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In a different post Cat Familiar had mentioned how she responded and then gave her hubby some space when he was starting to slide into dysregulation.

I thought of that post last night when I was faced with a choice.

My wife can sometimes be abrupt and start "telling" instead of "asking" me to do things.  For a while I had a hard boundary on this, many times asking her if she was asking or telling...or responding that I was a husband not an employee...and similar responses.

Things on this and many other fronts have gotten way better.

Anyway...my wife is a teacher and because  of covid spread, her school system is going "virtual" for a couple of weeks.  They will try to go back to in person after Thanksgiving break. 

So the last two or three days have bee a whirlwind for her.

Plus...while hanging out on the couch with her I could tell she didn't feel well (she rarely complains about her health), in fact he came right out and said her tummy was way off.

I tried to be kind and helpful...we had a relaxing bath together and then as we were getting in bed...she started going off.

Bed wasn't made right...who made this bed, why isn't the corner tucked in right...etc etc.  I was already laying down and she told me to get up that we were going to fix the bed (no asking).

I could feel the old response coming up and almost out of my mouth when I was deliberate about pausing and trying to think for a bit.

crazy work life, bad tummy, low on sleep..etc etc...Did I really need to say anything? 

The bed got fixed we both got in, I didn't say anything...eventually wishing her a good night sleep and hoped she felt better. 

It only took me a minute or two to stop fuming internally about the way she spoke to me. 

This morning she felt better...was very snugly. 

I was very happy I had stories from BPDfamily that were fresh and on my mind because without that, I suspect I would have responded in a different way.

Hope this helps encourage others.

Best,

FF

You've probably seen this list of how people move though learning.

Unconscious Incompetence ( "I don't know what I don't know." )

Conscious Incompetence ( "I know what I don't know." )explain

Conscious Competence ( "I know what I know." )

Unconscious Competence ( "I don't know what I know." )

It sounds as if you were in Conscience Competence. What do you think? And how has your journey in BPDFamily helped you get there?

Do you ever have times when you realize you are responding to your wife in an effective way without even knowing you were doing so (Unconscious Competence)?

I think I would agree with this.


Lessons I've learned and keep trying to learn.

1.  Keep moving through conflict/bpdishness stuff.    So...when it comes up, make a decision...either be the teflon man and let is roll off...or address it...or use a boundary.   What I've tried to learn not to do is linger and fume about it...or keep giving it oxygen.

2.  Be conscious about empathy/validation...especially if I'm doing well (not hungry, tired or any of that).


In this case I tried to understand why she was using one of her "go to" tools, not to excuse her behavior but to understand it.  She had a number of reasons stacked up against her and I figured it would be over soon.

My P gave me a funny analogy once.  She said that sometimes I should imagine that she is a small dog that feels the need to bare their teeth and nibble at your ankles.  It sure is annoying..but does it really hurt?  And once they've done their thing they usually calm down and are ready to snuggle.

While last night I was thinking more about Cat's story...my P's analogy wold hold true as well.

The frustration passed and we both got a good nights sleep.

Best,

FF

It’s really affirming to notice when you respond in a different, more effective way than you have done previously.  :wee:

The more tools we have in our emotional toolbox, the better we can tackle any issue. (“If your only tool is a hammer, you treat the world like a nail,” comes to mind.)

It created a good outcome, FF, to do exactly what you did.
1. You recognized that she had some physical and emotional stressors
2. You asked yourself how important was this particular lapse of respect
3. You assessed correctly that it was an inconsequential issue that would quickly pass if not given attention
4. You moved on and let go of any emotional investment
5. You were proven correct in the morning.  |iiii

Great post, FF, and a good real-world example of making conscious choices and heading off escalation.

Things have been rough lately with my H, particularly Mondays and Tuesdays (my days in the office — he has more of a tendency to go off the rails if I’m not there). When I got home last night, I could tell he was a little “off.” He was very negative and passive-aggressive and making some “out there” statements.

I was alert and on the lookout for him to show signs of tipping over, but also consciously didn’t take bait. Instead of correcting or arguing, I was vague, non-committal and nonreactive. He steadied himself and we were able to have a pleasant evening.

A lot of it comes down to knowing our person and reading the signs. Is there some underlying problem that could be triggering him/her? Is this worth arguing about? How in control is he/she?

Requires a lot of thought and awareness but I think it’s valuable.