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So after last night when I gave my ex BPD the quilt she made me and the sweaters she bought I didn't hear anything. Today at lunch I talked to my therapist via phone. I told him I was feeling very guilty and wondering if I should go apologize. He said it was too soon to apologize and probably wouldn't be good. He also said that I have nothing to apologize for. I was very hurt and I'm entitled to my feelings. I shouldn't be apologizing for that. He said if she did that to me again I would still feel hurt. He said if the shoe was on the other foot which it was last November, she wouldn't apologize to you. In fact I ended up apologizing to her back then.

On top of that she was the one that dumped me back then so I went out with another girl. This time she dumps me to go be with someone else. A little different I think.

Anyhow after I talk to my therapist she text me and told me that I've had changed my mind on the quilt and sweaters that she would keep them until the 23rd and that she had deposited the money she owed me in my account. I didn't respond so 20 minutes later she text me and said she changed it to the 20th and that would be enough time. I didn't respond until tonight and told her simply that I had changed my mind and I would meet her at her car at 1 p.m. tomorrow in Walmart parking lot. She text me back and told me to make that 1:45 at the customer service desk. My friend even had pointed out how she's back to setting time and dates to be in control. I feel that her changing the time and where we're meeting is her way of trying to keep that control. I said okay. That she texts me and says she doesn't want to talk about anything else. She's done with this. I just said sounds good.

What do you think about all this? Does this sound like her trying to be in control. And her bringing up the fact that she doesn't want to talk, I felt like she was trying to bait me.  I started to text her back to tell her I didn't want to talk either but decided to just say sounds good. I also feel that maybe she is trying to tell me this so that I will chase after her and she will be in control again. Does this sound right? In the past it has worked and I have pursued her more because of that.

What is your goal here?  Do you really need the quilt and your sweaters?  I know that you care about her, but her push/pull behavior is causing you quite a bit of grief.  I would give yourself some time to mourn the relationship.  Meet her to get your things back if you truly need them and then leave her alone and try to heal.

It has caused me quite a bit of grief.

So yesterday morning she stopped by my work and dropped off the items and included a Christmas present she had bought for me. I was kind of surprised because the night before I asked her if she still wanted the necklaces she wanted me to buy for her and her daughter for Christmas. She told me no and to send them back. Ok whatever.

I have decided that since all this is taken care of I'm going back to no contact for awhile to heal.

The reason I ask about the control and purposes behind her actions is it seems to help my mind and actions. In the past I have witnessed some seemingly controlling tactics from her but some aren't so obvious when I'm in the fog.

In the past when she would end it and tell me she's done I would start to panic and question myself. This would lead to me talking or texting long apologies wanting to win her back and feeling like maybe it was all my fault. Her setting dates and times and setting everything on her terms would help in making me feel like that. Truly understanding and having validation from others who truly understand and can see from the outside helps me. Knowing that this is a control tactic, knowing that she is doing this or that to trigger me to chase helps calm my mind and not respond out of emotion. To realize it for what it is and not fall for the tactics.

The day after all this happened I was ready and planning on running to her to apologize. Luckily my therapist called just as I was leaving for lunch and did a phone consultation. He suggested I don't for several reasons. First he pointed out there was nothing to apologize for. My feelings got hurt badly and I shouldn't apologize for that. She needs to realize her part. Second it won't land the way I want. It would be too soon and she would reject it with hurt and scorn. Once again he predicted that right! That night is when she text that she didn't want to talk and ECT. He also suggested I just stay away for now and not have interaction with her.

After that is when she texts me about getting my stuff I tried to keep my responses short and not get baited. I feel that her saying she didn't want to talk and was done was just a way of baiting me into trying to apologize, argue, or chase her. After she dropped those things off to my coworker she text me she did that so I could use my lunch time to do other things. She may have been trying to bait me there too. I don't know. I just responded and told her thanks for the thoughtfulness.

Maybe take her at her word that she doesn’t want to see you at this time. Perhaps that will change in the future, or it might not.

Hey Cat.

I believe you  are right. In the past if i approached her during this time she would react very cold and angry. My therapist has advised the same and pointed out that in the past time away seemed to help. I think I need to for myself as well. I'm hurt and right now further interaction I feel would hurt more.

It may or may not change in the future. I believe blocking her on Facebook for the first time and unfollowing her on Duolingo (she has now unfollowed me too) has really upset her on top of my reaction the other night. She was very upset last November but last August we started talking and dating again. It's  hard to say but like my therapist pointed out, she will likely flip back the other way.

Also where she is moving on to someone else now my having any involvement i think would be bad.