BPDFamily.com

Hello, here's the short version my wife's mother likely has undiagnosed BPD (she refuses to consider that she could have it b/c of the personality disorder part in the title) how can I ask someone with bpd to get tested for it without upsetting them?

The long version is,
multiple of her therapists have suggested my inlaw might have bpd but she doesn't like the sound of that label (the personality disorder part) so she fires them for the insulting idea and finds a new one.
Our family including my in-laws husband all think she should at least explore the option but she gets verbally abusive if anyone brings it up.
My wife and I have a baby due in 4 months, we want her parents to be apart of our baby's life but my wife is going to therapy because she was emotionally abused from her mother's her whole life. She's summerised it as "Mother's law" You're with her or against her, no middle ground and no negotiation.
We don't want our baby to be raised to see any type of emotional abuse be acceptable. We sparingly see her parents due to her mother's verbal abuse so we need to ask her to start getting better or she can't be apart of our baby's life (fyi my inlaw is already been talking about doing all kinds of things with our baby but we just haven't mentioned to her that she might not be allowed near the baby b/c obviously that would start a huge fight.

How do we ask her to get tested for bpd when she refuses to consider it an option?

Welcome SunsetRain:
Sorry about the situation with your MIL.  It has to be frustrating.


You have no power to change her, but you can set personal boundaries around her undesirable behaviors.  She has to make her own decision that she wants to get help to modify her behaviors.  She either lives with the consequences of her behaviors, or goes for help.  The job of you and your partner is to unite in regard to boundaries you will set and enforce.

It would be good to spend some time getting acquainted with some of the communication tools and strategies available here.  A good place to start is to go to the "Tools" menu, within the large green band towards the top of the page.  A good starting place would be to read about boundaries and Validation/Don't Invalidate

You have to do things that are within your control and set boundaries that you have control over.  You can set boundaries in regard to behaviors you are exposed to:
i.e.

• Until MIL is able to demonstrate that she can control her temper, she will not be alone with the baby. (or whatever the issue (s) are)
• If you are at her home & she goes into emotional dysregulation, you can say something like, "We can see you are having a bad day, we are leaving.  We will be in touch when you are feeling better."
• If she acts out at your house, you need to ask her to leave, in as kind a way as possible. i.e: We care about you and want you to get help with your emotional control, but we choose to NOT be around you with this behavior.  We are asking you to leave.  We can get together some other time, when you are calm and we can have a pleasant visit.

What are some of her worst problem behaviors?

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for your kind advice.

Can you share details of the conversations where she is "talking about doing things with the baby"?

she said...you guys said...she said...that kind of thing.

The sooner you are consistent in responses, the better.

I'll wait on details before providing further advice...I'm glad you found us!

Best,

FF