BPDFamily.com

 :help:

I need to join this forum because I am feeling so alone and lost. I have not been able to sleep the last two weeks because I recently caught my 8yo SD’s uBPD mom hiding in a bush in front of our home in the middle of the night. We found out that she has been coming to SD’s window every night. She is full-term pregnant and she was hiding in the dark BAREFOOT at 11PM on a school night when I caught her. Not to mention SD is in remote learning so her mom logs in and watches her the entire school day while she’s with us. So basically she was watching SD all day then she was visiting her every night in secret. They have 50/50 custody. If she wasn’t caught she could have asked to be let in our home while we were sleeping or even worse taken SD and we just wake up and not know where she could be? I got her on video that night when I confronted her and now she’s going as far as disrupting SD’s online classes to say things like “that’s not her stepmom” and lying to the school staff saying her child is witnessing domestic violence in our home. The police didn’t even arrest her that night and I’m so paranoid in my own home I want to cry.

Rest assured, we can relate to that.  Been there, lived that.  Maybe not the exact scenario, but similar.

Father needs to step up and probably get local legal advice (experienced family law attorney) on what can be done to ensure his parenting time is his/yours.

If the mother is stalking, it may take more incursions for the police to take it seriously.  Women/mothers often are given far more leniency than men/fathers.  At the very least there ought to be a police report filed about this incident.  As you will learn here, documentation is what family courts work from, the ex will spout all sorts of horrendous but unsubstantiated claims, you and your husband will have documenation otherwise.

That her mother has made allegations has to be taken seriously.  Which parent takes the lead as the primary school contact?

As your husband gets legal advice and moves to stop this current behavior (because yes, it is outrageous), he can approach it as what is best for your GR8 -- that her sleep not be interrupted, that her on-line school time not be monitored -- because that is what is needed for her development and health.

Perhaps the new baby will alleviate some of her inability to be separated from SD8.

Is bio mom diagnosed? If so, is she in therapy? Is there a stepdad, or is she having this baby outside a relationship?

I definitely feel you on this.  My SD's mom had a habit of coming to our house randomly demanding to speak to my H or to SD - including 3 times on Easter.  We've never had the hiding in the bushes, though.  That is freaky.

We consulted with the local police.  They told us that if she showed up and I called the police, they would escort her from our property but not arrest her for trespassing.  They said that mom had a right to call for a well-child check and they would come to our house and make sure SD was okay, but if this happened a lot and there was no harm to SD, they'd "know and document where the problem is".

So I encourage you to keep calling the police when she shows up, and make sure it's documented.

As for school - how is mom able to log in to the classes from her house?  Is there anything the teacher can do to stop this?  Could you change SD's password while she's at your house and then change it back before she goes to mom's?

And for you - are you in therapy?  This stuff is emotionally wrenching, and having a therapist to talk through things can really help.