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I believe my elderly mother is uBDP.  About 2 years ago I went NC after I refused to loan/give her any more money.  She blew up on me called me a "piece of s***", said my wife was useless, f***ing stupid a**, "you think you're better than the rest of your family will you freaking spend the rest of your life without us then, she said she is done with me, go to hell, kiss her a** and get out of my life, "You don't deserve a mother that loves you", etc.  Anything to try to get me to react.  I told her how I felt and said we should go to therapy and she did not want to do that. 

The only contact in 2 years has been her occasional "FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt)" emails / text messages.  I use to get the shakes, heart racing, etc. when I got those messages (kind of like PTSD).  Before the NC the messages would come in at least once a week.  I got therapy which allows me to handle these messages much better now but they still bother me (especially when the holidays come). 

The newest message (the first in maybe 6 months) is her typical FOG.  You have money and she doesn't.  If you cared for me you would have gave me money.  You only care about money.  That is the only thing you care about.  Since you didn't give me money I had to lose my house.  You have no compassion/love for my family.  You never came and visited me when I was sick.  I do not send cards, contact her, etc.  I hope you will at least pay for my funeral.  I owe her that much.  Good bye and I hope you a better life than me.  She use to be proud of me but she no longer is.

At no time in the past 2 years was there a messages other than the FOGs.  She never asked how I was doing, that she want to work something out, go to therapy, etc.  It has always been the FOG.  Even when my best friend died, it was about her.  She did not ask how I was handling it, if I was okay, etc

I am a rational / logical person.  She is an emotional person.  My logical side wants comment on her newest FOG.  The logical side wants to to re-explain myself to her again.  But I feel this is her trying to bait me into the trap again.  I have a good feeling if I response the weekly FOG nightmare will happen all over again.

The holidays are always tough.  I am in NC with my entire side of the family.  When I grew up my family was only my sister and mother.  Now I don't have that.  I do have my wives family so I can spend time with them but it's rough each year.    I love my mom and sister greatly but NC seems to be better for my mental health.  If I talk to my sister it becomes an emotional triangle (which I can no longer handle).

I think I just needed to vent my emotions to people who are experiencing the same issues.  Make sure I am not going insane.  Sometimes I think I am getting Gaslighted.

Hi MrHT,

I can relate to your entire situation.  I used to also physically shake when I got my Mom's letters or birthday cards.  When I was NC I threw them in the trash without opening them.  7 years of no contact.  I also went no contact with my entire FOO at that time.  I completly relate to you.

I guess looking back, and also reading your story, I am a little miffed.  I am mad at myself for dissociating.  I'm mad at myself for checking out.  Yes, I can see the good things about having experienced trauma, it made me who I am today (I am a wonderful story teller, my husband tells me all the time how hilarious I am). 

When you grow up checking out to survive, you have a rich rich creative life.  In your own mind of course  lol

I am mad, but then I try to see the gifts.  I have empathy.  I cry when I see someone else hurting.  I cried when a woman won the vice presidency.   I cry for all the underdogs out there like me, so in a way, my mom's treatment of me was really a gift.  Afterall, I wouldn't be who I am if it were not for her.

please share more, I am totally getting you

b

You would think if someone wanted to get back together there would be no FOG.  Something like, "I miss you, can we figure out how to get this to work between us."  or "Hey, I was thinking of you. How you been?  Can we talk sometime?"  "Your best friend died.  I'm sorry to hear that.  How you holding up?"

Not, insult my family.  Or say "I hope you enjoy your money because I know that is the only thing that makes you happy.  "I did everything for you and you turned your back on me".  "You don't deserve a family just us".  "I hope you will at least pay for my funeral.  I deserve at least that much".

I couldn't imagine talking to anyone that way.  I never talked to her that way.  All her correspondence seem to be venomous. 

The problem with BPD is that their way of thinking is distorted.  Not sometimes, but ALL the time.  How they bring meaning to the words and actions of others is distorted.  They see things differently than we do.  They aren't generally capable of empathy, and they generally don't have problem solving skills in their relationships. So they aren't capable of saying the things we want them to say, and which would come natural to most non pwBPD's.  Instead, they attack us because it's probably the behavior they learned from their FOO in their childhood. If this is how they learned to survive in their childhood (and developed BPD), they carry those same strategies into their adulthood.  

It's a symptom of her own insecurities and fears. A deep self-loathing.  To survive, she projects all those feelings about herself onto you.  
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0
This might sound incredible to you, but "don't take it personally".  I know the first time someone told me that on this board, I thought they had to be wrong because I knew my mom better than they did.  But I've learned some things, and I know that person was right.  It feels personal, and it hurts so bad.  But it's not really personal.  If you weren't there for her to dump on, she would do it to someone else (and probably does), because that's what she has to do to unload all those bad feelings about herself.  Mantra 1:  "It's not personal".  Mantra 2: "it's the disease saying those things (not my mom)." It helps me to think of the disease and my mom as being two separate entities that share the same body. Mantra 3 "I am a good person".

If it looks like gaslighting and smells like gaslighting, it's probably gaslighting.  I'm glad you've found us here.  It's a safe place to vent, and find people with similar experiences.  It's been a game changer for me.

True love is unconditional, and certainly without demands and insults.  I hope you can see that those are shaming insults.

OK..so some things to clarify.

Since going NC you have continued to read what she communicates to you but you don't (and haven't) respond to her..correct? 

So...now you are wondering if if the conversation might go differently/somehow be productive?  (do I have this right?)

It sounds like your decision for NC with you sibling happened at a different time.  When was that?  Very wise/insightful of you to recognize the triangle.

If you did break NC, what would you like to say?  What would you like her to do/say in response?

From there...I think we can guide you better...

Best,

FF

"Since going NC you have continued to read what she communicates to you but you don't (and haven't) respond to her..correct?"

I do read what she says.  I probably shouldn't but I always wonder if it will be a text her finally trying to get better or about about my sister health (she is not doing well).  I do not reply to her messages (unless they are not FOGed).  Only one was not FOG (my friend dying) and I did reply nicely but she did not reply.

So...now you are wondering if if the conversation might go differently/somehow be productive?  (do I have this right?)

Since the last message was so nasty I know responding will do me no good.  It will just become her raging at me.  My mind wants to defend itself but I know that will just start a war so I just keep my mouth shut.

It sounds like your decision for NC with you sibling happened at a different time.  When was that?  Very wise/insightful of you to recognize the triangle.

Thank you for the compliment.  I have be LC with my sister.  I love my sister greatly and I do talk to her when she contacts me.  Most of the time lately I only get funny links or a one line comments from her.   Which I always respond to but I never hear back from her.   She and I are close and she is never hurtful towards me.  But I don't initiate conversations with her, probably due to fear of what the triangle might bring.  I am not sure if that is "right" for me to do that.  My sister also has some demons she is trying to over come. 

If you did break NC, what would you like to say?  What would you like her to do/say in response?

My gut would be to defend myself but at this point that would not be useful or productive for me.  It would just fan the flames.  I would like to say I love her and what she says is hurtful (but I have done that in past and it was not productive).  I would like her to not FOG and say lets get theory together (but that will not happen).

You are being gaslighted for sure, as you suspected. You have tremendous strength in going no contact with your side of the family. I am in the process of going fully no contact with most of my relatives. You think you are being baited. You might want to look at Dr. Ramani's youtube videos on baiting and gaslighting.

It sounds like you have thought this through and have been consistent.  FOG = no reply and no fog= reply.

That should work.

Something to reflect on...how do you feel after reading what she sends?  Do you read it right away or do you find a special time to read them?

I understand the desire to keep a connection and read the messages (so I'm not criticizing that in the least)..I also wan to make sure the impact/cost of reading FOG is minimized on you.

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Best,

FF