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Title: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: guitarguy09 on November 29, 2020, 01:20:29 AM It's been a while since I posted here.
I'll start with the good news. I got a new job! I'm much less stressed and it is going to help us financially as well with even better possibilities down the road. Finances have been a stressor for several years. My ubpd W however is not doing so good. While I am celebrating, she has been having a really hard time with business closures and lockdowns etc. We like to go to movies and go out to eat, both of which are closed for the next few weeks at least. Even worse, she blames my family and a couple of my close friends for these measures because they are more Covid aware than others. I try to tell her it is not their fault but to no avail. Anyone else experience this? I am not super paranoid about Covid but much more understanding that people can have different viewpoints. Title: Re: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: Cat Familiar on December 07, 2020, 09:29:30 PM It’s a stressful time for everyone. Perhaps not engaging with her when she is blaming others might be a good strategy.
Title: Re: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: guitarguy09 on December 12, 2020, 07:32:05 AM It’s a stressful time for everyone. Perhaps not engaging with her when she is blaming others might be a good strategy. That's a good idea, thanks. It is a tough time and I'm hopeful things will get better next year. Title: Re: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: guitarguy09 on December 12, 2020, 07:35:45 AM On another note, we've had a consistent problem at least the last couple of years where she always accuses me of never listening to her or talking to her even though I honestly try my best when she wants to talk. I listen to her and then try to tell her what I think and I think she just seems to not like what I have to say or dismisses it. I don't think our marriage is going to make it long term but I'm so frustrated with her I'm not sure I care that much.
Any ideas? Title: Re: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: Cat Familiar on December 12, 2020, 12:37:22 PM Check out this link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy and this one: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating
You don’t have to agree with her. She just wants to be heard and feel like her opinion is valid. You may feel it’s loony, but all you need to convey is that you understand what she thinks. Perhaps at some point your communication will be better and she will have a real interest in your opinion. However at this point, she probably thinks your opinion only serves to cancel hers. Title: Re: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: guitarguy09 on December 13, 2020, 09:30:38 AM Ok thank you! We talked yesterday about the need to talk more on a regular basis (hear her talk). I hope we can accomplish this.
Title: Re: W having very tough time with lockdown and blaming my family and friends Post by: Rev on December 13, 2020, 09:42:54 AM Ok thank you! We talked yesterday about the need to talk more on a regular basis (hear her talk). I hope we can accomplish this. Yes... Cat has given you great guidance here. And it is not easy to "be" in such tense circumstances. And... so maybe focus on being able to accomplish just a little bit of this at a time. And ... be aware of your internal sense of peace. When you can't feel it, likely it's not coming across. And when it gets invaded, like someone putting their hand in the cookie jar, protect it by becoming stoic. Eventually you'll come to a clearing where how to act will more evident. Truly - one step at time. Peace be yours in your heart - for you and through you. Rev |