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Im a 35 male straight for reference. This is going to be long so i appreciate anyone that takes the time to read and respond. I was going through a breakup from a 2 year relationship with "jessica" and me and a coworker of 8 years " sara" were getting really close as she was also going through a breakup with "Joe" and she was a very positive fun person to be around. I dont jump from person to person so we were just friends and i needed time to process my previous relationship so tried to keep my distance for two months as my ex sarah was still pursuing reconcilliation while also triangulating me with a new guy and sending me pictures of them. It was messing me up. Me and Sara started hanging out outside of work and going for walks in parks and drinks and she was just the sweetest person, she had a crush on me for years and I guess she saw this as an opportunity. I wasnt ready for anything from anyone i needed time but she was very pushy. She stayed over on the weekends on the couch and was just always there for anything. As weeks went by we became romantic and she was full speed ahead sexually and emotionally although getting angry at weird things. I remember taking a shower for 10 minutes and coming out and there would be texts from her: 8:00pm "hey what are you up to", 8:02 " guess you dont want to talk to me anymore", 8:05 " im blocking you i cant believe you messed with my head". And she would block me. Then unblock me hours later. I would come out and respond and say what on earth are you talking about i was in the shower your acting so weird i dont really understand. ive never seen someone act that way.This was just the beginning. She would block me while sitting next to me having drinks with friends if something set her off. i would kid around with her about silly things like crushing a water bottle and say damn whatd that thing do to you. picking up popcorn off the livingroom floor after a movie. shed be in and out of the bathroom in 30 seconds and there would be pee on the floor or dripping on the lid so i told her to just slow down in life and relax. Each example she would curse me out and leave mad then block me then the next day apologize. I told her the blocking is crazy and i dont understand. She said she blocks people so she cant be nasty to them. or listen to nasty messages. I didn't send any ever. She said it was from her previous relationship. Then at points told me shes always done that. One time her friend text her changing plans because of her four kids. Sarah took it wrong and blocked her. Like she blocks people all the time then unblocks them. I said you misinterpreted what you friend was saying, she said oh your right and unblocked them(these are lifelong 15 year friends only 5 and maybe they just are ok with how she is). So ive never heard of BPD. Looking back all of these thing i guess she took as some deep hurtful criticism like i was going to abandon her. She would come by the next day and "say do you still like me, and i would say yes i like you i just dont like how you keep blowing up nasty then leaving so please stop". She would write a cute note on my eraser board and buy dinner and wed be back to happyville. It was once a month then eventually once a week. We were together a year. This continued on, sometimes friends were there and saw it in front of their face and told her to relax that shes upset over nothing.(obviously everyone is entitled to their feelings but it seemed the reactions never matched the situation of a tiny comment or joke to a full blown i guess breakup or her leaving). I have a million examples and situations. Im just going to leave them out because of the length of this already. the more i care about her and basically had already fallen for her, her leaving and blocking me started hurting me. So i told her it did. All petty weird things, she said i knitpick on her and i said i didnt mean it that way. She said i get mad at her for these things. I said i was never mad they are silly and i guess i shouldnt have pointed them out but i wasnt mad, i said you get mad because you think im mad then leave. i said dont tell me how i feel i am telling you, but you can tell me how it made you feel. The times she didnt leave ive seen her go from happy, to rage mad, to happy, to super sex mode, and then we managed to have a good night. So then on my 35th birthday she was at my parents outside because of covid on the deck. They made us some four course meal and cake and everything else. We had a great time. We came to my place after and she wanted to take shots(everything seemed to always get worse when she drinks). So we take three shots of fireball. She started muttering "if we keep fighting were not going to make it", three times in a row. i said please stop saying that we had a great night and its my birthday noones fighting. She said your mad so im gonna leave. I said im not mad but its upsetting your saying things like that during a fun night. She grabbed her stuff and left. i finally text her im done i hate she did this once again on my birthday and shell never change. I had a bunch of drinks and slept half the day the next day, i guess she thought i meant it and maybe i did at the time. the next day she wouldnt answer me, the following day was mean then blocked me. kept me blocked. Like ghosting. i thought its totally crazy because we work together so im going to see her the following day in person. So at work im like wtf are you doing. She says why are you dragging out this breakup. I said i didnt even know we were breaking up i thought you were doing your little tantrum thing. So tones changed drastically with her. Like i was noone (she was the pursuer and obsessed with everything the whole time, i was kind of sitting back analysing it and getting through my previous breakup pain but always treated her like gold, flowers , open car doors etc., things noones ever done, cooked, cleaned, taught her things, took her place, always told her she was beautiful. (she has some food thing where she binges once of more a week then goes to the gym everyday to burn 1000 calories a day but is depressed that day and other days). I always thought these mood swings was all based on the food issue i had never heard of BPD. i tried not to even get my feelings caught up in self defense but i did.) So then she was like gone. Ignore me at work after that one talk. She walked around anxious and nervous. I actually felt so horrible watching her feel that way at work because of me, I felt the same but I am able to not show it on the outside and maintain my composure. Then she would text me why dont i care, then if i said i care she would tell me to F off. This went on two weeks. She said leave her alone she needed space. I sent her a beuatiful email letter(because i was blocked) apologizing for making her feel i didnt like her because of the silly nit picks, she mad made me feel so guilty and flipped everything on me, so i said go have your space and call me one day if you change your mind. Then when pondering the next morning factors made me think weird things about the guy she was on off for 6 years.(allegedely he used her sexually and would ditch her then get back and on and off and on and off, He would email her every two weeks like clockwork(because he was blocked on the phone, go figure lol)I asked her if she was talking to her ex again. I found his address and took a ride past on that weekend. Sure enough her car was there the whole weekend. Im not a stalker or psycho but i dont like being lied to and had a deep intuition. Ive never seen anything like this. The next day must have been right when she left his house she text me i miss you soo much and can we talk. We were texting back and forth (shes never been able to handle a phone or in person convo when it comes to conflict) . She said cant you just give me time to calmi cant breathe( i know she just had a sex festival for two days). I pretended not to know just to see what she had to say which was nothing really. So finally after knowing for four days i said i dont get it you said you need time alone but just F'ed your ex all weekend. She said see your crazy assuming things this is why we dont work. I let her lie for two days then finally told her i saw the car there. Because she seemed like she was trying to come back. I know people do that but to me its so dirty especially a week after a breakup. So to make this shorter to the point she kept getting mad if ignored her at work like texting me. She tried to be friends which i declined. i saw her so anxious there i tried but then she would text me criticizing me how i was acting at work. Then two days later she emailed me to never contact her again. So i didnt. Then three days later she text and emailed me " are you ever going to talk to me again or am i just a monster now". I waited an hour to respond and was blocked already. I was so angy and hurt and confused and still am. I cant believe i sent that letter and she was at the dudes house when she read it and emailed me saying it was beautiful, then text me she missed me right when she left his house. I felt like i sat here caring about her feeling all this time like she was some innocent victim and i was the devil, when in reality she just did all of the worst things a person can do to someone and really has no remourse. Her response was we were broken up and not together so she did nothing wrong. So finally i pulled her aside at work and told her i am sorry but i am going to ignore you at work and not say hi and i will never contact you again. She almost cried and didnt understand why we cant even be work friends. I just said its time to worry about my own mental health at this point and that she honestly is just dirty to me now. She had avoided me at work moslty because it isnt an office job and we work like a block away in a "yard". So then the next week all of a sudden she was hanging out in the break room i spend time in that she never goes in and knows im in there at that time. I walked in and she gave me this big hello and smile. I ignored her then said to my friend in the same room loud enough for her to here i dont know why you people are even having conversation with herter what she did and shes sitting in my chair, she heard yelled shut my mouth and walked out. That was 5 days ago. I was off the last five days. Theres so many other factors relating her to BPD such as cant drive from point A to B in short distance without beeping several times at cars like instant rage, blocking everyone, running immediately from conflict(even when its a loving conversation). Getting rage mad in a split second then back to normal, no patience, no remorse, suicidal thoughts even though she wouldnt act on them, depressed then happy constant mood fluctuations for hours or days. I saw a psychologist and she immediately said she is BPD or most traits, and i guess im the empathetic codependent fixer in life so as i tried more and more to put boundaries against leaving and blocking and cursing me out and then just letting it keep happening eventually she started calling me a little bitch like she needed me to go back at her. Im no angel in the last few weeks i wrote couple of nasty emails calling her names based on that guy situation, and calling her out on all these actions and basically abandoning me when all i tried to do was make her comfortable and talk to her about what has been going on. So ill end it there. I know its kind of all over the place because honeslty my mind and heart are. I still miss her and love her. I dont think shell ever reach out again from my last comment in that break room. My friend saw her car at the guys house two days ago so either they are back together or she uses him once in a while for comfort and sex. I just feel so down and angry and sad and im just going to ignore her at work. But it hurts just even see her car everyday and pass by her in the hall. I just cant seem to let it go. It just consumes my mind, im past the point of reaching out or trying but will never understand this instant change then "discard", like i was nothing. For the record the other guy works at my job but a far away location so not directly with me. Im a good looking guy in awesome shape with moeny and a BMW and was looking for houses and taking her with me. This other dude is pardon my judgement but ugly and lives with his parents at 40 and noone at my job likes him and has nothing positive to say about him. (im not implying im better then anyone or cars or things matter but im just a well liked good person and everyones best friend) I guess what im saying is my ego was broken twice by this. I cant even get myself to want to talk to another girl at this point. Ive always taken breakups hard and always had long 4,5,3,2 year relationships with people but for some reason this one just has me broken inside. I know the advice is maybe to block her and forget her ( hard when i have to see her 5 days a week). But more internally i need advice how to let go or stop pursuing answers and solutions in my mind. The psychologist thinks i dont really need to be there as i am "normal" and level headed but maybe somehwat codependent and maybe always have been. I guess the knight in shining armor complex that will never walk away from someone who needs me even when it involves breaking me down. Any comments or advice would be nice. Maybe a book idea, ive read some on breakups, how to win a breakup, get an ex back, BPD, they all just seem to keep me more stuck inside this loop and maybe are not even healthy at this point. I secrectly want her to reach out and apologise for everything and do right by me. But she just always thinks I hate her now or never liked her in general. Other girls would see how much I was into everything and its her own issues that do this. I dont know how to handle this work thing either besides ignoring her existence. I tried to be friendly which led to talking and then her texting again but felt like it was pointless texting and just keeping me hooked on a girl that is now not part of my life. This is week five. the first two i pursued her the second 2 was when i realised the other ex, the last one has been complete silence.Thanks for reading.

 :hi:

Welcome Nautica... Really glad you found this group. You've shared so much of your process (and processing), and you're in a place with people who truly get it.

While I'm usually over on the Family Law board (my husband's kids' mom has some challenging traits and behaviors), your story stood out to me, and I wanted to make sure you knew you are seen and heard here.

I never had any brothers growing up, but have had a guy friend like a brother for over a decade now. He's close to your age and went through a similar roller coaster relationship with a diagnosed-BPD woman (they are no longer together). I just felt for you going through so much turmoil and questioning... so familiar.

You're in a lot of pain, and it's consuming your mind and thoughts. You're wondering how to even let go, when there's been so much whiplash and completely irrational actions that defy understanding. That makes sense that you're in a place of just trying to make sense of it all, and also maybe not wanting to dwell on things... to move forward, but how?

What has your self care been like lately? Often when we get swept into BPD drama, or when we spend time trying to understand their choices, we skimp on caring for our own minds and bodies. Anything you used to do, that you dropped while with her, that you'd like to start again? Working out, rock climbing, hiking, meditation, cooking, reading...?

Maybe it sounds counterintuitive, but when we channel that energy back to ourselves, we can often end up in a healthier, more grounded place, where stuff makes more sense than if we put all that energy into "trying to make it make sense".

Nautica, write back whenever works for you... we'll be here!

Cheers;

kells76

Oops, double posted