BPDFamily.com

My boyfriend of 4 years has BPD. He was not diagnosed until a year after we were together. After encouraging it for a while and after many complete dangerous meltdowns he looked for a therapist and found one he liked.

At first it seemed great and he was really excited to have found someone he liked and I was pumped but then after 4 weekly sessions things started to get weird around here. He is annoyed and angry more often and is unrelenting. He will say things here and there like "my therapist thinks it's a big problem that you have not seen my parents in a couple of years" I think to myself, "oh really? Because I think we have much bigger problems with you having complete meltdowns every week, and us not having sex for months".

I don't think I am being paranoid -- my intuition is ringing a bell here, I just don't know what the bell means exactly.

I know my boyfriend has an issue with distorting things, and also only thinking about a situation from one side so maybe that is contributing, but I would imagine a therapist with BPD experience would not let that slide... I don't know.

Have any of you had partners start therapy and it made things worse in your relationship?

I'm really sorry you are going through that.  It sounds like you were hopeful that some good therapy would help your boyfriend.  That is a pretty reasonable thing to hope for.

Unfortunately, there are a wide range of therapists and I definitely had an experience in which my (ex) partner's therapist made things worse.  I believe the problem is that the two of them became friends and the therapist did not maintain sufficient boundaries.  It actually seemed like the therapist developed a mother-like protectiveness of my partner.  This became clear when my partner suggested I speak directly to her therapist about our relationship problems, and the therapist started yelling at me and telling me how I needed to change my behavior in order to treat my partner better.  It was completely out of bounds and unlike any therapist I had dealt with before (I've had two of my own and we tried several couples' therapists).

One very tough aspect of having a partner (with or without BPD) in therapy is that you can never really know what is going on in the therapy because of confidentiality.  The most you can do is hope that the therapist will focus on the real issues that need addressing.  But you don't have any control over this, and you don't even have any way to tell your side of the story to your partner's therapist.  Your partner will be telling his side of the story to his therapist, and if your partner is lacking in insight or a real willingness to be open to learning about his own flaws and his own contributions to the problems in your relationship, the therapist might have a limited ability to help because they will be getting exposed to a very limited set of information.  I suspect that this is a particular problem with people with BPD because of their black-and-white thinking, their difficulty stepping back from their own feelings and observing them, and their extreme defensiveness about being confronted with their flaws.

Much like TRB describes so well, we’ve seen other members here have similar experiences.

Not all therapists are skillful in detecting personality disorders, nor in treating them.

That they are getting a skewed interpretation of reality is very possible, especially with high functioning clients.

Roseville, I can relate with your frustrations. My uBPDw has been seeing a therapist recently. I don’t know what is actually said, but I hear things like “my T tells me I need to start acting vindictive like you” or “I’m stupid for not leaving you. Everyone, even my T tells me I should leave you .” I’m not sure if this T has  any experience with BPD or if the T even has a clue that she has BPD. My W is high functioning and can be very convincing and manipulative.
I feel your frustration and I hope things get better for you. Find a way to stay positive and be kind to yourself.

My uBPDw had a big meltdown earlier this year. It resulted in her finding a therapist. It wasn’t by her choosing rather the hospital saying, call this crisis line and they will help. At the time I remember feeling great relief therapy was finally something she would have. I felt like only good will come out of this and I will finally have another person (neutral party) see what I’ve been witnessing. I don’t mean that vindictively I just mean for years I asked her to address her rage to no avail.

It started normally then it quickly morphed into couples therapy. I liked the therapist but it seemed like he missed the mark and gave her a general stamp of ptsd. My role in the relationship was quickly summed up by said therapist as needing to show kindness in the hardest times. While I found this helpful he seemed to deem it a shared marital problem. There’s definitely truth to that but I know there is something deeper to my wife’s behavior. I even brought up the possibility during a solo session that she may have BPD. It was after a terrible fight and I felt hopeless. He basically seemed startled by the implication and said he doesn’t like labels. While I’m no therapist or professional I know and have witnessed years of anger from my wife. I was hoping he’d  pick up on this and dig deeper to help her.

It never happen and after multiple couple sessions he basically said, “if you guys aren’t gonna use my advice I don’t know what else I can do”. He didn’t quit us but as a result we both lost interest and left more confused and frustrated. At least I did. I felt like we broke the therapist. Looking back I think he tried but was just not equipped with what we needed out of his arsenal of tools.

That was about 3 months ago. Things have gotten worse currently. I guess you really have to try multiple fits before settling on one. At least in our case this was true...

a good therapist will do their best to validate a clients point of view, without validating the invalid.

that said, its not uncommon that a client will pick up on a therapists validation, and misrepresent it.


these are both significant problems, no?

 :hi:

I know exactly how you feel.  The distortions of conversations, especially to use as bomb to get you to do what they want you to do.  I used to get knots in my stomach dreading for him to come home from therapy because it was always a complaint against me or my biological kids. He would feel justified in his bad behavior and chronic overreactions because of things his therapist said. And I was always to blame.  I ended up writing his therapist an email telling him I would get emotionally abused after his sessions and surely he wasn't encouraging this.  I asked him to please be careful because my husband twists his words to harm me. My husband abruptly cut off contact with him shortly after.

I can't offer advice, just a supportive story validating your experience.