BPDFamily.com

 :hi:

I mean it in the nicest way.

Ive logged in everyday, but less frequently over time.

It sort of upsets i notice other folk get over their issues {i only assume so} and they just disappear. If there was a goodbye or end summary i may have missed it.

Ive dithered to detach and i know a bit why. I've changed in these years. Not radically but enough aggregate to change to notice profound differences in how i behave in relationships.

Ive stayed away from her for around 3 years. She lives 20 minutes away. Knows where i live, work, what she also knows is i haven't reached out like other guys have. But she has not stalked. The most she did was emails and turned up my door. Solution to both, blocked deleted emails. Took a minute to solve. Kept door closed with the locking mechanism. Im not mechanically adept or good with tech but when people bother me, i can use a lock, or take battery out my phone. There is a way if there is a will. {the latter part is crucial}

The tools are there but i never believed I'd use them. On her. Idealised her too much. So then she shouted abuse so whole street could hear. I don't think she was drunk, i can still hear the tone, it was sober, it was fiery cold umbrage. Like the first time i witnessed it. Chilling, ptsd like, but amplified because of just that: "novel' experience.

Shock factor of being confused, can't relate to new phenomenon. I still didn't go outside. I lived in most prestigious neighbourhood of the country, everyone at their windows judging and watching goings on like new York upper east side. Ultra conservative, orderly. If a flower basket goes missing it hits the front page news.

I don't need her nor want her. She had her bpd, i know more about it than i did. As for this group I needed but its now a far nicer feeling to want to stay rather than need to.

There is no heartbreak, this stuff is in the brain not the heart. I can be "cold" too btw. I prove it by doing. I can cut off. Surgical like. Just not automatically.

There isn't a true sense of detachment, a pure sense. She is out there, roaming, grazing as i do too as intelligent beings. But I don't have to be in close proximity. Or anxious if it happens.

I know im recovered because I know i can go out again, get drunk and not blabber about her or depending on the mood go to her door and be disorderly.

I want to still stick around i like/love it here too much. But im going no contact for 2 weeks to prove a point, to myself also. To emphasise on my needs and wants. Action them makes them real.

Sickened me when she said "there's a guy who still chasing me after FOUR years". It eas inappapropiate, it was self gloating, it lacked complete empathy for how Id feel. It did raise a red flag.

Too much inappropriate blethering, a sign of being unwell. I wanted a girlfriend for fun not therapy provision. Or to be emotional swill bucket {object} not person.

I also didn't want to be "one of those guys", although i imagine the reasons more why he was trying. It helped to hear it. Early warning awacs. Useful only if paid attention to.

Well im not going to leave 2 weeks. I don't need to prove any point. I just wanted to make it clear I'm here because i want to  don't need to. End of and thanks as always.

it was my first real, adult relationship.

we got together when i was 21. we broke up when i was 24. wed been friends since i was 18. my longest relationship before it, was about 3 months.

its been nearly a decade now, since we broke up. i got over the pain a very long time ago. ive been in relationships since (i wouldnt call them success stories).

these are the five stages of detaching:



its true that many (most) dont make it beyond stage one, or at least in their time and work here. most come to get support for their heartbreak, ask a question or two, and are on their way. many come back, months or even years down the road, after another difficult and heartbreaking relationship.

i personally find that even today, with new and fresh understanding, i can still learn lessons from the relationship, and the journey ive taken, that i can use in the present and the future. it helps me to apply that experience in helping folks that are going through it, when the pain is fresh, and raw. i also know that i have some skills or coping deficits i will always need to work at. i learned here that one can take this incredible pain that brought us all here (that will dissipate eventually, no matter what you do) and turn it into meaning, and purpose.

thats why i stick around. youve come a long way Cromwell, and its been a pleasure walking with you on our journey.

Thanks OR

Its ptsd memories, it takes time to recognise them as such. From diagnostic point of view as well.

Transports me mentally back.

Its been almost 4 years. Im getting better at managing those moments of thoughts. Memk3of the past that if allowed to start venturing on, just lead generally to a journey i do not want to be on, have been so often, journey through quick sand.

Music is coming into my life I have a pair of headphones always handy now, can listen to a melody more joyful, harmibonious, in sync

Good to hear from you and for keeping me on track those times I've felt most out of depth

Hi Cromwell


I think for most leaving is a process. And not too many know that this is they last time they visit or that they are healed. IMHO such summaries would be just for a stage of this leaving or healing process. I think that final summary isn't really possible, its just a snapshot...

I'm on this forum for very long (multiple recycles) and I'm still very far from healed. This is bc I merely finally recognize(d) my personal flaws, the FOO issues, patterns in my non-romantic relationships (cluster B "friends"). For many of the issues I just started working on, and will possibly never truly master them.

This is a process, or as some :) tell - a journey - which wouldn't be possible for me without peeps like you Cromwell.  :hi:

I hear you Hidden Dragon and good to hear from you again

i never thought of it that way, i generally dont see people ive shared this journey with return again but i know it happens. "snapshot" - nicely put, thanks for that - it helps to view it from that angle.

Take care and hope you are keeping well.

Hey Cromwell,

So if I get the gist of what you are saying, you are going no contact to return out of a desire to come back out of true want rather than need, albeit a waning need?

If that's the case, I totally get that.  I too have been here a little less of late... part of that is COVID fatigue and part of that is just the need to reset too.

You've been a huge help to me - your responses to my posts have always seemed considered and genuine.  There's a kindness to your presence here.

I wish you grace in this time.

Peace,

Rev

Rev

I can't even remember what my plan was. Or why I posted this topic. But good to hear from you and kind words. All the best