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Hi everyone. My boyfriend has sudden outbursts of anger, and sometimes I can't get why. For example we were talking about guitars and suddenly he replied: "is the brand really important? you can check the price by yourself! awwwwh HOW DUMB YOU ARE!"
and I really don't know how to reply so that he doesn't start and argument and calms down.
If your partner has these kinds of outbursts too, how do you answer? how do you calm them down?

Hey again, Bella :)

In this kind of situation, I think the  2 most important things are:
- do not escalate the situation,
- keep your boundaries.

Your boyfriend shouldn't call you dumb or yell at you. When my boyfriend has an anger outburst and start raising his voice or being disdainful, what works best for me is to say something that will both validate his feelings and put boundaries.

Example: "you are raising your voice you called me *insert nice word that popped out*, that makes me really uncomfortable [observation], you seem to feel upset/angry and I understand [validation] but I don't want to be talked to this way. [boundary]"

At that point he may still feel too angry to react positively, so what I do then is leave the conversation to reassert my boundaries, by saying something like "I don't want you to talk to me like that, so I'm gonna go to the other room/go back at my place and we can talk later when the emotions are cooled down."

Usually with my bf it works well and he comes to me to apologise when his emotions have cooled down, but that really depends on the people. I used to try and appeal to his common sense in those moments and eventually learned that it's a waste of energy and is more likely to make things worse. When emotions are too high, the rational brain barely works at all and there's no use trying to reason him. He needs to cool down first and in the meantime you don't have to be around. ;)

What do you think?

Hi again and thanks for the answer!  :heart:

To be honest, I don't think that that type of sentences would work for my boyfriend. Maybe your boyfriend is working on himself more than mine.  =)
If I say these kind of words, he'll react like "I don't give a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) about it, it's none of my business, I told the truth!" and if I leave the conversation, he says that I'm running away from the situation.
It seems like he has nearly no control on himself in these situations.

Hey :)

My boyfriend does indeed work on himself but most of the time, when he enters rage mode, he has little to no control on himself either. I still say them and leave though because even though he may not hear them right now, while he has cooled down he will feel more inclined to come back to me than if I had left in a hostile way.

If your boyfriend accuses you of "running away from the situation", don't argue; you can restate what you said by saying "I prefer to go, we can discuss this later", or not add anything but my advice is to not argue or try to defend yourself. Do not JADE, this article might be useful for you to read : https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

Have you ever tried leaving the conversation anyway? What happened?

Thanks a lot for that article. ❤️ I've noticed this before, that defending never works. I've tried to leave the conversation, but the problem is sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I know exactly what you mean... my husband is the same. Sometimes he lets me escape a conversation and sometimes he doesn't. When he has some space, though, he usually can calm down on his own. I have asked him in peaceful moments how to help him calm down, and he did have a solution. In essence, it's for me to call him by his "real name" (not his birth name). Unfortunately when I'm panicking I often do not think of this. My point isn't that this idea will be effective for everyone, but that your partner may have an idea that may help a little. Choose your timing carefully, though!

merelytrying what a coincidence! Me and my partner's safe word - negotiated during a calm phase - is also her real name. Like you I sometimes forget but I find if I remember and follow it up with a distracting question like  " what triggered you? "
she can usually deregulate ( her word) . Practice makes perfect and I find it important to remember that her rage will trigger me. So I practice deep breathing and make sure I am ok before attempting to engage.
Gemsforeyes also saved my life, or at least my sanity,  with alpha waves. You get YouTube tracks you can play for free and they really work