BPDFamily.com

I guess a lot of you, like me, are accustomed to your pwBPD trying to bring you down with their words (and actions at times).  Like for them, there is no mid-ground.  There is no situation in which nobody is to blame.  There is no "unfortunate" events.  If something doesn't go right, or if you didn't do something to their satisfaction, you are wrong.  Even if it's a tiny issue. 

Like today, daughter's teachers called to ask me something.  When I told uBPDh via text, he basically texted back and said I gave a stupid answer.  And then he added "I know they called you out of the blue and you didn't have time to think, but..." (which is already very generous of him, given he doesn't usually even do that).  But that's not the end.  He had to call me to again say how stupid the answer is.  I apologised, and then he said I don't need to, he understands, he's just telling me how I could do better next time (which again, is generous.  Usually when I apologise he will hammer on about how I'm wrong and apologising doesn't help things).  But then he goes on and on about how I said the wrong thing.  And he has the habit of making it sound like if you do something less-than-perfectly (which is, oh, everything I do, of course), then you will ruin the lives of everybody around you.  While he is trying so hard to build everything up.

So I was on the phone and he couldn't see, but I was almost in tears.  If he actually sees me in tears, I bet he would rage at me.  Because he would claim I'm crying since I feel like I'm falsely accused.  Or using my tears to get him to stop.  Stuff like that.  But at least this time he was bordering on being nice to me, a little bit like he didn't like what I did, but he is doubting whether he's been too hard on his stupid wife.  I don't think he's ever doubted the harshness of his treatment of me before.

So my question is, is it common for pwBPDs to be like this?  I mean they're all black and white, but for them a "wrong" is a "wrong", correct?  There is no degree of wrong.  If you did something that's not what he wanted... you're wrong.  You're stupid.  Sometimes I feel stuck, like I know whatever I do is going to be wrong.  Because I can never be completely right, I can never do something that completely fulfills his requirements, so I must be wrong.  It's quite a depressing way to live.  It doesn't matter what your intention is, or how close you've come to accomplishing something.  As he always say, people only look at the result.  But when you consider only the result even on matters with your spouse... no wonder he sees me as full of "wrongs", as the woman who brings him down.

I feel this so much. If he were to watch me dress and I put my pants on and then my shirt - that would be wrong. If I were to put my shirt on and then pants - that would be wrong. I think about this regularly. It does not matter what I do.  It. Will. Be. Wrong. So I just make a choice and see what happens.

If someone confirms this is a BPD trait I know I found the right place. Still learning here. I don’t know what some of the acronyms around BPD mean in your post. Are they subtypes of BPD?

Hope4Joy,

What acronyms are you referring to?  uBPDh = undiagnosed BPD husband, pwBPD = person with BPD.  H hasn't (and will never be) diagnosed and he clearly doesn't have any problems, all problems are mine and mine only, and hates therapists and counselors.  So there you go.

I'm not sure if the "it will be wrong" thing is a BDP trait- I suppose so, cos for them, facts = feelings.  If he feels like you're doing something wrong, he will find a reason to prove himself right.  Never mind that he won't be able to dictate actual facts to prove his point- it will not get to that stage because stating facts require a logical mind, and when the BPD is acting up, they're 100% emotion and 0% logic. 

There have been cases in which I have asked him "you said I did that wrong, what do you think I should have done?"  He will not be able to give an actual answer if the BPD is speaking.  He will kind of tell me to say "anything BUT what you have said".  Now... we know that if I had uttered something else, I would've been wrong too and he would've wanted me to say anything BUT that as well.

It's kind of like a child's tantrum- they are feeling upset, if you ask them "why" they're upset, they may say something that sounds reasonable, but actually is completely unrelated to their upset feeling.  It's because they have to justify feeling upset.