BPDFamily.com

Hi there,

First time posting...I'm in the process of going through a horrific divorce process with my ex who has BPD. We have a 3 year old child with a chronic health issues and I have been his primary caregiver in every way. Now that we are divorcing, my ex wants "50/50" time with him and equal involvement with all of his medical decision making. The problem is that my ex not only has BPD, but also struggles with addiction to alcohol, and severe ADHD. Time and time again she has proven she is not capable of keeping our child healthy and safe. I've suggested short, frequent visits (3x a week for a 3 hours) but she keeps pushing for overnights and "equal time."

We have developed progressive parenting plans based around her sobriety (the longer she's sober, the more time she gets unsupervised) but has anyone ever developed a progressive parenting plan for BPD or other mental health needs? When she is getting good care (regular therapy, the right medications, good sleep routines, not drinking) she can be fairly stable, but that has never lasted more than a few months at a time.

We've had a Guardian ad Litem suggest she can only have him up to 8 hours, we've tried mediation, and many other negotiations to avoid a very expensive and lengthy trial, but she does not see herself the way others do.

Open to advice or feedback or even comradery,

Nita

Having a GAL is your best position.

Have you gone through a full custody evaluation to include a psychological eval?

The BPD mom usually see herself as the best parent.  Doesn't matter how much you argue the opposite, the BPD won't understand it. They live in what seems a different reality.

Not sure how it works where you are but if the state pays for the GAL, I'd let the GAL fight that battle.  Negotiations are unlikely to lead anywhere.  Yes, you'll have to pay for your lawyer and things will take forever, but don't hope too much from mediation.

Be careful about pushing for too many visits.  Every time the child goes to visit mom, they'll likely be stressed the day before and stressed the day after and you'll have to deal with this.  Not fun and I speak from experience.  You can't fix the mom, and yes, while mom should play a role in their life, don't try to force that.  Kids need stability first.  A BPD parent is completely the opposite. 

I'm so glad you have a GAL!

Last year we moved to have my stepdaughter (SD13) limited to seeing her uBPDmom for 8-hr stretches every other Saturday and Sunday.  SD13 really likes being able to come home and recharge/rebalance herself on Saturday night before seeing mom again on Sunday.

Our custody decree has a step-down provision.  mom does not have issues with alcohol or drugs, but her BPD is pretty strong.  We made a list of harmful behaviors that mom has done in the past, and if she does any of them, she steps down to lesser custody or supervised visitation.  We thought we had done a pretty good job of writing the provisions, but they were a little too specific, so mom has been able to work around them.  ("Don't disparage H's family or mine"...but we forgot to include mom's parents, and mom disparages them to SD all the time)

Your child is young.  It is very likely that you'll need to adjust the custody schedule in a few years as his needs change and as your soon-to-be-ex deals with parenting an older child.  So this custody decision doesn't have to be the end-all and be-all.

We've been in and out of court for the last 2.5 years and mom *still* thinks she's the best parent, that we conspired with SD's therapist to try to "wean SD off of " mom, that we are, in general, crappy parents, and that SD *really* wants to live with mom.  All of these points are untrue.  It's crazymaking.