BPDFamily.com

Hi,

I don't know what to say, but this has been going on for a long time. A little history of my marriage. My husband and I have been married 4 going on 5 years now, but we have been together for 5 years. Both of us are on our second marriage. He has 3 grown children that are out of the house and I have 2 children of my own, I have one that is out of the house and the other one lives with us. Both of my children are high functioning autistic. When I met my husband, I thought he was the man that I had been waiting for. But after we got together things started changing, everything would be going great one minute then the next minute he was so angry or irritated. Most of the time he would get this way when he was going to work, but it was and still is 80% of the time. I never know what kind of mood he will be in on a day to day basis. He has a lot of triggers, some of them I don't know, but these are the triggers I see the most:

1. His lunch wasn't made the way he wanted
2. Tries to do too much before work, which would give him very little time to get ready.
3. Always in a rush.
4. Saying anything about his son (when his son was living with us).
5. Blaming almost every mess or upset on my daughter.
6. Me not having dinner always planned.
7. The house not always clean, dishes are done etc.
8. Not meeting his expectations.
9. He doesn't listen to my feelings.
10. Turns things that I say around to make me the bad guy.
11. I am constantly walking on eggshells.

I could go on and on, but the one thing that I can't handle anymore is he uses me as a variable punching bag when things don't get done the way he wants them to or I said something wrong that I wasn't intending him to take wrong. Now he is getting more variable abusive. I don't want to go through another divorce, it would be so devastating to everyone involved. I can never do anything right in his eyes. I am always doing or saying something wrong. He makes me feel like I should have never been born. He makes me feel like I am the worse parent that ever walked this earth, and that he is a far better parent than me. I could go on but I am having a hard time gathering my thoughts. I am having such a hard time working and being the parent to my autistic daughter and wife, that I am not sleeping very well. We aren't sleeping in the same room anymore, it's like I don't have my husband whom I love with all of my heart. I miss the connection we have had. I miss him! He can be very loving and supportive, then he has 1 bad day and totally destroys me. Right now I have tears in my eyes because just today, he told me and I quote "When you go to your mom's house for Christmas I won't go, and I hope you stay there longer than you had planned." I had been saying that I wasn't sure if he would go with me but I wanted him to, but he turned my words around. He had overheard me talking to my daughter's behaviorist about my schedule for Christmas, he already knew that we were going to my mom's house, I told the behaviorist that I am not sure when we would come home since my job schedule changed again due to COVID, I told her that I was either going to come home before new years or just after new years. He now doesn't even want me here with him, when he is angry, but then other times he wants me with him and he is so loving and makes me feel like things are getting better. I should already know that this was going to happen and prepared myself. His mood swings are getting more frequent and more abusive verbally. I have already sought out a marriage counselor which we have already had one appointment. I don't know what to do, my heart hurts.

I really need help. I don't know where to turn. When I was reading about BPD disorder it feels like it was describing my husband. He doesn't talk much about his childhood hood but he didn't have a good one. I hope someone can help me, I don't want to lose my husband.

The best piece of advice I can give in a situation like this is to remember that nobody's ENTIRE list of flaws is based on their underlying psych issues like BPD. For example, not every time my dBPD is upset, is it an over-reaction - sometimes they have valid reasons to be upset and I need to be careful not to dismiss their crying as "Oh, they always do that". But it sounds like you realise that, and it's great that you're both willing to go see a marriage counsellor. Just remember to focus on the problematic behaviors and feelings, not the idea of a mental diagnosis - counsellors aren't psychiatrists, they're able to help with the behaviors and feelings, not the brain wiring.

It sounds like you both have a rough road ahead of you, patching this up or figuring out how to move forward. Do I understand correctly that your daughter has a same-sex partner who is also living with you and your husband? Or have I confused pieces of the story? His comments today about Christmas sound like they're coming from a place of feeling hurt, so he's lashing out trying to hurt you back. It might be that he's upset that you "told" what the Christmas schedule would be, instead of asking or discussing it; I'd say that if he's said he doesn't want to go to with you to your mother's on Christmas, that's his right and your options are either to try and bribe him into it (cookies? intimacy? boardgames? I don't know) or accept that it might be healthiest for everyone if you let him have that autonomy.

For what it's worth, reading the story - I don't immediately think "Yup, that's BPD alright" as I do with some on this forum; so you might be in luck and he may not actually BPD, just the type of person with whom it is perhaps difficult to "get along". But if you look up "DEAR MAN" techniques in calming a BPD, they are a great tactic for helping difficult partners to calm down and work on both BPDs and non-BPDs alike :)

Hi babylove,

I don't know if your H has BPD or not, but even if he did, the key to this kind of relationship dynamic is to focus on your own emotional growth and change, not his.

I know this doesn't seem fair- he's the one with the acting out behavior, but these kinds of behaviors are actually patterns between two people- the two of you. It's a general rule that it's not really possible to change another person, but it is possible to make changes on ourselves. This kind of personal change can benefit you- and it also may change the patterns between the two of you.

He might be complaining about your dinner, or housekeeping, or even your hair color or whatever he might come up with. Of course, you want things to get better so you try harder to fix what he's complaining about. But it doesn't work does it? Because sooner or later, he finds something else to be mad at.

This is because the source of his discomfort is with him, it's his own uncomfortable feelings that he projects on to- an outside reason. Fixing what he says is the reason doesn't work because it's not the reason, it's a projection.

Walking on eggshells is your attempt to "fix" and manage his feelings, but - we can't really fix someone else's feelings.

When we do- this- try to fix things, walk on eggshells, we are actually reinforcing the behaviors in the other person, we give them a way to manage their feelings- but it is discouraging and emotionally tiring as it's a lot of work and isn't very effective as you have discovered.

For me, it took counseling and 12 step co-dependency work to look at how I was contributing to similar patterns in my own marriage. It did help to change some of the patterns. It also helped me in general to change some behaviors that were not working for me.  I had to learn to stay calm if my H was upset with me. ( first, a counselor made sure there was no physical danger, physical abuse is a different situation and if you are facing that, it's important to work with a counselor experienced in domestic abuse)- I am talking about just being angry. I also knew that , if I changed he might not like it and leave. That's a scary part of any change- but you need to be able to let him manage his own investment in the marriage and if he is invested, he will deal with that too.

So back to the question. Is he BPD? Maybe. Are you taking on certain behaviors that you wish to change? Probably- and if so- counseling and working on your part in this can help- whatever your H's "label" is.