BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I know we’re all familiar with our BPD loved ones and their outward black and white thinking. But I’m curious what I can do when he paints himself black?

He’s been going through a self-proclaimed “identity crisis” during his first year of university as an adult (he’s 31). Most of his classes are very heavy- learning  about racism, privilege, gender and sexuality roles in society. These are all very important things that we should ALL be learning about, but he has 4/5 classes that are discussing these same topics all day, every day.

He’s now questioning everything about himself and is realizing that he’s a pretty flawed human, just like the rest of us. He’s learning new ways of thinking and expanding his empathy. I think it’s great that he’s learning so much but he’s really struggling lately.

ANYWAY, I say this because lately, he’s been doing a lot of B&W thinking towards himself. If he gets a bad grade from his professor, he thinks he is dumb, stupid, and needs to quit school immediately. On a larger scale, if he says one off-beat thing or has a judgemental thought, he’ll say things like “I’m realizing I’m a misogynist” or “I’m a narcissist”.

Obviously I’m not in his head (or a professional therapist) so I don’t know if he actually IS these things, but it’s definitely confusing to hear him say that and I don’t know how to react.

A more profound example is one time he saw a punch buggy (our favourite driving game) and he got all goofy and clocked me a little TOO hard. He’s never ever hit me, physically hurt or intimidated me, or even raised his voice at me. But I was angry with him and told him to never  do that again. At first, he apologized but then immediately said “I’m just an abuser. It’s who I am. I’m abusive and I won’t change”. He later apologized once more and promised he would never do that again.

It leaves me feeling dumbfounded when he says these things. It just feels like this is a very black and white way of thinking. Like, he gets one idea or one criticism and that’s it- that’s his new identity.

Is this common? What can I do about it? What can I say when he says things like this? And most importantly, how do I know if it’s true or not?

Thanks for reading!

I think it's not very uncommon among pwBPD. My boyfriend says things like these, too. And most of the time, I don't know how to answer, because things like "no babe, you're not dumb, you're such a great mana" doesn't work and makes him angry. Try some sentences like "aw I can understand, I feel dumb too, when I get a bad grade, but this is just a grade I'm sure you do better next time, I believe in you, everyone gets bad grades".
Hope this can help a little bit. ❤️