BPDFamily.com

In previous posts I have shared the story of my (now) 18 year old daughter, her false memories, false accusations of abuse, her varying degrees of estrangement, her 'running away' to university and struggling there...

She has vowed to NEVER step foot in this house again and hates her father and I for everything.

She has regular conversations (which look and sound totally 'normal') with my parents and 2 of her step-siblings - they all know of our family breakdown and her untreated mental illness, lies etc.

I am totally confused on how to relate or connect with her.  Do I sent periodic supportive "normal" texts, do I tell her how much I miss her and the relationship I thought we all had, do I say anything about the damage she has inflicted into ALL of our relationships with her, do I call her out on the lies she continues to involve my parents in, do I just keep putting the obvious under the 'rug' and carry on new each day like the sh*t she threw at me in the last text didn't happen?...  it's so bizzare.

I have no barings at all on how to act with everything so wrong in the relationship, yet knowing it's not coming from a person of sound mind.

Definitely a topic for my next counselling session too.  Will also share what comes of that.

Looking for your experiences.

hi NorthernMom,

Here is my experience, and thank you for asking.

I find it incredibly easy to walk away from my BPD'd step daughter.  I don't know if it's because my Mom is also BPD'd and I spent the better half of two decades learning how to deal with this incredibly complex mental illness, or if that's just my personality.

I told my husband today "I'm really good at disappearing.  It's a defensive mechanism."  He said he would like to try that too, so in a way, I guess I'm a role model for showing him it's OK to tap out.

I said, when things get abusive, I have no problem at all walking away from someone and letting them find a new target. I think he does feel conflicted, and that he cannot just walk away.  There's maybe some invisible force keeping him there (it is because its His daughter.  Is it because that is what he's always done?  I don't know).  I guess that's where we're both at in our co-dependency journies, you might call them.

We are all at a different place, and knowing that the place you're at, and the place I'm at are both "Right" for us in this moment, is important. 

Let me know what you find out in the way of tools or resources.

 :hug:

b

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm


I'll say "ditto" to walking away from abuse.  Then you get to a weird thing where they act like it never happened and you are scratching your head going..."so now what?"

I'm going to suggest you "gently" try to maintain some sort of connection.  Look for things to validate (that are valid) and try not to invalidate. 

Also don't want to "validate the invalid".

Can you read those articles and let us know your questions?

Best,

FF