BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I’m a first time poster and I hope I’m not breaking any rules here.

I’ve (32m) been married to my wife (31f) for about a month and dating her for four years. Since the wedding, I’ve noticed her seeming more and more unhappy and more and more likely to react disproportionately.

We’ve struggled with hypercriticism and emotional volatility for much of the relationship. I feel so dumb, but yesterday may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.

I got a raise on Friday, and last night I was telling her about my plan to pay off the rest of my car loan more aggressively (under $3k to go and I’m debt-free!). She cut in and told me I should save more for retirement instead of paying off debt. For context, I’ve struggled to save for most of my adult life but proudly told her I’ve increased my savings to $2,000 in the bank, not counting stocks or investments! I really feel proud of my financial health.

Her response is still ringing in my ears: “You’re 32 and you only have $2,000 in savings?” There was disdain in her voice and I felt judged and shamed. When I tried to tell her my feelings were hurt, she was frustrated with me: she didn’t want to have a serious talk, it was my fault for bringing up money, and all she wanted was to watch a funny movie.

It came up again later and she told me I was picking fights and “clearly not in a state to have this conversation.” She made me say I wasn’t mad anymore and I wouldn’t bring it up again later; I feel stupid for falling for emotional blackmail, but I knew if I didn’t I was in for a meltdown.

Later that night, as we got into bed together, she collapsed into tears when she realized I needed to feel comforted and instead felt attacked. I put my arm around her to comfort her, but that just made it worse: now she felt ashamed because I could comfort her in times of need, something she couldn’t do for me.

I know her childhood was hard, I know she never had healthy relationships modeled, and I know she’s hurtful because she’s hurting. None of that changes how I feel: hurt and exhausted and empty and alone.

I don’t know what to do. The woman I married is becoming less and less like the woman I feel in love with. I’m in therapy, she’s in therapy, and we’re in couple’s therapy. She’s been diagnosed and is actively working on herself, but I fear her therapist only hears one side of our dynamics.

I’m in a great place: finally on the right medication for my anxiety and medication, on a good track professionally, in the best shape of my life. My friends love and respect me, and I communicate with people for a living. My wife is the only person I know who treats me this way, the only person who I can’t de-escalate.

She treats her friends with so much love and compassion. Sometimes she treats me that way. She tells me every day she loves me, and I feel like every week she’ll say she’s on the verge of a breakthrough, just about to finally break through her trauma. She’s such a remarkable person and I respect her so much for the work she does, but I’m tired of being her emotional lightning rod. No matter how many times we have this talk, sooner or later we’re back: I get hurt, she gets triggered, and I end up being the one to comfort her.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m in over my head. I can’t love her mental illness away. What if marrying her was a mistake?

I’m working my way through Quit Walking on Eggshells at my therapist’s recommendation. I’m working on myself. I just don’t know if I have the strength to endure this.

Hi argharghargh - Welcome!


I'm sorry she invalidated you.  It's great that you are being financially responsible!  Unfortunately, people with BPD traits aren't usually good at validating, comforting others

It's only 3K, so it's not as if you were paying off 300K, before adding to savings.  Financial strategy is something couples should discuss before marriage, as it can be the source of a lot of disputes and there can be pros and cons to both POV's (depending on additional facts)

Congrats on all your accomplishments!  Good job!

 It can be hard understand how someone with BPD/BPD traits could treat the most important person/people in their life the way they do.  They can tend to contain their emotional dysregulation with most people and then dump their feelings where they feel the most comfortable - that's with you.

 Never validate a fact that isn't true.  It can help to validate her "feelings" (or at least NOT invalidate her feelings).  You will never change anything for the better, if you validate false information.  You don't want to argue & JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend & Explain).  The best strategy can be to state your position, indicate you won't engage in further argument about it.  Then walk away.

When you start enforcing your boundaries, you will likely get backlash.  The important thing is to consistently enforce your boundaries, or else you won't ever be successful.

 
Are there 3 different therapists?

Is she learning DBT, mindfulness skills & ways to manage her own emotions and self soothe in healthy ways?

You have to be able to discuss situations like: "She made me say I wasn’t mad anymore and I wouldn’t bring it up again later"  It will be uncomfortable, but if you don't discuss these things that bother you a lot, they will never change.  You might consider discussing this with your therapist first & prepare to discuss it in a joint session.  

Certainly having emotionally immature and/or abusive parents is a hinderance to someone's emotional development.  In many instances, you have to consider what came first, the chicken or the egg.  You have to consider that there is more than just environmental issues that factor into your partner's behavior. Some genetic component - either with brain chemistry and/or brain wiring could be an additional factor.

I congratulate you for taking responsibility for your anxiety and successfully managing it.  Unfortunately, as you know, you can't fix someone else.  Use your therapists to your advantage and do your best to set boundaries and put in your best effort to make it work.  If it doesn't work out, if she can't change for the better, then you have some decisions to make.  One question to seriously explore is whether you want to have children with her, from a behavioral aspect as well as a genetic aspect.