BPDFamily.com

I'm 67 years old and have been dealing with an undiagnosed BPD sister my whole life. There have been times when she became angry and cut all contact for weeks or months and once for two years. Every time I allow her back in and then end up grieving the loss of a sister when she once again cuts me off. I should also say that my mother is most likely also BPD as is my sister's son who is a low functioning BPD. All family contact, except when I managed to get alone time with my father, has always meant walking on eggshells. My parents and my sister have spent 23 years repeatedly rescuing my nephew which means that there is very little space in the family for normal relationships. My father died last year and for the last year my contacts with my sister were problem free. Now my nephew is in crisis, my mother can't stop crying and my sister has once again cut me off and I once again feel that my heart is breaking. My friends feel I should cut contact with my sister (she will start calling again at some point) but that is hard since my mother is still living. Any suggestions other than red wine and a comedy film? I should say that I live in Europe and my family are clustered close together in the US.

Wow!  I just posted a similar post about my sister and thought I was reading the same post.  No suggestions but you are not alone.  Last time my sister cut me off she didn’t speak to me for 15 years except rude, mean remarks.  I calculate that if she again doesn’’t speak to me for 15 years that she will be 85.  What a waste.  But even more so that for my 64 years I always thought it was me.  I would apologize and that would just bring on self righteous justification for why she said and did the things that she did to me.  Time to move on.

I have also been slow to understand not only that it's not my fault but also that I can never get it right for very long. My mother (low emotional intelligence, probably BPD) always said "It takes two", anytime there was a problem. The inability of my family to recognise what was happening allowed my sister to continue without consequence and it meant that I was (and still am) denied support. My father suffered through 65 years of my mother's BPD behavior but somehow still loved her. Go figure. For the last 23 years the family has been obsessed with my 40 year old BPD nephew. Everytime he screws up they rescue him so he is not only dealing with BPD, he's also dealing with the fact that he truly doesn't understand consequences.

Why do you think your contacts with your sister in the last year were problem free?  Any theories?  I'm just trying to understand your situation to offer better support.

I am sorry to hear this leonberlin.  Can you tell us more about why your heart is breaking?  Are you particularly close to your nephew?  Or is your heart breaking for your sister or your mother?

Do you think there is a pattern to when your sister "cuts you off"?  

I'm not clear on the connection between your sister and your mother...do they live together?  Do they talk and behave as 1 unit? Are they a "package" so that if you communicate with one, you must also be on good terms with the other? (If yes, are you familiar with the Karpman triangle, and/or emotional enmeshment?)

You mention living in Europe, whilst the rest of the family is in the US.  I can imagine that the advantage to this are that you have physical distance from their drama, and thus space to live your own life.  It's probably more peaceful than being in the eye of the tornado.  Are there disadvantages you are concerned about?

Their rescuing is enabling his screwups to continue.  Why would he stop if he's never given the opportunity to learn and grow from his own mistakes? Other people always fix it for him. It is a difficult thing to let someone we love learn from their own mistakes, and not rush in to rescue.  Maybe their not capable of not rescuing, because his mistakes reflect badly on them?  Does that fit?

Let us know how we can best help.

So sorry about your Dad passing away.  I lost mine at the end of 2017 and I don't think the "new normal" has emerged yet.  Stuff will come up where I would normally reach out to Dad for a conversation and...

Be kind to yourself and realize these things take a while.



Does this work?  Serious question. 

Big picture:  Is it likely "they" will change? 

Therefore it's important that you have a solid self care routine.  Someplace to take your mind, instead of focusing on them (or perhaps more specifically their crazy stuff).

For me I like to watch youtube videos about people fixing things, "rescuing" old equipment.

Lately I've started watching and trying out more cooking videos.

Best,

FF