BPDFamily.com

well It's my second topic about this, but as I'm really standing on the edge I'm posting this with the hope of someone helping me.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years, and through these years we had lots of break ups. In all of these, he always came back after a while, first just talking to me and after that for continuing the relationship. While breaking up with me, he always said that I'm not his ideal one, I didn't care enough, I didn't try enough and didn't work hard for our relationship, etc... .
He broke up with me once 3 weeks ago, because he asked me to come with him to visit a doctor (for something for his eyes) and I couldn't. He came back after a week and we were doing okay and loved each other, until his birthday (1 week ago). Where we live, the government did a total lock down (restaurants, parks,...) for 2 weeks so I couldn't take him somewhere out. I went to his house with a gift (and I designed it, not a simple one) and we spent some time together. He showed to be happy, and when I had to leave because I was late (I live in a near city and it was going to snow and I don't have a car myself) he told me he can't come with me to the door because he's so sleepy and went under the blanket. He was crying in silent but I was in a rush so I kissed his head and left. I thought he was feeling dysphoric (as he's a trans boy)and he doesn't want me to be around. I apologized later for that misunderstanding. we were okay that night (though he blocked me once and unblocked me soon later), but nearly everyone forgot to congratulate his birthday the day after, and he was really mad and upset at his friends. He blocked them, and started yelling at me that I didn't care either to celebrate his birthday better, and others do more for their partners.
He blocked me again. I waited for him and told him I'm so sorry and I can understand how upset he is and for sure he's right. He unblocked me again that night and we started talking again. He felt like all of us were not happy for his birthday and his birth didn't matter to us. I asked him to come back and I promised to care more and make him feel loved and it'll be different, but he didn't want to. Two days later, he asked for a sex (this is one of his usual ways to come back after a break up) and we were together again.
My problem is what he told me last night. He told me a guy asked him out. I asked him if he wants to go and likes that guy, and the answer was no. I felt happy. I told him that I love him. He said even though he leaves me? and my answer was I love him, no matter what. He told me he's leaving anyway. I told him that I wish he doesn't and he gives another chance to us. He said that he is already giving a chance but he feels no difference.
I have no hint of what does he want, what makes him happy and satisfied, and how should I make him feel loved.
He seemed to be satisfied and happy in our relationship yesterday. I was helping him do some one his university projects as he was SO anxious and he has some anxiety problems, too. He's that kind of boy that prefer to "see" you love him except hearing it as sweet words. But the problem is, I don't know how to do this, too.
Any hints, suggestions, advices, or experiences? :) I don't want to lose him again...

Hey Bella!

From your post, it seems that you are dedicating a lot of energy in trying to make him happy and don't give a lot of attention to your own feelings and needs (as is often the case for us, it seems :) ). Do you relate to that?

For example, you seem to apologise a lot. The ability to aknowledge your own mistakes is a very valuable one, but I would like to invite you to be careful about apologizing when you shouldn't. It's important to validate your partner's feelings, but it is as equally important that everybody wear their own responsibilities for things. And you're not responsible for his happiness. You shouldn't be expected to read his mind and anticipate his needs either.

You don't know how to make him feel loved? The best thing to start with in my opinion is to ask him, at a moment when he is calm and able to have a rational and respectful conversation. Ask him if there is something in the relationship that is missing for him to feel loved, if there is something that you could do that would make him feel better in the relationship - keeping in mind that you don't have to do anything you don't want to, you should open yourself to his needs while having a clear idea of your boundaries. Say to him that when you stick to your boundaries it's not because of a lack of love.

There is only so much you can do though. People with BPD often struggle with self-hatred and their need for love and external validation is so massive no individual can fill it for them, they need to work on it themselves.

So my suggestion is: open communication about your respective needs, validate his feelings, stick to your boundaries and keep in mind that your love won't solve his problems.

I do. :) In fact, I mostly ignore my own needs to pay attention to his needs. And the problem is that I don't know how to talk to him about this. When he feels okay, if I talk to him, he accepts whatever I say. At these moments, if I ask him if there's something in our relationship that he wants to change, he answers that there's nothing, he's happy with me and he loves me the way I am. Other times, when I ask about his needs, he says that I should know myself and he shouldn't explain everything to me and he has told me about these stuff many times before. When he's triggered, it seems like he forgets all of our sweet moments.
And yes, I apologize a lot, because it seems that just when I apologize he feels like I validate his feelings and point of view.  I don't know an alternative way...

I feel like I'm in a real lack of communicating skills with a BPD person, and I don't know a good source to start learning (as where I live we don't have a behavioral psychologist, and the skilled ones are very expensive and I can't afford a session with them).

He's studying psychology himself, is aware of his BPD and lately going for a therapy. But I think he's not aware of what BPD can do to our relationship (isolating, devaluation periods and more) and he feels like the problem relies in our relationship and also me. I don't know how to tell him about this...

p.s: thanks for your reply, it made me feel a little more at ease. :)

OMG, are we dating the same person? My boyfriend does exactly the same. I can relate very well.
The good news is that when he is okay, he accepts what you have to say. It means the door is open for a good and authetic conversation, and therefore for growth and change. A lesson I learned with my boyfriend is to not try and have a constructive conversation about issues (or about most things, really, but mainly about issues) and he is "triggered" or has split. His rational brain is then on vacation and there's no rational discussion possible in those condition. Once you accept that, it's going to be easier for you to not try and argue when he's not available.

But when he is back to "normal" you need to have those conversations again. It's not easy because they can be a trigger (for my boyfriend anyway they can be), but it needs to be done if you want the situation to improve.
Once thing I need to state quite often (he starts to get it but he forgets it sometimes) and that seems relevant to your situation, is that I don't have to read his mind. I just don't. No matter how long we've been together, how intimate we know each other, he should not expect of me to read his mind. We are 2 individuals with 2 brains. He is an adult; he needs to learn to express his needs. Yes couples tend to know each other enough to anticipate each other's needs in any situation, it's nice but it should never be a given. No matter how well you know him, you will never be in his mind.

About apologizing: there are several ways for you to validate his feelings without apologizing. I'm not saying you should never apologize, but only if you truly feel you are responsible for a behaviour you think you shouldn't have had. When you think you haven't done anything to justify an apology, you can validate his feelings, by saying things like "I understand that you feel angry/sad", "you have the right to feel like that". You can validate the facts if you agree with them ("indeed I said this and I understand it makes you feel angry").
If you apologise when you shouldn't, you're letting him having power over you and you're sending to him the message that he can decide how you behave.

But overall it seems to me like your main problem is that you have issues asserting your boundaries and listening to your needs, and that what leads you to apologising, trying to play the mind reader and so on... I've been there. The things you do for love, mmh? :)  You seem to be a very caring person and to put a lot of effort in the relationship, and that's wonderful of you. He's lucky to be with someone so dedicated. Now, if you want to stay in this relationship without sacrificing your mental health, you really need learn how to put yourself first. And it's going to benefit your relationship as well! When you apologise, it may benefit you on the short term (hence why we tend to do this) but not in the long run because you are encouraging his toxic attitudes. To cultivate a healthy relationship, asserting your boundaries and be firm is the priority.

I invite you to have a look around on the "tools and skills" board of this forum, here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0
There are a lot of resources relating to your issues: asserting boundaries, validating and so on.. it may help you learn to communicate better with him. :)

When you say you don't know how to talk to him about your needs, what exactly is the difficulty for you?

What are you thoughts on all this?

I think I'm answering back too late, but anyway, thanks for what you wrote. ❤️
As you said I expected myself to read his mind... And I'm trying to pay attention to my needs and not ignoring them. It seems it works fine right now, as I think he feels more confident when he tries for me. But it's still hard for me to talk about it with him, and I think it's because of my pervious experiences. We had a very difficult time before, when we didn't even know that his problem is depression (and not even BPD), and whenever I talked about what I need, the answer was "it's non of my business, this is who I am, get along with it or you can leave!"
I also have a fear for him, and I think maybe if I explain my needs, he feel too much emotional pressure or tension...

Sadly it may be that he’s so focused on his own needs that thinking about yours feels too much pressure.