BPDFamily.com

Hi!

Sorry for the long post, I am looking for advice. I have been for the last 7 years in relation with a BPD partner, on and off on treatment but generally in a great relationship since 2016. We had a child that is less than 2 years old. We only broke up once and had been back together in a few days.

Since March and COVID, we have had all the possible stress ; health, tasks, financial, parenting, housing, foreseen passing of a central family member, etc. We increasingly fought on those issues, but remained nonetheless loving and functioning couple. We had a final fight on those issues, both exhausted, in which I was painted black as something that I am not to which I said that I loved her, but that she needed to leave. I later regretted those words and told her. This triggered something deep emotionally, as the week prior she was still telling me that she wanted more children, wanted me to marry her and was scared of me leaving her. She left for her parents place and requested a week to think.

As 2-3 days passed, she went 180 degrees totally, telling me that she didn't love me anymore, and that as a matter of facts, she never did. She is now living with her parent, which she periodically has been fighting with in the past. I doubt that she can be financially independent in the near future, since she wanted to quit her job to study 4 years ago, studies which she in turn hated, to then go back to said job presently but under pressure to complete her schooling in allowed time. She keeps on changing her mind and attitude towards me since, going from cold to sorry, on and off.

I try to maintain NC, but given the kid and the temporary custody, I have to maintain minimal contact. I want to save my family, but this is a paradox in those circumstances.  

Any advice is welcome!

Hey Robert,

Sorry to read you're going through that.

However, what is your goal? Here at the detaching board you'll get great advice on how to do that, but it sounds like maybe you need to be hearing how to repair the relationship?

As for some of the things you wrote, it certainly sounds like you triggered her fear of abandonment and that her defence mechanism is in full swing (aka, painting you black and abandoning you with phrases such as "I never loved you"). This is a coping mechanism found in a lot of BPD stories.

However, you had - through simply being a decent partner - already triggered her fear of engulfment as evidenced by the fact she was afraid of you leaving her (and who will she be if you do that?).  

Hi,

This is really why I need advice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have seen what coparenting with a BPD can be like, and I wish the best for my son since he is already confused and affected by the situation. Given her present situation, I don't see how it is a healthy choice. On the other hand, how can I go back to somebody who keeps on changing his mind and also tells me, even if out of anger or crisis, that she had a child, wished for two more and wanted marriage while not loving me?

Hi,

This is really why I need advice. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I have seen what coparenting with a BPD can be like, and I wish the best for my son since he is already confused and affected by the situation. Given her present situation, I don't see how it is a healthy choice. On the other hand, how can I go back to somebody who keeps on changing his mind and also tells me, even if out of anger or crisis, that she had a child, wished for two more and wanted marriage while not loving me?

Hey Robert, I'm sorry to hear about your situation.  Is the basic question whether you should return to your BPD partner?  Have you already made a decision?  Like a lot of things in life, it's a mixed bag and there is no easy answer.  What are your gut feelings?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

Sure,

Basically a part of me wants to have a "normal family" for my child and I do believe that you should fight the good fight for loved ones when problems occurs in a relationship in order to solve them.

We agreed to go to couples therapy, even if she already left, which in itself confuses me. I also had to give her a deadline to pick up her belongings as she refuses to do so. She keeps on telling me that separation is an ''ongoing'' process and that it is never black or white, whatever this means. I have more self respect than that, and tell her that once she made a choice to leave me, she has to face the music and actually completely leave. I am setting boundaries, which I never did before, and she is using this against me claiming that I do it out of anger.

As much as I go deeper into therapy tho, I keep on learning that there is nothing rational in her thinking. It is a mix of emotions, lies, accusations,  guilt, shame and projection. This process confirmed that I have about -700/10 confidence in her.

As much as I pull away, she keeps on telling me, that I am the mentally ill one, that I am kicking her out of the house, that I am manipulative because of my anger of losing her (which is totally insane since she left me telling me that she never loved me!).

I would like to remove her completely from my life, but this is not possible because of the coparenting. I don't see myself ever having thrust in her either. I do not know what to do.

first and foremost, work the coparenting tools on the family law/coparenting board. this wont be easy, and they will be like a lifeline.


i suspect this does indeed stem from both righteous anger, and also feelings of a need to take some power back.

perhaps the hardest thing to do, when youre navigating a divorce, custody, etc, is to let go of all of the conflict from the relationship. to switch into a more solutions oriented mode.

take it from a guy that tried to put the breakup (i was dumped) on his own terms, in the name of self respect.

the exchange of belongings is hard. its an emotional and physical drain, at best, and at worst, its a signal that the relationship is really over...something that either party may not be prepared to just jump into. in fact, as hard as i tried, i never made it happen with my ex.

if you are dead set on removing her belongings (i would give it more time and not force it), put them in storage. pay for the space for a month or two. pack them up delicately, let her know, give her access.

Thank you Once removed,

Thank you for the indication for the toolkit. Indeed this will be the main challenge for a while.

I feel pretty confident that I want her out of my life since this is the only way to heal for me and to move on. She will always remain untrustworthy, selfish, entitled and destructive even if she would claim otherwise and I have seen the light on that. 

I am curious, why would you delay the exchange of belongings? In my situation, I own about everything and the house. Most of her stuff is either personal items or furniture that she doesn't even use (not to say junk to be polite). I feel that this is her way to try to stay in my life and she would keep it here for years if left to her own device (she admitted so). She keeps on saying that she wants us to have a good relation, even though she did and say terrible things to which she is unable to either truly apologies or take ownership. However, she doesn't respect any boundaries and whenever I am firm on them, she claims that I am angry of losing her and that I am the mentally ill one. She also claims to be cured of BPD, which is bananas since she is in full swing since COVID... 

 :help:

Hi,

To update, she came to pick up her things with her parent and it was utter chaos. I was angry, she tried to play victim then reverted to shaming me when that didn't work, her parents yelled at me because she wanted to leave stuff on the curb and I refused.

I do feel totally drained to be honest. We are going to go in mediation as soon as possible for a clear written custody settlement and I want to move in with my life without her dark soul in it. I feel has if my last 7 years were all a big lie. A friend of her's told me that she used me for safety and stability only (and told other people too in the past), confirmed that she never loved me... How do these people live with themselves? She will go on like nothing happened while I feel like an idiot for falling for it. 

Hey Robert, Sorry to hear about the drama when she returned to pick up her things, yet it sounds like you maintained good boundaries about her not leaving stuff on the curb.

It's normal to feel drained during a b/u with a pwBPD.  My advice is to stay above the fray and decline to participate in future drama.  She will likely try to bait you in the mediation so be prepared and don't engage.  (I should know, because that happened to me).


No, you're not an idiot.  Who knew about BPD?  Don't beat yourself up.

LJ

Hi LJ,

Thanks for the answer.

As for the mediation, I work in the legal field myself so I am ready to go guns blazing if needed to. In my country, the only aspect is child custody and child support. The default is 50/50 and the rest is fixed by law... She does not want to go to trial with me.

What kind of bait would she try to put forth?
 

Hey Robert,

You know her better that I do, but in general those w/BPD can zero in on any perceived weakness.  She may say hurtful or insulting things in order to get you to lose your cool.  She will probably try to provoke you.

Your task is to disregard any attacks and keep your composure.  Don't react to her taunts!

Mediation works well with reasonable parties, but my BPDxW was totally unreasonable so in my case mediation proved unsuccessful and a waste of time.

LJ

Thanks for the answer,

I will follow your advice and remain firm.

She recently took a very quiet and sad attitude with me out of the blue since she left and I have strict boundaries... I will see how she fares in mediation, I on my part feel confident in my position. For some reason out of my understanding, she keeps on insisting that we continue therapy together ''for good communication'' even tho we are at the mediation stage.