lawyer.

October 2019 - The judge responsible for the case ruled that, while a definitive ruling was still to come, I could have interim supervised access to my son. My wife never presented our son, insisting that I had abused him. She was not sanctioned for that.

February 2020, new judge takes over the case.

March 2020 - courts in Mexico City where I live went into lockdown.
end of August 2020 - the judge ruled in the case, saying that I should get access 1 day every weekend and half of holidays. Ex-wife is appealing.

Starting mid-September, when the lawyer assured me that the sentence stands during the appeals process, I went (with friends video recording as witnesses) to pick up my son at the court appointed times: the first time, my ex told me through the closed door that I was "mistaken". The second time, there was no answer. The third time (10/10/20) my ex's brother opened the door and spoke to me telling me that pedophiles are not welcome at that house, that the judges ruling didn't happen and that there was an open investigation into me (the case was closed long ago). He said that his family would do everything in their power to stop me ever seeing my son.

Have you involved law enforcement with your parenting plan?

Wow...and isn't there an option to take a court official/police with you to verify that "there was no mistake"?

I'm so sorry this is happening.  Keep up the fight!

Best,

FF

My lawyer and I are petitioning the court to ask them to appoint a notary to take with me as a witness.  I'm hesitant to go alone without a witness for safety reasons as well as to avoid a situation where the other side has a different version of events.  And I'm also reluctant to take my friends or coworkers as witnesses since they shouldn't have to witness me being called a pedophile in the street by an angry flying monkey.  Let's hope the court complies.

It seems that my ex is running out of options legally, but what worries me is her willingness to ignore the judges' rulings. And from what her brother said on the doorstep it sounds like they will "do anything to protect and prevent" my son from seeing me.  I have a feelin that if and when the legal options run out, they will take the law into their own hands - either by fleeing to another part of the country where the police have no power (my ex's family is from the state of Jalisco where the narcos have control, not the law), or by threats of or actual violence on me.

It also concerns me how my ex brother in law is now very much off the fence. The last time I saw him he said he wasn't going to give an opinion and that it was up to the judge to decide. Now he's saying that he believes my ex's (his sister's) story 100%. She must have coached my son into saying I did horrible things to him, because my ex brother in law said he heard it from my son.  I'm horrified.

You definitely should not go alone, that is for sure.

I'm curious how a court can order the child to be produced for supervised visitation and then when the child isn't produced...nothing happens.

Hang in there.

Best,

FF

Sounds absolutely awful. How are you coping with all of this stress? I can only imagine that you might feel pushed to your limit.

It's pretty stressful I must say. Luckily I have a great girlfriend who I have been with for nearly a year now and who is supporting me emotionally.
It helps also having a second income too as I'm still having to hand over half of my take-home pay to my ex. (20% of my gross income goes to my son through her, and 10% is for my ex - but what with taxes and deductions it works out as half my net pay). I am appealing the 10%.

30% sounds like an enormous amount of your income. I hope your appeal goes well. Glad you have a supportive girlfriend. 

The worst is that my ex seems to be able to ignore the court orders with seeming impunity.
The judge's ruling which stated that I have the right to see my son every weekend and half of holidays, came out in late August.  It was made clear by the judge that the ruling would stand even in the event of appeals - and of course she did appeal.
Since then, I have been to her house on 3 occasions to exercise my right according to the judge's ruling - and each of the 3 times I have been denied access.  I hesitate to go now because of my ex brother-in-law's aggressive behavior the last time I went.
Photographic and video evidence of the denied visitation has been presented to the judge who just seems to be sitting on his hands. Now we're asking for the judge to consider sending the clerk of the court to accompany me the next time I try to see my son according to the ruling.
We're now in mid-November, 2 and a half months after the judge's ruling, during which time I have dutifully paid the 30% (which I am appealing). It's absurd what mothers can get away with. Imagine if the roles were reversed.
All the while my son is being more and more alienated from his dad.
It's absurd!

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

When is the next court hearing?  Can you officially ask the court to tie visitation to your payment responsibilities?

Thanks for updating us and please stay strong!

Best,

FF

Was the visitation supervised that they awarded you, or unsupervised? It's sad you have been separated from him for so long, but at least he is young and there is time to make up for it later. If you fear she will move to that other part of the country, you may want to start setting things up for that possibility. I wonder if there is a lawyer in that area who you could talk to, in case things go that way.

I think the normal response (at least in the US) is to ask for full custody when the parent refuses to respect the court order.

So I went to the house on Saturday with the court secretary as a witness, backed up by my attorney.

The court secretary rang the door bell for a good 15 minutes with no answer and duly recorded that once again the court order was not respected by my ex.

As we drove away, my ex sister in law drove past us on the way to the house, followed by a police car. So obviously my ex was inside the house and called for the cavalry.

There followed a ding-dog in the street between my attorney and the ex sister in law who was shouting at me while I stayed in the car with my mouth shut.

The ex SIL accused us of harassment, but fortunately the court secretary could attest that we were not harassing anybody.

I have now applied for full custody and also reported my ex in the criminal prosecution system for withholding of a minor.

So the ex is under pressure now and we'll see how it evolves.

We're still waiting for my ex's appeal against the Sentence giving me access to come through. My lawyer's fear is that I could possibly be reduced to supervised, not free, visitation.

Keep up the good fight!

What kind of timeline does your L think the future holds?

Best,

FF

So, any update on this?  Have you been able to get the courts to help you see your son?

Due to Covid 19 the courts here have been closed and only just reopened a couple of weeks ago.

Still no news on the 2 appeals - one by me against having to pay my ex alimony, the other by her objecting to my visitation rights. Expecting a ruling any day now on both. I fully expect my ex to take it to the final highest level of appeal should it not go her way.

Still no news on consequences for my ex denying me access contrary to the court ruling that I can.  Hoping the family court judge passes it over to the criminal court prosecutors in the next week or so.

On Tuesday I go to the criminal court for an arraignment hearing at which my ex will be formally accused of causing psychological and emotional damage to me and to my son by her actions. It was supposed to be last Tuesday but it hit a mysterious hitch (my lawyer suspects corruption - we're in Mexico). Thank goodness we managed to get it back on and so soon. If she loses that case, then my case is strengthened and I stand a good chance of getting custody.

What's been really bugging me is that when there have been encouters with my ex's family, they seem genuinely convinced that I abused my son.  My ex has obviously been extremely convincing in her lies, to the extent that she has even got my son to say that I did things. It fills me with horror what some people are capable of in order to achieve their aims.

So what are you seeking since your wife has alienated your son, and denied you visitation?  Are you asking for full custody?

Yeah, the aim is to go for custody now, but everything is moving so slowly.  Hell, I'm still waiting for my ex's non-compliance with the judge's ruling that I should have regular access (witnessed first hand by the clerk of the court) to have some sort of consequence.

Meanwhile, the appeals court has said, after the case has been with them since September 2020, that they need my son and me to do further psych evals. I don't understand why. We've already done thorough psych evals and now it's nearly 3 years since my boy (now 7, then 4) last saw me. He's so young and has had plenty of time to be alienated, have false memories drilled into him and "prepared" to talk badly.

So frustrating. I feel like my lawyer is getting lots of little victories, but never the killer blow and meanwhile my ex's lawyer is managing to ignore the courts with impunity and kick the can forever down the road.

A thought I believe will be helpful no matter how your efforts turn out...

In the future, perhaps years from now, your son may ask why you were so abusive, rejected him, didn't want to see him, didn't care about him, didn't love him — concepts he almost surely is being indoctrinated by his mother and his maternal family — and you will be able to state (and document if necessary), "Son, I fought for you by every legal means possible."

Update:
I went for the psych evaluation requested by the appeals judge in my custody case. It was with the same psychologist who I saw a year and a half ago and he asked me the same questions, so I'm guessing I'll get the thumbs up again like last time.  It was very long. 3+ hours.  The psychologist's report should be in the appeals judge's office now. Who knows how long it will take to reach a verdict now.

In other news I'm going on Wednesday to the arraignment hearing of my ex who is being prosecuted for the emotional and psychological damage done to me by taking my kid away from me and falsely accusing me.  The hearing was supposed to be a couple of months ago but mysteriously got derailed. My lawyer suspects a bribe was paid to screw things up.  But at least it's finally happening after over 2 years since I started the process.  Feels good to get to play offense for a change.

Thanks for the update.

What do you expect to happen at the arraignment hearing?

Best,

FF

Does the judge at Wednesday's arraignment have any power to make her follow the custody/visitation order that is in place right now? Or is that exclusively a family court issue?

The hearing on Wednesday was disappointing. The judge heard the case against my ex and after everything decided not to make a decision, but to order yet another psychological study on my poor son, 3 years after the alleged abuse. It's insane. They judge would not consider any of the evidence from the family court because according to her that's another case and another court.

So we're looking at another few months for the criminal case against my ex to proceed.

The judge could not do anything to enforce the visitation order as it's the business of the family courts.

Meanwhile, my GF of a year and a half who moved in with me in February has been acting in a way that is raising some serious BP-style red flags.

She was criticizing me for not making more of an effort to speak Peruvian Spanish (she's Peruvian) when we speak Spanish, for instance with her family. (She and communicate almost entirely in English) We live in Mexico and I learned my Spanish here in Mexico and so instinctively I used Mexican Spanish.

I told her that I understood her need for me to embrace her culture and heritage but that I thought that her criticism was unfair and unreasonable, and gave my reasons. This was in front of friends who had invited us for the weekend.
After I said that, I sat close to her and gave her a little kiss to show there were no hard feelings but she drove off in the car, leaving me 2 hours from home with no transport and texted to say she was leaving me.
She later said that she hasn't moved out like she threatened. I'm still away in the country and will be getting a ride home from my friends today.

Her behavior scared me. It's like déjà-vu all over again.

Wow...couple heavy things to sort through.

Now that you are aware of this type of thing, how will you respond?

Best,

FF