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I took the kids and left two weeks ago yesterday.  We’ve been together for 20 years...married for 18... parenting “together” for almost 10... but after another emotional standoff between my eldest and my spouse, this one so volatile that my son dashed into the house in a panic, locking the door behind him, sobbing, “My dad is going to kill me,” while neighbors began to turn on their lights (and I continue to be stunned that no one called the police).  This was a standoff so acute that my 2 1/2 year old daughter looked at my husband as the emotions began to deescalate and told him, “You look scary, Daddy.  You have a Hulk-face.  I am scared of you, Daddy.”  Mind you, my husband didn’t raise a finger.  He can breed felt threat like this with posture and facial expressions.  Coupled with the sense that his depression was a black hole leeching my job, our son’s self- perception (he’s convinced that his Daddy wishes that he had a different son), and our daughter’s safety (our son responds to my husband’s cues with becoming manic and physically threatening, and is convinced that having a sister ruined his life), we had reduced expectations for my husband to the marrow, and there was nothing left to sacrifice but ourselves.  A few hours after the event, while reflecting with my husband about the events that had transpired, I shared that I needed a safe place, that I needed home to be a safe place, that I needed him to be safe, to be willing to hold me, unguarded.  He dismissed me, and proceeded to blame me for the events that evening.  It was at that moment—when i realized I’d been reduced to a cane designated to stabilize him, and that canes were not allotted the capacity to feel—that I knew that to heal myself and my kids, I had to remove myself from the weight of our home and make a decision that would cause my husband to exercise willpower and responsibility in a manner he’d not had to for some time.  He would have to walk without his cane, as his cane belonged to herself, though she had forgotten.

How are you doing now, BirdandFish?

So, since I first posted this, the kids and I moved back in.  I put some parameters in place, and he met the expectations last week.  As promised, we came back.  While I saw the progress, I also knew it was only a matter of time until he would villanize my intentions or, burdened by cumulative pain, blame me for it.  My time away, I hoped, would give me the grit and insight to speak my truth when that moment came. 

Tonight, that moment came.  It’s Christmas Eve, and he was burdened emotionally by several of his most volatile triggers all at once. Some time after he’d arrived home, after getting him and checking in on how his afternoon went,  also tired from the holiday bustle, I asked if he’d bought a drink while at the store.  He replied that he hadn’t, but clarified what he did buy.  I replied simply that I did not like that drink. 

He snapped.  Lost it, and suddenly I found myself on the receiving end of a diatribe whose premise was I did not appreciate anything that he had done, and likewise that I “just” needed to say I was f***ing sorry.

I responded by saying that I wasn’t sure what to say.  I added that I needed more time to think about what I wanted to say versus what I needed to say, and that I didn’t feel safe doing the thinking at that moment.  I walked upstairs, and upon shutting the door, experienced a sudden panic reaction not felt often: shuddering, lightheadedness, difficulty breathing, and nausea.  After about 30 minutes, he asked if he could come in.

He said he was sorry, and I explained to him while sorry was a polite gesture, it was too small a tool for what had just happened.  I needed to speak my truth, and I likewise needed to know that he’d heard what I said. 

He listened.  He retold.  He hugged me. 

Not perfect, but good.

BirdandFish, good to hear from you again.
Holidays can be tough for anyone -- I'm learning that as I get older. I'm so glad you could have a "good enough" moment this Christmas Eve. Kudos to you for being honest with your H about not being sure what to say. It sounds like that honesty and non-blame contributed to things being "good enough".
I wish you and your family peace and calm for Christmas.
Hugs;
kells76

Thanks!  Merry Christmas to you as well!