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Hello. I've spent a lot of time learning from this forum but this is my first post. Since meeting my fiancé nearly a decade ago it has been a challenging relationship in all the usual ways. However he is most certainly the man I wish to be with, and I am fully committed (at this stage) to giving it more time. I would really appreciate any guidance or suggestions on how to pace the relationship, especially the 'ups' or 'idealising' phases, to keep an eye on the stability really.

Last year was very intense for us but this year has been much better actually, much more stable, overall. I learnt a lot about BPD, read all the books, learnt to validate, worked on my codependency, and basically learnt to own what I bring to the dynamic in order to do differently. Communication has been hugely better, I've learnt to pace how much time we spend together by being clearer on boundaries, and I think from my perspective, I've let go of my previous fear about him 'ending things' and thus been better able to repair when it has happened (most recently in November). We are semi-long distance, we both have careers and our own social circles, a fair bit of independence. I have a young child from a relationship during our longest breakup period and need the relationship to be slightly more stable before considering living together. My fiancé is a wonderful man to my son, a really good male figure around him, but I know that I need things to be more stable before I let the attachment become too solid for my son.

I feel much more confident with responding to the more difficult parts of the dynamic now (especially the silences and shut downs, not that they've gone but they are much less intense or extreme) but the positive times seem harder to deal with. I just get swept away by the enthusiasm and sheer loveliness of them. Yes I know, I know that that is the nature of idealisation and it has an addictive quality, and doesn't last. Of course I know that. But when things are going well, and he is on the 'up' with our relationship, HOW on earth to pace that or at least balance it slightly in order to be more sustainable?

After all these years I have finally realised that it is ME who is the problem in this area, more than him, and I am clueless in practice of how to be more sensible about it without being rejecting or even fake. We nearly got married in the autumn (and the one before that, and 2012) and that is something that we both want to happen but I think the main difficulty comes when he gets all 'into' the marriage stuff and I go along with it. I can say now, intellectually, I should have learnt my lesson on this but I don't because ultimately I want it to happen (and because i am 36 and would like more children, if possible). He is the most intelligent, caring, thoughtful human I have ever met and is very insightful into his own actions after the event. However we can't really talk about this kind of stuff in terms of us.

Any advice or suggestions would be hugely welcome! Thankyou all :)

Hello thanks for sharing. I sense that you have two have a great commitment and that you specifically are doing a lot of hard work.
Really good question on the ‘highs’. I too get swept away and want the feeling to last. I almost act like it won’t end. Until it does. Inevitably in my case. It’s just a matter of when right? At that point I pile on a ton of shame and regret- “why did I let myself get so swept away that it feels like whiplash now? I did it to myself”.
Then I swing to the other side. Stay guarded as subtle as possible. But my wife wbpd will catch it somehow. And I never ever tell her - because that maybe a land mine.

One time after a emotional explosion, she came back to baseline and apologized. I said “sometimes I don’t know how you really feel about me...during our good times, is it a act? And you think I’m the devil? Or the other way around?”
Her response was: yes to both.

That helped me a bit. When she’s mad, I’m just the most disgusting person to her. When she’s not, I’m all the things she loves. I practice being present with that in the good times. I guess it’s part of the acceptance.

Hope this helps a little

Letloverule, thank you so much for your response, that's really helpful and wise actually. I noticed that you are married and I just wondered then, practically, in terms of the highs and getting things done, how do you manage practically? like if you want to do something nice with your wife, do you wait for the highs or perhaps you have found a workable way to manage daily life? Maybe that sounds silly as a question. it just feels right now like I can't trust my fiancé when he is all loved up (so we can't get married when he's in the grip of that) and yet when he's not, NOTHING NICE HAPPENS.

perhaps my fantasy of working towards more balance and less intensity with both is not realistic!