BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I've only learned recently about BPD and I think my boyfriend is exhibiting a lot of traits. I can't be definitive, since I'm not a doctor, but I do recognise myself and my partner a lot in the stories the partners of BPDs post here.

He's now seeing me as 'the most horrible person' he ever met (his words), and he blocked my number. He sometimes unblocks me to send me messages to tell me how much he hates me and how awful I am.

Question: would it be OK to just give him space or would that make things worse?

Thanks!

If he’s saying these horrible things and has blocked your number, isn’t he asking you to give him space?

Why would you want to be around him when he’s treating you like that?

He didn't asked for space. As a matter of fact, yesterday he messaged me asking me why didn't I went to knock on his door, why don't I try more. And when I went to his place, he told me to leave. And I find this confusing. I've read here about the 'I hate you, don't leave me', but I'm still confused on what exactly does he want.

I didn't understood his extreme mood swings, and yes, the verbal abuse and the personal attacks did hurt me in the past. But now, after I've read more about BPD, I understand that I don't have to take it personally, that is just a symptom in fact. Of course, I shouldn't tolerate it and now I've learned more about boundaries.

I think he's a good person, he has many qualities and I know BPD doesn't define him and that he didn't chose this. I really do want to have a relationship with him.

I'm unsure on what to do, give him space, and not try to contact him unless he contacts me first, or try more to establish a connection.

I left him a voicemail telling him that I love him, and that I'm not going anywhere. I'm not sure what's the best course of action.

what led up to how things are now? thats really critical for us to understand, for you to understand.

what is he angry or upset about?

It was a built up of him feeling rejected by me. It always started with something that for me seems like nothing to do with rejection: something in my voice tone, some gesture, being tired after a long day at work, not being in the mood for sex (which was also affected by the stress of him exploding in rage and saying stuff like I don't care about him, that I'm looking for ways to purposely hurt him, that he's a joke to me, that I'm stringing him along for my own fun, that I'm certainly cheating him because why else wouldn't I sleep more often with him), not replying or calling him back in less than 5 min, gosh, so many things, I can't even remember them all, but they all made him feel like I'm rejecting him. My mistake here was to not validate 100% his feelings, because I always wanted to explain myself along side with saying that I'm sorry that made him feel like that and to take the things he said very personally. I genuinely felt sorry and I was very upset that he was upset. I tried to understand what and how did I make him so incredibly upset every time. I never fully managed to understand it, also I got frustrated and angry at him, because I never could de-escalate the situation, as he was getting more and more angry and said more awful things, called me names, and usually the whole thing ended up with me saying that I'm going back to my place. (And I know now how this is such a bad thing to do).

It culminated a few weeks ago with him making a public scene, in front of my house and most of my neighbours, yelling that I'm a bad girlfriend (insert a worse word instead of bad, one that ends in 'it'), that I'm just awful, that he can't even call me a girlfriend since I don't want to have sex with him, that I only sleep with him once a month (which is so not true, we were having sex at least twice a week, maybe that's not enough, maybe that's bad, I don't know), cussed me out and he stormed off to his place. I felt humiliated and angry, I texted him that I can't believe his behaviour, that I didn't deserve it, how could he do a thing like this. He said that if I really loved him, things like this shouldn't matter, and he continued with his discourse like nothing actually happened and like that was absolutely fine to do. Long story short, I ended up with saying some awful things, how I regretted meeting him, how I hate him, things that I knew were awful and hurtful, but I did it anyway. I never reached this point in my entire life, I feel so sorry, I've let him down, I've left myself down as well, I really can't believe I stooped so low. Looking back now at the stuff that I've said, I don't even believe that, I just knew it will hurt him and I did it anyway. And I regret it so much, I wish I could've managed my anger.

I never ever wanted or did something on purpose to make him feel rejected, I've tried to show him that I do want him, I've spent more time with him, I made sure I'd text him more often, I even bought him flowers, I told him more often that I love him, that I care about him, that I think he's a great guy, I used to hid cards in his work backpack with lovely words, brought him chocolates, I did whatever I thought would show that I love him, but he kept saying in his anger outbursts that he thinks I'm cheating him, that he doesn't feel like I want him, that I never did anything to show him the opposite, etc. And whenever I hear this I'm left confused.