BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone.

I just got off the phone with my BPD partner of 3 years, and he just broke up with me again. I’m so hurt and had no where to turn, so I ended up on this thread. Apologies in advance because this is long...

Things were okay between us. A bit rocky but the last few days were really good. He had a little split last week but we worked through it and it got better.

My family was asking if he wanted to be part of our Secret Santa for Christmas this year. I asked him 2 days ago and told him it would mean the world to me. He said “count me in!”. He sent a bunch of sweet messages yesterday. Then today I hadn’t heard from him so I just called him to see if he wanted to have dinner together.

He was strange and distant and just said “I don’t know. I’m feeling really anxious about us and our relationship status”. So we talked. Apparently the idea of Secret Santa with my family has him all freaked out. He thinks it will imply that we’re in a “serious” relationship. I told him any relationship of 3 years is probably pretty serious.

He started saying all these things (things I’ve heard MANY times, by the way) about how he thinks he should be alone; how he’s not ready to settle down yet; he’s not ready for a “serious” relationship; he needs to focus on himself, his career, his son, etc. How he thinks we’re only together because we’re too afraid of being alone, but he’s also terrified to not have me in his life. How he keeps relying on me to “save” him when things get tough and he wants to work them out on his own. How he’s not ready to get married again (his last marriage was a mess but I have NO expectations of getting married anytime soon) but if that’s not the end goal, then what are we even doing? Etc. Etc. It was a LOT.

Then he just said that he can’t keep hurting me like this, with all of this back and forth, and ended it (again).

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard these exact same things come out of his mouth. This is how every break-up starts with us. I should also point out that we’ve broken up at the EXACT same time last year and the year before. Winter and holidays seem to overwhelm him.

This is a cycle for us. And he always, always comes back when he feels better and calms down.

I got upset and told him that I feel so sad and disappointed because everytime this happens, it hurts me SO much. And I’m sick of getting tossed out the window everytime things get hard or he gets scared of commitment. I told him I was really sad because I felt like we were going to figure it out and that we could have a much happier and healthier relationship if we just DID THE WORK to make it better.

He agreed and said he saw us figuring it out too but he was scared to do the work. Scared to face the challenges and face himself.

I’m just devastated. We’ve been through SO much just this last month and heartbroken- I feel like I’ve lost everything. Emotions aside though, I know I can’t keep living in these cycles. I don’t want to lose him but maybe he needs to lose me in order for him to actually make a change.

I don’t know what to do. He might call in the morning and take everything back and apologize, or this might be it. Either way, it hurts so much right now. Part of me wants to just tell him not to come back into my life until he’s ready to go to therapy with me, and show me he really loves me, but of course, I’m terrified to let go.

I don’t want this to be the end but I don’t know how to keep going.  :help:

its a pretty strong reaction, for sure.


why do you think he says them? what do you think brings him back?

Thanks for your reply!

My theory is that he says all of these things because he’s afraid of being engulfed in another relationship. His childhood was controlled by his narcissistic mother and then his first wife was EXTREMELY controlling.

I think he just wants to know he can be independent and fend for himself. I don’t think he sees that sometimes being supported by a loved one is necessary. He doesn’t want to rely on me to “fix” his problems for him. He pushes against us so that he can’t be engulfed or controlled.

Then he comes back because he calms down and realizes that he actually is alone now and he doesn’t want that either. He realizes how much he misses me and misses all the fun we have together.

That’s just my theory anyway!