BPDFamily.com

Hi,
First post here. I’m new to the whole idea of bpd, and after reading lots I’m sure it’s my sister but right now there’s no diagnosis and I'm at a loss of how to help her.
 My sister is the oldest of four. She has two children, one from a previous relationship and one with her current husband. She is high functioning and has a good career but within the family, relationships are always difficult.
 As a kid I was bullied by her continuously, and it carried on into adulthood. She did this to my other siblings and mum too, but it’s was normally only one of us at a time. Its difficult to explain but it’s like really spiteful teasing. It’s like being on a merry go round. If anyone ever speaks against her, she does not tolerate it at all and cuts off contact without any type of discussion. She will blow out and not talk to me, then she is fine for a month or so, and we just seem to be going round in circles.
Her latest issue is because she had upset me when she visited last, she was really rude to me. But once I told her I was upset she went in a rage, said I don’t care about her, I’m always hating on her etc. So she’s not talking to me now, but is sending really awful messages to my mum, accusing my mum of picking sides, not caring , saying she/I’m manipulative etc.
 Now she’s told my mum that an aunty abused her as a child, but she hasn’t said anything other than that. This is completely out of the blue but has previously accused, five of her previous partners of abuse, each time a different type. I think she’s the abusive one in relationships, from what I’ve seen. And the way she treats my mum is very abusive. But on the outside, she appears to be a lovely person and I’m sure a lot of people who know her as friends or coworkers wouldn’t understand what I’m saying.
 So my mums in a state as usual. I feel like I’ve started this wildfire. But most of all I’m worried about my sister. Whatever is going on is not normal behaviour and she seems to be getting more intensely angry/spiteful .

Hi Robyn,
It's normal to be worried about a relative displaying BPD behaviors. 

Just some random questions I had after reading your post, how old is your sister?  What do your other siblings think, or have you spoken to them about your concerns?  Where is your mum at with the abuse?

Something that has helped me frame the BPD'd persons behavior is not thinking of it in terms of that person doing something to me.  For me that quickly becomes depressing.  I like to think of it as they make choices, and I observe, curiously.  I can care and be concerned, but I have to take care of me, and not become enmeshed.  What is your level of enmeshment, do you think?  Why i asked how old your sister is (and I know you said she's the eldest).  What steps are you taking to detach, I guess.

Really sorry you are going through this, but hopefully you can find some answers and support here.

B

Thank you for replying. I know I didn’t really ask any specific questions. I’m just feeling lost in it all.

So my sister is 38. I haven’t discussed these concerns with my other siblings, but they are aware of the recent issues.

My mum agrees my sister is struggling with mental health issues. Mum, has just about had enough of the abuse she gets, although she always tolerates far more than she should, as she’s aware my sister uses her children as a pawn, and she would lose contact with them.

Well, this is the thing I guess. I’ve always found it hard to step away because it causes such an issue. If you say no to her, she will persist until you say yes, or has a rage and cuts contact for however long. I worry when she cuts herself off from all of us and there’s no one ‘keeping an eye’ on her and the kids.
It’s hard not to feel guilty!

I guess any advice for next steps would be helpful.
Thank you x

Hi again Robyn,
I am currently working on Fear, Obligation and Guilt (aka FOG) with my BPD'd mom.  It sounds like we may have some similiar issues. 

I understand what it's like to feel obligated to "help."  In a way, our Borderline has trained us to think and feel this way.  Also, the threat your mom feels with her withdrawing with her kids is very real.

I keep trying to use and enforce boundaries.  With my mom it's nearly impossible, because it's like she has read the same books as I and can "see right through me."  if that makes any sense.

She knows my normal reaction, so if I try a more healthy one, it's like she double down.  The worst is the Looks she gives me, so I try to not spend too much time alone with her.  I have really gone Low Low contact (LC).  It's better than the alternative, which is No Contact, I feel. 

Keep posting, and I think you will feel better at least knowing there are others here going through the same thing.  This is your journey, and it can feel overwhelming, exhilerating and nerve-wracking at times, but one thing I can guarentee is you will never be the same again after setting and enforcing boundaries. 



B

Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like you’ve been on this journey for a long time! I absolutely know what you mean when you say, it’s like she reads the same books as you! I have a feeling my sister would be the same! I will look more into establishing boundaries!

Thank you for your support x

Robyn,
re: boundaries.  I have been reading a lot of Julie Hall lately.  I find her pragmatic and this helps, because I doubt myself so much. It really do need people to "tell it to me like it is."

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202009/5-boundary-setting-basics-the-narcissists-in-your-life

Something that struck me about what you said in your initial post, is that you said you're really worried about your sister.  But you also pointed out what a bully she was to you when you were kids.  I'm wondering if like me, maybe you like think this: I'm "just worried" and want to "help" my BPD'd person.  But more likely, it's actually that i'm terrified and thinking "how do I survive this?"

I find boundaries can help when one is really lost.  At least for me it's a starting place.

hope this helps
B