BPDFamily.com

Hello BPD Family  :hi:

This is a message of return/update. Up until about a year and a half ago, I was active on these boards as I worked through the process of going NC with a parent (uNPD/BPD traits).

It’s been two years and counting of NC with no planned end in sight.

Mine was a situation where other family relationships have deteriorated or trickled to very minimal contact due to the prominence and influence of this parent as well as their health situation. My parent has also sowed seeds of discord and control extending as far as one of my closest school friends.

The journey has been incredibly difficult at times but I have no doubts or regrets about embarking on it. I’ve been fortunate to have the support of multiple therapists in specialized techniques (including EMDR) to work through the years and years of pain, confusion, grief, and damage to self-worth that came from growing up in an emotionally unstable environment.

In all honesty, although I feel emotionally stronger than ever, sometimes I still feel like I’m on a tightrope, and all it would take is a strong gust to throw me back into deep distress or depression. Yet, triggers big and small have come and gone and I have found myself able to identify, name, and cope with them, then move back into a space of groundedness and rooted security.

As for the title of my post, I was telling my therapist yesterday that right now I feel like a phoenix once again falling and preparing to rise into yet another new phase. We don’t think about it but part of that journey includes being covered in ash, it getting in your eye, and plenty of tears/grief!

For instance, I still struggle with the question of being able to form healthy relationships. I do not have close friends at all right now and abusive patterns seen to be so prevalent across relationships at work, friendships, and romantic partnerships that sometimes I fear I will never be able to form and maintain healthy relationships. Or, even if I did, how would I explain my lack of family connections or even friendships? Would those unhealthy relationships taint the new ones, even indirectly?

And any contact (even a text or email) from any family member or other individual who I know is on my parent’s “side” at least to some extent is triggering, though it’s gotten milder with time.

As for re-establishing contact with any family member in the future, I feel it would be essential to have at least one healthy relationship in place, if not a stable support system (including but not limited to therapists). If you have such a relationship, even one, do consider yourself fortunate. If not, please do not think that this reflects on the type of person you are or the amount of love you have to give.

I hope that by sharing my experience of how things look down the road that I can provide a little bit of hope for those of you starting out or even just considering setting boundaries in any capacity.

My heart goes out to each and every one of you working through this on any level on top of the pandemic and related challenges.

Please take extra good care of yourselves, especially this holiday season, a time when triggers, guilt trips, and the like tend to increase.

And know that you are intrinsically worthy.

Worthy of love, worthy of tenderness and compassion, and worthy of peace of mind.

Take care  :heart:

hi aslowrealization,
Thank you for posting, as your story really inspires me.

I too went NC with my entire FOO about 15 years ago, and maintained it for almost 7 years.  The hardest part, is what you've described and that is how any new romantic prospect will see you.  Are we orphans?  We have a family, though. 

I don't know if your personality is in any way similar to mine, but I was extremely shy and also am an introvert.  On some scales I am probably highly sensitive as well (because of my experience of being enmeshed with my BPD'd Mom as a child, and because my entire family also scapegaoted me). 

What I found I had to do was get out of my comfort zone.  At that time in my life I made it a point to make some friends, and I actually ended up becoming very close to my neighbors across the street who had a daughter my age.  They became like my surrogate parents, and even invited me over for my birthday and holidays.  Trust me, it was not easy to "Trust" strangers, and it took a huge leap of faith.

Weirdly, people are a lot more concerned about their own situations than yours, a therapist once told me that.  If you do try to explain your situation, lots will just be happy to have a friend and will embrace you and may even prefer your friendship because you are so special, because of your past.  You will really appreciate them.

Try to find those positives about your situation, and exploit those.  It is a gift, really.

When of the hardest things about abuse is coping with the fallout, and I want you to know I really do understand it.  But you will meet someone that gets you, or some ones, and when it feels right, you'll open up.


 :hug:

b