BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone, I'm looking for advice on how to handle stalemates between my husband (uPBD) and me.

First, I try to avoid stalemates and just go along with whatever if it's not that big of a deal to me, but there are some things where I feel I need to stand up for my needs.

There are times when we want the complete opposite thing. A recent example, to put away his boxes of protein bars that have been accumulating on the dining table for weeks now. Those are his work lunches and the manufacturer keeps having sales so he keeps buying them when they are discounted. I have two empty drawers in a dresser they can move into. He told me he doesn't want those boxes moved and I can't touch them.

It's basically, "I want them put away" and "Well, I want them to stay where they are"... no tie breaker.

There's other things piling up in the dining room which I haven't even addressed yet since my request to put away those boxes took off like a lead balloon.

We have a 900 sq ft house, clutters and messes make me anxious and hard to focus, and the small rooms amplify the messes. Everywhere I look, it's disorganization and clutter. This entire house is an ugly cacophony of sights. It grates on me but the messes don't bother him. He says that they bother me is a "me" problem and I just need to get over it. (but also, when I do clean, he finds ways to criticize how I did it, such as how I filled the dishwasher).

I feel like my only options are 1) to just clean that PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) up when he's at work (I work remotely), or 2) just let it ride and if he bitches about how we have to eat Thanksgiving dinner sitting on the couch, like every damn meal we eat, I'll point out the fact that his boxes are hogging up the dining table; if only he'd cleaned up. I guess I could also sleep in the spare bedroom citing his lack of empathy and compassion as reasons for why I don't want to share a bed with him right now, but that will trigger his fear of abandonment and lead to him monologuing about all the ways I'm a horrible wife and that he wants a divorce.

a relationships ability to survive lies in how the two parties resolve conflict.

some couples fight a lot...more than normal, and yet, thrive, as a couple.

this is, frankly, a fairly ordinary marital conflict. but one that persists, and causes each of you stress.


part of your frustration may lie in both of your approaches to this conflict. hes not handling this in a mature way (its your problem), but neither are you. there are other options.

on the surface, your proposed resolutions are both borne of resentment...either i take care of it (get rid of it) or leave it and then blame him about thanksgiving (passive aggression). you take this to the point of sleeping in another room and when he asks why, citing his lack of empathy and compassion (passive aggression).

communication and conflict resolution are really the things the two of you are at odds over, no?

I would also add that it appears to not be about a "particular" mess, although the protein bars are a glaring example.  A small house an lots of messes result in stress for you..right?  Isn't that getting somewhat closer to the core or a core issue.

Flip this around. 

Let's say he put away the protein bars exactly as you wanted...exactly..., yet nothing else changed.  How do you suppose your stress level would respond?

I'll give an example of how something similar was handled in my house.  We had a group of shelves in the office.  My habit is to place things in a certain way and then use them over time.  Perhaps I'm really focused on something else so the thing kinda gets put back in the right area, but maybe not exactly (yet I know exactly where it is)

Once I have a hard time finding something when I'm looking for it, that's my cue to stop soon and focus on organization. 

My wife is BPDish from time to time and she organizes to solve emotional stuff (actually has been able to have the insight to say this).  So it would seem really random to me.  Plus..her organizing my stuff led to me not finding it and my productivity tanking.

So...I proposed she pick the shelves (we have an even number) that she wants to use in whatever way she see's fit and I'll use the rest in my way (with the pledge to leave each others shelves alone). 

To her credit...she eventually stopped grumping about it and picked.  Like magic...I could consistently find my stuff again.  Plus...I try to up my game to keep my stuff looking better.

Bottom line:  Each of you needs space "to be yourself".  Maybe that's the conversation to focus on. 

Best,

FF