BPDFamily.com

Been a while since I have posted on here.  Still with my uBPD gf of 6 years now.  I have been able to weather most of the storms thrown at me since my last stint of posts.  Sometimes I succeed and others I still fail with regards to handling my GF with the tools I found on this site.  I will admit, my relationship is eternally strained and I never feel connected or comfortable.  At the same, time I do have to admit I have a fear of living without her.  This perplexes me because she really doesn't offer much in the way of support and intimacy for me.  Maybe it is more of a comfort and companionship thing.  Also, I do love her dearly regardless of that fact I get very little from the relationship.  Still, it is hard to be 100% comfortable with my relationship when she threatens to break up if I don't act in a certain way.  She normally backs off of that threat pretty quickly; however, this current situation seems to be more serious.  Here is the situation I need help with.

Backstory: My ex-wife that I have two kids with does not care for my GF.  To be fair, my GF is the catalyst that ended my marriage and I did cheat on my ex-wife with my GF.  Regardless, my wife has never moved on from that and she really doesn't care for my GF.  She doesn't acknowledge her existence for the most part at my kids functions.  Frankly, my ex wife is pretty small as well and she doesn't forgive easily.  I think my GF also makes her uncomfortable and I'm sure there are most feelings involved with this type of relationship than I am aware of.  I have talked to my ex-wife about how it is better for the kids to at least get along with my GF during the short times they cross paths.  Maybe say hello, etc.  For the time being, it is a strained relationship.  Luckily, they rarely have to cross paths or deal with each other.  My GF makes every communication I have to conduct with my ex a nightmare.  She has to read all the emails and texts so she knows what was discussed and it what context.  She picks my emails apart, saying I am too nice when I am just co-parenting and being cordial.  I actually keep all communication straight and to the point with my ex because I know it will all be picked apart.    Now the current situation...

My daughter had to make a Halloween themed treat for one of her classes.  I helped her make them (jack-o-lantern rice Krispy treats) last night, although she did 90% of the work because she is the type of person that wants to be proud of what she made.  My kids go back to their mom's house (my ex) after school today.  My daughter set 4 treats aside immediately for me, my GF, and my GF's 2 kids.  She then asked if she could take the remaining treats to her mom's house.  I said it is ok...she made them and is proud of them and she wants to show them to her mom and let her mom have some as well.  I am not going to eat them, and there is no reason to leave them at my house as I do not get my kids back for a week (next Friday) and they won't be good anymore. Well, when I told my GF what I was doing with my daughter last night her immediate question/concern was "are you letting her take some to her mom's house".  I told her yes, I told my daughter she could take the remaining treats to her mom's.  I also told her that the first thing my daughter did was pull out 4 treats for me, her (my GF), and my GF's two kids.  My GF doesn't care and has laser focus on the fact that my ex may eat one of these treats.  A few of the things straight from my GF's mouth...

"You need to tell your daughter that she doesn't get to take anything to her mom's house until she starts treating me (my GF) nicely and like a human being."

"If you let you daughter take treats to your ex's house we are done, done, DONE.  I am breaking up with you.  I shouldn't have to deal with this."

"You (me) don't care about my feelings if you don't tell your daughter that she cannot take the treats to her mom's house."

This is all my text by the way.  It is all Done Done Done and Break up Break up Break up texts over and over again.  She won't talk or discuss anything on the phone.  She ignores my attempts to communicate like an adult.  She seems more serious with the break up threats this time.  I really won't know for certain until this plays out.

So I am struggling with whether or not to let my daughter take her treats to her mom's house.  Everything inside me screams let her take the treats and deal with the aftermath.  But when you live with a BPD you kind of learn to give in to ultimatums to keep the peace.  I have given in to multiple situations just like this in the past at an expense to myself or my kids.  I am tired of it.  I don't feel my daughter should have to be told she can't take the treats just because my GF has a problem with her mom.  It could be the end of my relationship, which would be very hard for me to take.  6 years together and she wants to end it over some rice Krispy treats and end it by text?   

Hey SBF-

Welcome back.  I only have a minute right now, so just a quick response.

Just the krispy treat portion.   So if I have this right, you DONT live together with BPDgf.  Your child at YOUR house.  Your child makes treats.  Leaves some for you, GF, her kids, takes some krispy treats to class party and wants to take remainder to mom’s house.  Child won’t be back to yours for a week.  Ergo, no waste...

GF has tantrum via text and threatens to end 6-year relationship over the fact that your exW May eat a krispy treat baked by a child for Halloween.

What a woman!

Moral of the story... never “over-share” with a disordered person. 

Get my point?

Warmly,
Gems

You are correct in your assumptions, all of them.  If I get your point, you are saying I should have kept it to myself and not made my GF aware of situation/plan in general?  I did think of that but it takes a string of lies sometimes.  For example, she called me while I was at the grocery store getting the supplies to make the treats.  She is kind of intense when I go anywhere without her.  Wants to know why I am at the grocery store and what I am buying.  Then, she will call me throughout the night and ask what I am doing.  She could have called while I was making them with my daughter.  I guess what I am trying to say is that it is tiring laying all the groundwork to cover something up that I know she is going to cause a problem about.  

I can probably get myself out of this by keeping a couple more than the 4 she is leaving me.  I told my GF there is only 8 left.  She knows that 4 of those 8 are for me, her, her kids.  I can ask my daughter to leave me 2 more, and then tell her (my GF) that each of my kids ate one for lunch today.  That would account for all 8. Only problem is she will text my 13 year old daughter and grill her about how it all went down.  And she will ask my daughter if I talked to her about it and my GF wants me to make it clear that she cannot take them to her mom's because her mom doesn't treat her (my GF) well.  My GF is a little intense.  I can tell my daughter to ignore her, but it is just so much to coordinate.

You are twisting yourself in pretzel shapes to figure out a way to appease your gf while not outright lying to her. In the meantime, you go back on your word to your daughter.

Is this how you want to live your life?

How much work have you done on boundaries? The first step in establishing your boundaries with others is to define your own values. I hear some values in how you describe your current dilemma, but you are allowing others (ex and gf) to walk all over them. I don't think you want to allow your values to be eroded under pressure from others.

Can you think about your values? What do you hold as important in how you "show up" in this life? Are you showing up that way now?

No, I don't want to go back on my word to my daughter.  Nor do I feel like should have to.  Nor do I really want to let me daughter in on the craziness just to devise a communication plan/lie if my GF decides to reach out to her.

With regards to my ex, I do think that she should move on for the good of her kids.  Stop holding so much against my GF and move on, not only for the good of me, my kids, my GF, but for goodness sakes why do you want to carry around that hate forever.  Learn to forgive.

With regards to my GF, she needs to know that she cannot pull ultimatums like this.  There is a part of me that wants to just let this all ride and see if she follows through on the break up.  There is also the part of me that just wants to put the current fire out (with lies to my GF) and move on.  Problem with that is I know another will come eventually.  They never go away.  It is living life from one of these situations to the next.  All while I learn to not "over share" or not give full stories along the way...leave out the parts I know will trigger her.  That isn't always possible though.

Most recent communication (text) from GF: "I hope you are taking this seriously.  If you come to my house I will not let you in and if you refuse to leave it will get ugly."

I usually go to her house on Fridays after my kids get picked up for their week with their mom.  That is what she is referring to.  It is kind of a routine and a given for Friday's where my kids get picked up.

Such nastiness and I don't know where this comes from.  I struggle with understanding the amount of hate that flows from her toward me when I do not feel like I am doing anything wrong.  Man do I struggle with this.  Where is the care for my feelings and my daughter's feelings? 

I want to clarify I am not looking for people to tell me what to do.  I am, however, curious to know how others would handle this situation/ultimatum if they were in my shoes.  I know the decision is mine to make and I am not looking to have someone else make it for me.  Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.  Thanks

I don’t know SBF-

I completely agree with Gagrl on many of her points regarding boundaries and living according to YOUR values.

When will that time come for you?

As far as your exW’s forgiveness.  That, my friend is beyond your control.  When a marriage ends due to infidelity, and the new partner is disordered... not exactly a good combination for a smooth transition.

Whatever you do regarding the treats, leave your child OUT of it.  No lies should be demanded of the child...(just My opinion)... to calm this “outrage” of a manipulative so-called adult woman.  I went through years of my exH’s wife throwing those poor kids in the middle.  We met long after they were separated.  

And if I were you, I’d  let your GF know to leave your child out of this if that time comes.  Or block her number from your child's Phone permanently.  There is NO care from your BPDgf about your child’s feelings and this is unacceptable.

Regarding the “oversharing”.  Sure, if you feel to keep the peace you need to constantly report each action and breath you take while with your children, that’s your prerogative.  But you can learn to simply say, she’s baking treats for her class.  Period, end of story.  Nothing more.  And you ARE permitted alone time with your kids, aren’t you?  Where you’re not constantly interrupted by her texts?  Boundaries!

Finally.  If your BPDgf is giving you a warning about showing up to her house this evening, that just shows incredible pettiness on her part.  If this is really about the fact that your child’s mom may have a bite of a krispy treat?  Good Lord.  So okay, you maybe tell your BPDgf, that you’re really sorry she’s so upset over this issue and you’ll miss her this evening.  You’ll be home watching a movie if she’d like to telephone you and chat.  Otherwise, your phone will be turning off at 10PM.

How solid is a relationship that she threatens to end over something like this?  Please take care of yourself.  And your kids.

SBF - at some point, this type of torture needs to cease.  Unless you think it’s okay.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

I do not think it is ok.  AT ALL.  I deal with a lot because I love her and care about her.  Then situations like this come up that mean much more to me.  She does this all the time, but most of the time it is regarding small/insignificant situations that I have learned to handle in stride.  When it involves my kids, which it can on occasion, there is much more emotion and values on my side.  

It is very concerning that situations like this become relationship-determining situations.  And that she is willing to take things so far.  This is part of the reason we don't live together.  She was always willing to go further than I am wired to go as far a low blows, calling police to manipulate and control arguments.  

I am most definitely going to allow my daughter to take some treats to her moms.  I am not going back on that.  I will acknowledge my GF's anger and uncomfortableness and reassure that I love her and care about her.  I will also most definitely let her know not to contact my daughter.  I will also stay away from her this evening if she is going to hold firm on the "don't come here or else" stance.  

To answer your last question...my relationship is not stable at all.  Is it possible to have a stable relationship with a BPD partner?

One thing I have always realized is she is much worse when I have my children.  Many times telling me I am choosing my kids over her, or that I care about my kids more than her.  Always comparisons.  I tell her it is not about loving anyone more, it is about loving them different.  I have responsibilities with regards to my kids, every other week.  I don't have those responsibilities with her.  She is always on me with regards to the, "you always want to be together when you don't have your kids, then when you have them you aren't around as much" argument.  I want to tell her, duh, they are my kids and I am responsible for them on my time.  This is part of dating someone with kids.  She has a 21 year old and 19 year old that are not on track to achieve anything in life  or even close to being able to move out.  I have already set a boundary that I will never live with her daughter again.  Her daughter is most definitely BPD and a narcissist on top of that.  She cares about nobody but herself and is always either angry or involved in major drama.  I refuse to raise my kids in that environment, and since nobody in her family wants to acknowledge it or address it I will not live with her.  Not to mention, her daughter assaulted my son when we lived together...how do you think that would go over with my exW if I tried to blend our households again?  If I were my exW I would attempt to get more custody.  Her daughter is thousands in debt, has terrible credit, and also has a poor work ethic.  Not exactly traits that are going to get her out on her own and able to support herself.  Reason I bring that up is because I get the, "it is embarrassing to have dated someone for 6 years and not live together."  Not to mention most of our friends know that we tried it and that she now lives in her old house again...so they are aware we failed at it. None of them, however, are aware of the explosive nature of both my bpdGF and her daughter.  She vents to most of them and I do not, so I'm sure they all think that I am the problem and am unstable.  It is great.

Okay, SBF...

I’m not sure whether you’re getting in the frame of mind to take a breather and ask yourself some hard, hard questions or not.  Are you?

There was a member here a while back who’d also left a marriage for a BPD partner.  There was infidelity on his part, but that’s not the point.  The bottom line was that the marriage needed to end, it did.  He held a huge amount of remorse for his actions and tried to make amends to his ex-wife.  But the forgiveness was ultimately her choice.

The realization that he finally came to through lots of soul searching, therapy and discussion here was that in many ways he felt FORCED to make the new relationship work.  Actually FORCED.  He felt he had nearly decimated his former life, and couldn’t fathom having done all that “for nothing”... with nothing to show for all that destruction.  But the real fact was he had NOT decimated his former life... not beyond repair.  Pretty much all except his marriage was reparable.  He did a lot of work, left the disordered relationship and ultimately met a wonderful woman.

Do you see my point? 

There does come a time to really, deeply LOOK, and sit with where you are.  Really understand how your relationship with your partner works.  Or doesn’t.  And how it fits, or doesn’t , with who YOU are.  And who you want to be... for yourself, and your children... who will need you for more years than just until they turn 18.

You KNOW who your BPD girlfriend is.  And it does appear that she may have some NPD traits... not certain how well you understand those traits and their impact on one’s life.  On your life.

Are you happy?  Content?  Relaxed?  Can you breathe easy on most days?  Is her love reliable?  What does that mean?  And why would she be threatened by a man’s love for his children?

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gems

Well, my daughter took some treats and left some treats.  I rolled with it and went about my Friday like a normal Friday as far as my BPDgf goes.  Strange thing that my GF kind of dropped it and moved forward.  It was kind of eerie to begin with because I was expecting fireworks.   The weekend ended up relatively normal with no blow ups.  The topic of some of the treats going to her mother's didn't even come up.  And I sure wasn't going to bring it up.  I do have the bigger problem of situations like this coming up again as I live life from one to the next.  I do need to spend more time on my values and how I will approach similar situations in the future. 

Now is the time to be thinking through your values. Please don't wait until the next time you feel your gf is throwing out an ultimatum.

If your girlfriend is anything like my exBPD, the situation isn’t over. It will come back up when you aren’t expecting it. I agree with taking the time when things are “calm” to evaluate what you value and what you really want in a partner.

StrugglingBF, your situation is almost identical to the situation with my wife.  My current wife is the catalyst to my divorce long ago and now we are married.  She would always criticize and try to wright my text for me to my ex-wife regarding my kids.  When I would text my ex about the kids my current wife with BPD would say I was too nice so I must want her back.   My wife with BPD left me after she started a fight 1 mth ago and she has blocked me and filed for divorce.  We had a good day that day and were going to bed when out of nowhere she started a fight accusing me of cheating.  She blew up and just left.  Back to your other point, the times were always worst when my kids were around.  Now understand, she is great with my kids.  Actually she is wonderful to my kids and they love her dearly, but the slightest thing would set her off.

She was in my life for 9 years off and on.  Over the past 4 1/2 years it was actually fantastic until the last 15 mths.  That’s when it started to turn downhill, but it still wasn’t that bad.  The last 6 mths harder.  I actually thought we were doing well until that Friday night one month ago when she just left