BPDFamily.com

I'm going to assume many of us are having the same experience. The BPDs in our life are not reacting well to the global pandemic.It exacerbates BPD's intense feelings of fear and need for control.

Recently, I retained an attorney. Our divorce was in a different US state and I retained the attorney to move it and to, sort of, have a "wolf at the door."

Well, the attorney tried to deliver the paperwork to uBPDxw's house. uBPDxw refused to answer the door. When the attorney, dressed in a suit and tie, tried to deliver the paperwork yesterday, uBPDxw called D16 and whispered, "Are you at my door?" D16 was at my house and replied, "no". uBPDxw whispered, "is your dad at my door?" D16 answered, "no". uBPDxw refused to answer the door.

Is this normal?
(sometimes, with BPDs, we need perspective from "normal" people)

Hello.  In our experience, yes, all emotions coming out of the xBPDh are amplified up to 11.  We've had to modify plans in order to keep the children out of the middle because he's using the children as a conduit to control our behaviors.  We don't change everything, but we have made a few changes like not having take-out for a birthday dinner to ease anxieties of the kids.  We're looking at options to try and educate the children, but frankly, they are not emotionally developed enough to handle the emotional manipulation coming at them from their father. 

Are there other ways to formally serve the papers other than direct contact?  CoMo

I'm going with 15% normal and 85% not.

15% normal: in our neighborhood, if I were home alone, even as an adult, I wouldn't open the door to a strange man. So, it kind of depends on the neighborhood.

85% not: but then I wouldn't be calling MULTIPLE people to ask "was that you"? I mean, does her door not have a peephole? And, if she doesn't know who it is, why is she calling only people related to you?

...

I mean, this is why it's called borderline, right? She's teetering between reality and psychosis. Some of what she does kind of makes sense... and then there are a lot of layers on top that are just like, wow, that's not connected to reality.

I also sense the classic abdication of responsibility: "What could I do? It's not my fault. I couldn't do anything different -- how should I know?" That kind of attitude. She KNOWS stuff is going on legally, right?

...

Ah, cross posted with CoMo (Hi, CoMo!):


But the goal is to get her served. So, how can we brainstorm how to make that happen?

When and for what does she go out in public?

I'm in closeout, but had flare-ups in the last few months made no sense to me and those involved. Apparently they made sense to my ex. My gut is that it won't happen again, but who knows.

Then my attorney said, "Actually I think this is pandemic firing up the feelings of abandonment and loss of control." Oh, gosh. That makes sense. So we just shook our heads and pressed on.

I'm surprised the attorney did the serving. Here it's done by a deputy sheriff or professional server in most cases. If they can't get it served, they tack them on the door and send them by mail with tracking.

What's actually being served should have probably been defined.

It's just a letter telling her I have retained an attorney for the purposes of moving the divorce from PA to KS. The attorney wanted to deliver it in person so he could answer any questions. I told him I'm not surprised she wouldn't answer the door...even if it's a late 50s-ish guy in a suit.
It's an incredibly safe neighborhood and she has one of those iron gate, lockable screen doors.


Thank you for this. It illustrates the behavior well.

He's going to FedEx it to her. Moving the divorce lays the groundwork in case I need to take additional action. I sure hope I won't. But, you never know, right? That's our struggle.

Your lawyer should have had you prepped so that when ex called your daughter or you then you could have reassured her that it was okay to answer, it was only the lawyer with necessary paperwork.

BTW, besides having the case handled locally, have you or your lawyer determined that there are no legal disadvantages switching from your original state?  States often have different laws, rules and policies.